She shakes her head and nuzzles her face against my chest. “I don’t want to talk about it tonight, but maybe tomorrow.” She sounds so sad and it hurts, not knowing what’s causing it. If it’s something because of me.
Whatever’s bothering her—and has been bothering her—she doesn’t want to tell me, and even though Lila has opened up to me about a lot of things, I still know from past experience that she can keep a secret like no one else. All those years of popping pills and no one ever knew.
Minutes later she falls asleep in my arms and I stroke my finger up and down her back, listening to the quiet around us that only being in the mountains can bring, attempting to sort through my thoughts.
She’s been really up and down since Chicago, ever since we went to visit Ella and Micha a couple of weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure why, but I think it might have to do with the fact that she wants to get married, something that was brought up during Ella and Micha’s wedding last Christmas. Yeah, I knew Lila had certain things she wanted out of life, but I hadn’t really thought she’d need to say “I do” one day, until she started rambling about it while she was helping Ella plan things for the wedding. For a week straight, it’s all I heard about—that and babies, since Ella’s sister-in-law was pregnant. I tried to shrug and nod whenever she brought it up, and it seemed to be working for me, until she flat out asked me for a response.
“Where do you see us in five years?” she’d asked while we were tying bows at Micha’s mom’s kitchen table.
I’d glanced up from the bow I was tying, a little startled by her question. “Huh?”
Lila peered up at me with her beautiful blue eyes. “You and I as a couple. Do you think we’ll still be together in five years?”
“I’m not sure…” I’d squirmed uncomfortably in the chair. “I mean, we’ve only been dating for like a month.”
“Dating, yeah,” she said. “But we’ve been friends for longer and Ella and Micha were friends first, which makes the fact that they’re getting married so young understandable, at least from my point of view.”
I finished tying the bow before I spoke again, deciding just to be honest with her. “Honestly, Lila, I don’t think I can ever see myself getting married… if that’s what you’re getting at.” I wasn’t sure it was. She was utterly confusing me.
She shrugged, reaching for a roll of ribbon. “I wasn’t getting at anything. Just wondering, since you seem so against marriage.” She swallowed hard, looking upset. “Glad to know where you stand.”
I sighed as she pushed her chair away from the table and got to her feet. “Lila, I—”
She’d held up her hand, silencing me. “I wasn’t expecting a proposal anytime in the near future, but the fact that you can never see yourself getting married sucks.” Then she’d left the room and I felt like the biggest ass**le.
Still do.
But I can’t help how I feel. Or how I think I feel. I’m honestly unsure of what I want or how I can figure it out, since I hate figuring heavy stuff out. I don’t like complications and weddings and marriage, and forevers are more than complicated, at least from what I’ve seen. My parents’ marriage was full of fighting and abuse and that’s the last thing I want. Plus, making things really complicated means there’s a chance they could fall apart and then I’d be left dealing with the outcome. I had a girlfriend, London, who I thought I loved—although now that I’m in love with Lila, I’m not so sure I was really in love with London—and then she fell out a window and got amnesia and everything I had with her was lost. It was really hard to get over. If something like that happened with Lila and me… if I lost her in any way… I’m not sure I could ever get over it.
There are so many reasons why marriage and a future scare the shit out of me and I don’t think can’t picture myself doing it. I really can’t.
Lila eventually let the marriage thing go, obviously, since she’s here with me seven months later, but I can tell whenever the future comes up that she’s waiting for me to tell her what I want, but I still don’t have an answer to give her. I want her. That much I know. She’s amazing and smart and brave. She’s more beautiful than she realizes and even though I hate to admit it, I love giving in to her and letting her have her way… most of the time anyway.
But I’ve planned on living my life carefree and doing whatever I want, whenever I feel like it, like I am now without worrying about other stuff. And if five years down the road, I want to get up one day and take off in my truck and just drive off into the unknown by myself, I still want to be able to do it without hurting anyone or worrying about what will happen to those around me—worrying about life. That I might be breaking someone. Or that I won’t be able to because of my own feelings and attachments to certain things. But if I’m married, then that means I’ll have a wife to think about, a steady job, a house, and one day maybe even kids. God… I’m not sure how I feel about that.
The only thing I am sure about is that I never, ever want to lose Lila. She’s the only girl who’s ever made me feel like a relationship is worth the risk. And she’s not even just my girlfriend. She’s my best friend. The only person I’ve ever felt comfortable enough with to talk openly to. I tell her as much personal stuff as I tell my journal. But if we don’t want the same things, I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold on to her.
Chapter 2
Lila
It’s our last day here—on the road together—and I’m both sad for it to end and kind of glad to be going back so I can take a real shower and eat food that doesn’t come in a can. I’m trying to keep as upbeat as I can even after my little meltdown last night. I didn’t really mean to almost cry last night in the tent, but then he started talking about how he was going up to Star Grove for his mom’s birthday. He never told me he was, which stung a little. But the worst part is that he didn’t even invite me to go with him. I don’t think he’s doing it on purpose. I just think that he’s not really thinking about the future as an us yet. It painfully reminded me even more that I have no idea where we’re going to end up—if I’ll ever visit his parents’ with him. And what added more heartache to the situation was having him near me, touching me like he does. It sets off how much I want things to always be this way.