I flinch from the harsh tone of his voice, but still sit up straight even though my back hurts. ‘I was thinking how much I didn’t want to think anymore. How much it hurts to think. How hard it is.’
‘You promised me you wouldn’t leave the apartment and you’d check in with Seth, none of which you did.’
‘I don’t need a babysitter, Luke. I’ve told you this time and time again.’
With a hard expression, he raises my arm and flicks the hospital band. ‘Clearly you do … do you know how fucking worried I was when I couldn’t get a hold of you.’ He shakes his head, his jaw set tight, and his balled up fists are trembling. ‘And then I find you drunk, soaking wet, with a hospital band on your wrist, and that makes it that much worse.’
I slip my hand from his hold, feeling ashamed of what I did. Luke knows, like knows, knows my dirty little secret. Unlike the nurse at the hospital, I can’t just lie to him and tell him everything was an accident. And honestly I don’t want to. ‘I fucked up. It’s what I do, Luke. I’m sorry, but there’s not much else I can say.’
His gaze bores into me as he scoots closer on the bed until our knees touch Then he rests his forehead against mine, like he needs to touch me. ‘Why did you fuck up?’ he says, his voice much more gentler.
One simple question. But it’s packed with so much emotion and I feel like I’m drowning again. I open my mouth to tell him I don’t want to talk about it, but then I realize that whether I want to or not, I need to. I made my choice when I decided to fight instead of drown that I was going to deal with this.
‘Detective Stephner called today,’ I say quietly. ‘Something’s happened with the case.’
He’s struggling to keep a neutral expression as I lean back from him. ‘Okay … What is it?’ he asks.
Everything I felt when I heard the voicemail rushes through me. The fear. The relief. The worry. The excitement. The disappoint of realizing that even if they to solve my parent’s case, my parents will still be gone – nothing will change that. I still have no one. No mother. Father. No relatives. Nothing. And that the past still exists, that this didn’t free me, that I might never be free. And then the revelation and the fear that I could lose him also set me off, what was what nearly killed me.
But I chose to live. Chose not to drown. That has to mean something, right? That I don’t want to die.
‘They arrested your mother two days ago and transferred her here.’ My voice unsteady as I feel my life shifting and altering, to something that’s unfamiliar and terrifying. ‘They want me to come down and do a lineup, see if I recognize her … I don’t think I will be able to but it’s something I have to do.’ I shrug like I’m talking about something as casual as the weather. ‘If all goes well, they’ll be a trial. She’ll be in prison … if all goes well, they’ll figure out who killed my parents.’ I swallow hard. ‘Nothing’s ever going to be the same again … I know it isn’t … it’s going to change everything … and I know … I know I’m going to end up alone.’ I feel so vulnerable admitting the truth, ashamed, weak, so many things. ‘I just want to be stronger,’ I admit. ‘Why can’t I be stronger, like I used to?’ Because I didn’t have anything to lose to begin with.
His eyes skim every inch of me, making me tingle all over and he’s not even touching me and it seems like he wants to say something, but can’t figure out what it is. The silence stretches between us. It seems like the longest silence ever, the kind that seems like it’s never going to end and I know that the longer it goes on, the worse the words that follow it will be.
Finally his lips part and words spill out. ‘I love you.’
At first I think I’ve heard him wrong, but his eyes widen as I process what the fuck he just said.
‘Huh?’ I blink, stunned as shit. ‘W-what did you just say?’
More silence stretches between us, only this time it’s filled with our erratic breathing. It makes me want to retract my initial statement. This is the longest silence that’s ever existed. And it’s awkward as hell. Luke looks utterly perplexed, his brows dipped in, his thinking face on as if he’s replaying what he just said over in his head while thoughts race through my flabbergasted mind. Did he just say he loves me? Loves me? No one’s ever said that to me since I was five, since my parents were still alive.
‘Oh my God.’ They’re the first words that leave my mouth. I don’t know where they came from or what I mean by them. All I know is that feels like the wind’s been knocked out of me and I feel like I’m being strangled.
‘I didn’t mean to say that,’ he finally says, but it doesn’t seem like he regrets saying them either. He’s way too calm. Way, way to calm while I’m freaking out. ‘I mean, I did mean to say it, just not right now.’ He forces a half smile as he tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. ‘Way bad timing, right?’
I gape at him, my mouth hanging to my knees, at a loss for words. He’s acting like this isn’t a big deal, but it is. A huge, fucked up, confusing deal that I don’t know how to comprehend or handle.
I remain quiet to the point that it feels like I want to bang my head on the wall just to make some noise. I keep staring at Luke, unable to take my eyes off him. Part of me, the one connected to the side of my mind that still wants to believe in fairytales, unicorns, and all that imaginary shit, tells myself that the only reason I’m sitting here with him still is because my legs hurt too much to get up and walk away. But the other part of me, the one connected to the part of my mind that laughs at me when I’m trying to lie to myself, tells me that I’m still sitting here because I want to be here. And that in itself is horrifying.
‘Violet, please say something.’ There’s a plea in Luke’s voice, begging me to … break the awkwardness? To maybe say it back? I don’t know if that’s it, but what I do know is that I can’t. I don’t even know what love is.
‘I need to get down to the police station.’ I stare at him a second or two longer before tearing my gaze off him. ‘Detective Stephner is probably wondering where the hell I am by now.’ I don’t know how, but I manage to get my legs under me and stand up without falling back down. Then I slowly step toward the dresser to get some clean clothes.