I consider this and accept it as true. Touring is brutal and exhausting, and it would be hell on a girlfriend to hit the road with us. Yet, it's not really fair to ask one to wait for you when you could be gone months at a time.
"Have you ever been in a relationship?" I ask, starting to pick out the melody that has been playing through my head. It has a quick tempo and it feels fiery to me, just like Renner.
"Yeah... back in secondary school. But she broke up with me just before I headed off to university. She didn't want a long distance relationship. Cracked my heart wide f**king open, man."
My hands freeze on the guitar and I look at Sean in surprise. He's never told me this before. "You're kidding me?"
"Now why would I joke around about something like that? I'm sharing my pain with you, dude."
"I don't know. It's just... you always seem to enjoy f**king around with a lot of different women. I didn't take you for the relationship type."
Sean stops twirling the pencil in his hand and sticks it behind his ear. He leans forward in the old wicker chair he's sitting in, and it creaks under the strain. "Cillian... I'd probably give up my music career if I could have a real chance at being with Aileen again."
My jaw drops open and I can't accept what he's saying as true this time. "No way. Music is everything to you."
"No. Music is everything to you. But that's only because it's really the only good thing you've had in your life. It's the only thing that got you through all the terrible shit that happened to you."
I nod. Music saved me, end of story. Without it, I'd probably be dead now. Right along with my parents.
Just to clarify his position, I ask one more time, incredulously, "Seriously... you'd give up OTE for this chick?"
"I'm not sure if it's Aileen, or maybe it's just the chance at true love... but yeah, it's way better than all of this."
Shaking my head, I go back to playing my guitar.
I don't get it.
***
The next morning, we're heading back to Dublin on the M6. I had barely slept last night, my mind racing with shit. Renner, my music, Sean claiming love was better than music, Renner, Maeve, Renner...
I finally gave up on sleep and rolled out of my bed just as the sun was coming up. I hustled Sean to get ready, even though he was bitching and moaning about it the entire time. Fucker was complaining that I was dragging him back to the city, after having been complaining that I dragged him out to the wilderness.
Sean is napping with his head resting against the window. He doesn't wake up when my phone rings.
"Yeah," I answer, not recognizing the number.
"Mr. O'Bradaigh? This is Dr. Madden calling you from Dublin Mind Wellness."
My stomach clenches tight. "Is something wrong with Maeve?"
"Possibly. Is this a good time?"
My sense of foreboding increases, because the doctor wasn't due to call me for a few days. "It's as good a time as any."
"Yes...well, as you know, Maeve has signed an authorization for me to discuss any aspect of her medical care with you." He sounds nervous...and young.
"Spit it out, Doc. What's up?"
"Maeve wants to discharge herself from the facility. She's having a hard time with the lack of contact...with others."
I sigh. "You mean me, don't you?"
"Yes. She got her first phone privilege yesterday and apparently tried to call but couldn't reach you."
I curse under my breath. I had turned my phone off the minute I pulled into Oughterard and had noticed a few voice mails this morning when I turned it back on. I wasn't concerned about it, because hey, I knew people would be trying to contact me. I never thought Maeve would have the ability to call me so soon though.
"What can I do to help?"
"I have Maeve sitting just outside my office. I was hoping you could talk to her—confirm to her the importance of staying and giving the treatment a shot."
"Yeah... of course, put her on."
I drum my fingers nervously against the wheel while I wait. I glance over at Sean and I see he's awake and looking me with a small measure of worry in his eyes.
"Cillian?"
"Hey, babe. What's this I hear about you wanting to check out?" I keep my voice light and positive...despite the fact I want to wring someone's neck right now.
"I can't stand it here. I tried to call you yesterday and you didn't answer. You promised me you'd stand by me, yet you never even answered."
I curse myself a thousand times for not even thinking about being available to Maeve while I was gone. It never occurred to me she would call this soon, yet that doesn't excuse my lapse in judgment.
"I'm sorry, Maeve. Truly. Sean and I went to Oughterard to work on some music. I turned my phone off. I really didn't think you'd be able to call this soon."
Her voice is small and hurt. "I got early phone privileges because I was doing well in the therapy sessions."
"Truly...I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. My phone will be on 24/7. You call anytime you need to talk, okay? But I need you to stick with this."
"I don't know..." Her voice is pouty now and I know she's trying to get me to commit something more to her. For the life of me, I don't know what it is. The only thing I can offer her is phone contact...the rehab facility's rules, not mine.