I want to say that’s because you abandoned me, but I’ve been trying to work on that shit ever since I had to borrow money from him to bail me out of a gambling debt, which he won’t let me repay. And I don’t want to be the kind of son that uses his father for money.
‘I have to work on Sundays too,’ I say. ‘But if you’re okay with that then sure. Come out.’
‘Are you still working at that bar?’ he wonders with concern. I don’t blame him for worrying. Recovering drinker working at the bar. It’s not the ideal situation but I’m looking for something else that will work with my school schedule, games and practice. But still, the fact that he’s bringing it up is kind of annoying me.
‘I applied at a few other places,’ I explain, shaking off my annoyance the best that I can. ‘But haven’t heard anything yet.’
‘You’re not thinking about … about gambling again, right?’
Honestly, I haven’t thought about it a whole lot, but that might be because I’ve been so focused on Violet. ‘I’m good. I promise.’
‘Okay … I just wanted to check up on you … I worry, you know, about you,’ he says and I can detect the smallest bit of relief in his voice as if he’d been worried I’d been going back to my old habits. ‘I’ll get some tickets booked so we can fly out in few weeks and let you know what time our flight lands.’
‘Sounds good.’ It’s strange. My dad is coming to Laramie, to see me. Not long ago I would have fought it, but now I just have to accept what is otherwise I’ll go back to the Luke that hangs onto everything and drowns his pain away with booze.
‘And Luke? ‘
‘Yeah.’
‘If you need anything call me.’
Just a few words, but they mean a lot. Getting way too fucking emotional, I reply with an ‘okay,’ then hang up, telling myself to stop acting like a pussy and suck it up. To distract myself, I crank up some music and start searching through job ads online on my phone, but I start to grow restless as more time ticks by. Thirty minutes. One hour. Two. God, I wish I knew what was going on in there. Wish I knew that Violet was okay and that seeing my mother wasn’t breaking her.
Chapter 10
Violet
I’ve never been a fan of police stations. The noises: phones ringing, loud voices, commotions. It smells like takeout and I’m starving. It’s driving me crazy and is bringing back the few times I had to visit some while I was growing up, both for myself the few times I got into trouble and for my parents’ case. It’s unsettling and making me fidgety. And it’s not helping that it’s taking forever. I’ve been sitting outside Detective Stephner’s office for a couple of hours, waiting for him to show up and tell me it’s time to go back – time to get this over with. I feel bad for Luke sitting out there in his truck, probably wondering where I am and I can’t even call him since I left my phone at the apartment.
I think about going outside to tell him that maybe he should just wait for me at the apartment, when Detective Stephner comes strolling up to me from one of the cubicles. He has a folder tucked in his hand and a cup of coffee in his hand and is wearing a suit, the jacket open, revealing his tie with Christmas trees on it.
‘You know it’s not Christmas, right?’ I elevate my eyebrows at him, sarcasm dripping from my voice as he tosses the coffee into the trash bin beside me.
His forehead creases as he sifts through some papers in his hand. ‘Huh?’
I point at his tie. ‘It’s October, shouldn’t those be like pumpkins or something?’
He distractedly glances away from the papers and down at the tie. ‘Oh that.’ He laughs, scratching his head. ‘Yeah, my wife must have laid out the wrong one for me this morning.’
‘Your wife lays your clothes out for you? How very nineteen fifties of you, and kind of sexist.’
He sighs, because I always do this to him – press his buttons. I’m not even sure why. He’s not as bad as the detectives I’ve had to deal with in the past, but being here in the police station brings back too much painful memories for me and this bitterness sort of spills out.
‘She likes doing it,’ he replies with a hint of aggravation. ‘I don’t ask her to do it.’
I gesture at his tie. ‘It looks really clear that she enjoys it, which is why she dressed you in Christmas stuff in October.’
‘Why do you do this every time you come in?’
‘What? Yank your balls?’
He gives me a blank stare. ‘You know, one of these days that mouth of yours is going to get you in trouble.’
I stare back at him, my expression matching his. ‘That’s for the words of wisdom.’
He sighs again, giving up. ‘Okay, are you ready for this.’
I shake my head. ‘Nope.’
He sighs again. ‘Violet, we talked—’
I cut him off. ‘I’ll never be ready for it, but I’ll do it. I was just stating a simple fact.’ I stand up from the chair, my knees wobbling and my stomach bouncing with my nerves, a bundle of butterflies that must have awoken specifically for this moment.
‘Alright, follow me,’ he says, heading across the busy room full of cubicles and desks and toward a hallway with florescent lighting. There are still a lot of people at the station and I catch a few of them glancing up at me as I pass. I wonder if they know who I am, if they know my sad, depressing story. I wonder if it makes them afraid of me. ‘Oh and I wanted to let you know that I got the package with the photo and am looking into it.’
‘Okay …’ I’m barely aware of what he’s saying as the reality of what’s about to happen bears down on me. With each step, it feels like the walls are closing in, crushing, suffocating. I can barely breathe. Think. Function. This is it. I’m really going to go see the woman whose song has haunted my nightmare for years? How is it going to make me feel? Can I handle it?
Whoosh.
It’s like all the air has been ripped out of my lungs. I suck in a deep breath, my vision spotting, and my knees start to buckle. I brace my hand on the cold brick wall to keep from collapsing onto the floor.
‘Shit,’ I say between gasps. This can’t be happening right now. ‘Shit. Shit. Shit.’
‘What’s wrong?’ Detective Stephner asks, leaning over with concern in his eyes as he studies my face. ‘Violet, just breathe. It’ll all be over soon.’