“I forgive you, Sax, but we’re not going to happen. You need to move on,” I tell him, not for the first time since he came to talk to me.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would ever forgive him, but here I am. I don’t like seeing him like this, I think he needs my forgiveness to move on, and I want that for him. Sure, I've been bitter for a while now, but it’s been years and it’s time to move on.
“No AJ, I want you in my life. I knew I had f**ked up the minute you left. I looked everywhere for you but…” he trails off. I look over at him. He's a gorgeous man, there's no denying that. His brown spiky hair is without product today, just sticking out haphazardly, and his brown eyes are filled with regret. He's wearing jeans, motorcycle boots, and a black t-shirt. His muscles are impressive, and I’m not gonna lie, I really like the tattoos and piercings. But Saxon Tate is my past, and I am not going back. Ever.
“I needed you, Sax. I had lost my mother, my world was falling apart. I was lost, and you weren’t there for me. In fact, you were in the arms of another woman. That’s not something you can just say sorry for and expect me to take you back with open arms,” I tell him, exhaling deeply.
“I know, f**k, I know. She meant nothing. Nothing,” he says, rubbing his hand over his head. I glance at his knuckles and frown when I see the initials ‘AJ’ written on the two of his fingers on his right hand, just below the knuckles. He sees where I’m looking and sighs. I swallow heavily.
“Any woman that takes a cheater back is stupid. And I’m not a stupid woman, Sax! What would happen when you went on tour? The trust is gone, you can never get that back.” I hiss at him.
“I love you, AJ,” he whispers to me, his eyes pleading.
“All I can offer you is friendship, Saxon,” I tell him frankly. He looks disappointed, heartbroken even.
“Because of Ryder?” he asks bitterly.
“No, Saxon. It’s because you cheated on me!” I almost yell, losing my temper.
“Yeah and sleeping with one of my best friends is enough of a payback, don’t you think?” he counters.
“Oh my god! I didn’t even know that you knew Ryder! My relationship with him has nothing to do with you, Saxon! I've moved on, and you need to do the same!” I tell him, exasperated.
“You can’t expect me to see the two of you together every day!” he says sharply.
“So what, you want Ryder and me to break up? Are you that selfish you don’t want to see me happy?” I spit out.
“No, I just love you that much!” he says through clenched teeth.
“That’s not love,” I counter bitterly.
“You're mine AJ,” he says. I almost want to squirm under his penetrating gaze.
“I haven’t been yours from the moment you touched another woman!” I yell at him, my eyes narrowed to amber slits.
“She was a distraction! You were out of it, grieving, you wouldn’t even talk to me!” he retorts.
I gape. “That's your excuse? You piece of shit!”
Saxon takes a deep breath, visibly calming himself.
“I know it was my fault, not yours. Okay? But we were each other’s firsts, I can’t say I wasn’t intrigued by the idea of sleeping with another woman,” he admits. Finally some honesty.
“And I hope she was worth it,” I say snidely. I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t feel good to say it.
Saxon clenches his fists so tight his knuckles turn white. “It's the biggest regret of my life," he almost whispers.
I have no idea what to say, so I sit there staring at him.
Ryder suddenly walks in, calling out my name.
Saxon and I both look up at him, and I can’t help but admire his thick strong legs in his jeans. The man is built perfectly. He's wearing a long sleeved, thin black T-shirt and his chocolate hair is in a messy disarray. His five o’clock shadow is sexy as hell, too, but his most amazing feature are, of course, those intense stormy gray eyes, which are now narrowed suspiciously.
“What are you doing here, Sax?” he demands.
“Talking to AJ,” Sax drawls lazily.
“Her name is Lexi,” Ryder hisses.
“She'll always be AJ to me,” Saxon replies.
Ryder’s fists clench as he moves his gaze from Saxon to me.
“Is everything okay, Lexi?” he asks, gentling his voice.
“Saxon was just leaving,” I say, nodding. I can see Sax frown at me from the corner of my eye, but things between Sax and me are over. Apologies, years too late, aren’t going to help anything. Saxon was my first love, and I will always have feelings for him, but I know that he isn’t going to be a part of my future, at least as anything more than a friend. Saxon stands up and I’m surprised when Ryder tells me he's going to walk Sax outside. I inhale deeply and bury my face into the couch.
*****
Chapter 13
Ryder
“We need to be cool, Sax, we can’t let the band pay for this drama between us,” I tell Sax.
“Yeah? Easy for you, you get the girl,“ he says to himself, grabbing his helmet.
I ignore his comment. “Are we gonna be okay?” I ask frankly.
“I don’t know, Ryder,” is his infuriating reply. “I can’t stand to watch you with the girl I love, and I’m sorry, but I can’t pretend that I’m going to be okay with that shit.”