She brought her hands to my chest and pushed me back. “I can’t.” Her voice was weak, but her eyes were determined.
I wanted to push her, and knew I probably could. But she’d probably hate me even more in the morning if I did that. “What can I do?” I asked.
“There’s nothing you can do.” She stepped around me and left the stall, leaving me rock hard and sorely disappointed at the sight of her walking away from me yet again.
*****
Why my bed suddenly felt so cold and empty without Alexa was beyond me. I normally had no trouble sleeping, typically falling exhausted into bed each night and sleeping soundly until morning. Now I lay in bed, watching the blades of my ceiling fan turn, wondering if I’d done the right thing letting her walk away. I didn’t know if she would have listened if I’d tried to stop her. And hell, putting myself in her shoes, I would not be okay with her shooting p**n .
Since Alexa had been gone, food had lost its flavor. Days blended into weeks. And it felt like I couldn’t do a single thing right when it came to Lily anymore. I had no idea what was so difficult about making meatballs, but Lily made sure to point out I was doing it wrong—that this wasn’t how Lexa did it—with that, and with other things too.
My one attempt at letting Alexa know I was still thinking of her was met with silence. The idea struck me when I’d passed by that bakery she and Lily liked. I’d bought a single white cupcake topped with a thick layer of pink frosting and I’d had it gift wrapped and delivered to her. The card had simply read I miss you, cupcake.
My house felt empty and cold without her in it. Lily noticed it too, I know she did, but we both forged on, despite the crushing weight of Alexa’s loss. I alternated my time between work and the gym, needing an escape from my own house after Lily went to bed. The memories of sitting with Alexa after putting Lily to bed were too much. I could barely look at my damn couch without remembering all the naughty things I’d done to her in that very spot.
The mindless activity of pushing my muscles to the limit dispelled the swirling thoughts of her, if only for a little while. As soon as I was alone in the quiet shower after my workout, she was right back there with me in my mind. The sweet scent of her, her big blue eyes, her mischievous crooked smile. My cupcake.
I let the hard spray of water beat down my back, and grabbed the bar of soap. I washed my chest, under my arms, and my stomach, before my hands trailed lower. With thoughts of Alexa occupying my brain, my c**k jumped to life. Don’t do it, man, I warned. I didn’t want to jerk myself off to the memory of her slipping down on her knees and flicking her wicked little tongue out to taste me before sucking me deep into the cavern of her warm mouth. The memory was too much. But I couldn’t help it. I pictured her sweet face, that full mouth and the way she whimpered whenever I uttered a dirty endearment to her. My soapy hand found my shaft and began pumping. Hard and fast, needing release from the haunting memories of her. I leaned one hand against the shower wall, the spray of water pounding against my spine, and closed my eyes. “Lex,” I whispered as the hot jets erupted from me and fell to the tiled floor.
Chapter 20
Alexa
The fall passed by quickly and by the first snowfall in December, my heart had begun to heal, though I knew I’d never forget Cade. Or Lily, for that matter. I still missed them both terribly, but my pride wouldn’t let me contact him. He’d made his choice. In some aspects, it was the same pattern as how I grew up. My dad chose work over me and my mom too many times to count. Only with Cade’s job, the betrayal was that much more devastating.
Over the past few weeks, I’d somehow fallen into the routine of actively dating Peter. Maybe it was because he was easy to be around and alleviated the feeling of being alone, or maybe because it made my mother so ridiculously happy, but whatever the reason, I was now going out with him several times a week. He’d taken me horseback riding and out for casual brunches and fancier dinners. He’d even come to a Sunday dinner at the club at my mother’s insistence.
I spent the Christmas holiday in Aspen with my parents, skiing, eating too much and visiting the spa. It was a nice holiday, but of course, even there—halfway across the country—I couldn’t keep my thoughts from Cade and Lily. Especially after he sent me a cupcake along with a note that stated he missed me only a few days before I left. I spent the first several days in Aspen glued to my cell phone, sure he was going to call. But the call never came. Perhaps the holidays and first snowfall of the year had made him sentimental, that was all. Yet I found myself lying in bed awake at night, wondering if I should have sent Lily a gift for Christmas, or if Cade cooked them Christmas dinner. For some reason, it depressed me to think of the two of them sitting around his small kitchen table with a meal of scrambled eggs and chicken wings. I wondered if they liked lobster, which was what my parents and I had. It didn’t matter. I needed to get them out of my head. When I returned from Aspen, I would throw myself back into my regular routine, including seeing Peter again.
*****
My first Saturday back from Aspen, Peter had arranged for us to see a matinee performance of The Nutcracker and was due any minute to pick me up.
I dressed in a merlot-colored sweater dress, heather-gray tights and my brown knee-high boots, leaving my hair down around my shoulders. I watched from the front window for Peter’s car. I usually jogged out to meet him at the curb, since I preferred not to have him alone in my apartment. Though I liked spending time with him, I wasn’t ready to go anywhere near the physical side of things again, with him or anyone. But so far, Peter had been very patient, settling for quick goodnight pecks in his car when he dropped me off.