He tenses and I know he’s figured out what’s been bothering me, that it’s about marriage and our future. He lets out a slow breath and I feel like I’m going to cry because I want him to just say it. Lila, I want you for the long run. It doesn’t have to be Lila, will you marry me? I just want to know what’s ahead of us, more than just the next few days.
“What can I do to make you feel better?” he asks with sincerity.
I shake my head, sucking back the tears. “Nothing really.” And it’s the blunt truth because even if I made him say it, if he doesn’t mean it, then it’s nothing more than words. “Just let me think through my thoughts and figure stuff out… figure out what I want.”
I’m not even sure what I mean, but he looks like I’ve just told him I’m breaking up with him. Frowning, he gets to his feet and picks up his journal. I think he’s going to take off, but then he extends his hand to me and helps me to my feet.
“Let’s go pack up and hit the road; otherwise we won’t have time for the beach,” he says, avoiding eye contact with me.
I nod, a lump forming in my throat because I still have no clue where we’re headed. To the beach in a few days. Then what? Home. And what happens when we get home? We don’t talk about it, so I have no idea. No idea what he wants, if he’ll ever want what I want. If maybe we’re just wasting our time.
* * *
Ethan
Lila needs to figure stuff out. Figure out what she wants. What the f**k does that mean? I’m not even sure what the hell just happened between us. One minute I have my fingers inside her because the need to touch her was so overwhelming it was worth getting wet and cold, and then the next thing I know we’re arguing and it feels like she might be thinking about breaking up with me. Or wanting to take a break. And I don’t want a break. I just want to keep doing what we’re doing. I’m having fun and that’s all I’ve ever wanted out of life. To enjoy it.
When I was younger, and pictured my road trip, I’d always pictured doing it myself. But then Lila entered my life and things sort of shifted when I fell in love with her. It was one of the things that made me realize I was in love with her—because being alone didn’t seem as appealing as being with her.
After we pack up the truck, we head down the mountain, barely saying more than two words to each other. As I drive down the road, heading toward the town on the outskirts of the mountains, I can’t help but wonder if in the future, Lila is going to give me an ultimatum. If she’ll demand that I either marry her or she’ll leave me… Fuck, what if she just leaves and never even gives me a choice? What if one day I wake up and she’s gone? Jesus, I never thought I’d turn into this guy, the one who gets upset at the idea of his girlfriend walking out on him. But after what Lila said on the rock… the idea that she could be thinking about ending it… I’ve definitely turned into that guy and I’m about to panic. Still, the idea of fully committing is scaring the shit of me too.
“I didn’t mean for it to sound like that,” Lila suddenly blurts out from the passenger seat, finally turning her head toward me. “Back at the rock… what I said… I’m not trying to figure out what I want. I know what I want—you. And I’m sorry if I made you think I was questioning that.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I say, gripping the steering wheel as I guide my truck around the corner. “You were just being honest, right?”
She shakes her head and inches across the seat toward me. “I wasn’t, though… I was just frustrated because I worry… about stuff…”
My eyebrows furrow as I downshift for a steep hill. “About what? Marriage stuff?”
She shrugs and then looks down at her hands as she picks at her fingernails. “I just don’t want to end up alone. That’s all. I mean, if I don’t have you, then all I really have is my sister, but you know how she is—she barely even has time to talk to me on the phone. And Ella’s got her own life now.”
“You won’t ever be alone,” I promise, reaching over and taking her hand. “You’ll always have me, no matter what happens.”
She presses her lips together and it looks like she’s on the verge of crying. “I just want to make sure that I have you forever… that you and I”—she glances up at me, gesturing her hand between us—“that this will never change because I don’t want it to change. I love being with you, Ethan. Even when I’m filthy and smell like a garbage can.”
It’s midafternoon and the sunlight reflects in her blue eyes, her blond hair is pulled up in a messy bun on her head, and she’s wearing a tank top with no bra and cutoffs. Her eyes are a little wide and have the slightest bit of fear in them because she’s basically handing me her emotions to do with as I please.
She’s f**king perfect and hearing her say that she doesn’t want anything to change between us makes me want to pull the car over and f**k her again and again. Whether I’ll admit it aloud or not, I want this—her and I. I want to travel with her. Kiss her. Touch her. Whenever I want. But at the same time I’m terrified. And I hate that I’m so scared of the idea, the idea of wanting someone so much. Yet, I can’t help it. I’ve been through too much—seen too much with my parents—that I get what comes with wanting someone so much. I’d basically be opening myself up to anything, even heartbreak. And Lila too. And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt her. “I want it too,” I admit, and she releases a trapped breath in her chest. “But I’m also worried… about what we could become. I just don’t want to rush stuff, you know. I don’t want to get so caught up in doing what people think they’re supposed to do, like…” I trail off, getting a little uncomfortable. “Like getting married and settling down… I don’t want to do it too fast and ruin the perfect we have right now.”
She nods, understanding, because I’ve told her enough about my mom and dad and their shitty relationship that she gets my fear of becoming like them. “I know… I’m worried too.” She sits back in the seat and faces forward. “My parents weren’t that great and the last thing I want to do is become them.” She pauses and it makes me nervous, wondering what else she’s going to say. “However, at the same time, I look at Ella and Micha and they’re so happy.”