“Well, yeah. of course. But aren’t the odds more in favor that he won’t?”
Maggie’s forehead furrowed. “Won’t what, exactly? Rape you? Kill you? Once he knows you’ll do anything he wants, he’ll take whatever he wants.”
My head automatically snapped Maggie’s way. Her use of take made me wonder if her nightmare was really all that different from mine. Maybe she’d been raped, too.
Stanya just stared at her, her face slowly grimacing as Maggie’s words sank in. Our huddle fell silent, and after several unbearable seconds passed, I said, “You know, I once read something in a book that’s really stuck with me. An officer will meet those women successful at protecting themselves. The coroner will meet those who aren’t.”
If I thought our little group was quiet before, I’d just slammed the coffin door so hard it didn’t require nails to keep it shut.
“That’s just…dismal,” Stanya finally muttered.
“No,” Maggie answered, “that’s just reality.”
One I feared Maggie knew just about as well as I did.
“Alright,” Jesse said as he neared me, punching his hand and burying his fist inside the other. “You’ve had a little time to learn the game, so I think it’s time we stepped things up a bit.”
My eyes sort of bulged. Seriously? Step it up? So far this guy hadn’t even broken a sweat during our spars and I came out so drenched I looked like I walked through a freakin’ waterfall. “What does that mean exactly?”
He pressed his smile as he cocked his head at me with amusement. “It means I’m going to be more physical with you now. I’m going to put more effort into blocking your advancements and I’m going to send a few more of mine your way.”
“Oh, goodie,” I sang sarcastically, digging into my bag, pulling out my hand protection. I’d been here two minutes and already my body ached just thinking about what he proposed.
“Nope,” he said, snagging the pads away. “No more protecting your knuckles. Time to hit without.”
“You’re serious?” I asked in disbelief, my lower jaw forgetting how to come back up.
“Unless you plan on wearing these twenty-four-seven from here on out, you’re not going to be able to use them against anyone who attacks you, so you’d better get used to hitting the old fashioned way.”
I grumbled as I rose on my feet. I only had one session with them and was just getting used to dealing with the stiffness and soreness punching with the luxury of gloves. Now I had to punch raw? This is so gonna suck.
“One more thing,” he added hesitantly.
I looked to him curiously, my arms instinctively crossing in front of me in a defensive stance.
“I’d like for you to tell me what happened to you.”
I think every muscle I had just went slack. How the hell my body stood firm on my own two feet was baffling. Tell him? I didn’t even like discussing it with Dr. Vitriz and she was a woman trained to deal with reluctant basket cases such as myself. At some point during my stupor, my eyes had fallen to the floor. I saw his feet slowly shuffle the last two steps between us and felt his hand as it gently gripped the side of my left shoulder.
Funny how I didn’t cringe away from him, despite my sudden unease.
“Megan,” he spoke softly. A little too softly. It was the same softness Nick used when I shut down on him. “I can see this upsets you, but–”
“Then why?” I found the courage to ask. Forcing my eyes to lift their way back up, I added, “Why would you need to know…that?”
“You’re here because something happened to you. You’re here because you want to feel empowered, to put your mind at ease that you can handle the situation better next time. Truth is, most victims won’t ever face a repeat occurrence, but you still want to feel that you’ll control the moment if you do.”
Repeat occurrence? Try thrice.
“Oh, there’ll be another round,” I replied bitterly.
“Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s happened twice already,” I answered, my response feeling bolder.
He paused to look at me, to seriously take in the pink burn on my arm and the pale, shimmering cut marks that still lingered on the skin above the rim of my tank top. He let out a long breath. “Is there someone hurting you?”
It was almost comical. Did he think I did these things to myself? Alright, the burns were my fault, but they only happened because there was no other way out of that psycho’s house. The cut marks? That was just because Zander was bored.
I shivered so intensely my goosebumps sprouted all along my arms.
Jesse wasn’t oblivious to it. Next thing I knew he was turning me and leading me away, the grip on the inside of my elbow light but authoritative. He guided me inside the empty weight room and closed the door behind us, removing his hand from my arm. Was it wrong that I had felt comfort by his contact; that the way he automatically made the decision for us to speak more privately and pulled me away made me feel more at ease with him?
My arms were still tightly wrapped around myself protectively, but he invaded my personal space anyways, standing right before me. His vivid green eyes were incredibly kind.
“Did your boyfriend do this to you?”
I inhaled a sharp gasp. “What? No! Nick would never hurt me,” I blurted.
“Then who’s hurting you repeatedly?” My lower lip got sucked inside my mouth and my teeth slowly scraped over it, biting back the horrible image I saw in my mind. “Megan?” he demanded. “I can help you get this person off your back, but you have to confide in me first.” When I still didn’t answer, he tipped my chin to force my eyes his way again.
I shook my head slowly, my damn eyes stinging as tears threatened but didn’t run. “It doesn’t matter. He’s a ghost. I’ll never know where he is until he’s right on top of me.”
“I don’t understand. I can’t help you unless you’re completely honest with me.”
“Do you have a sister? Or a girlfriend?” Once he replied girlfriend, I asked, “What’s the worst thing that could happen to her in your mind?”
The tension in his jaw intensified before he finally settled on, “She could be murdered.”
I released a single laugh, my hand reaching out to rip his hand from my chin. “Believe me when I tell you there are far worse things than murder.” At least for the girl. A solidary tear pushed past each eye, with more aching to follow their lead. Through gritted teeth, I quietly said, “I begged for death every day.”
After taking the time to deeply think on my comment, he asked, “How many days?”
“The first time or the second time I was taken?”
That silenced him, and I took the moment to turn away and sweep the stream of moisture across my cheeks. Without turning to face him, I replied, “Six months’ worth.” Five months, nineteen days, to be exact.
I sighed heavily, my eyes closing as my head began to shake, as I began to remember that basement prison. The dingy white walls that were rough to the touch. The noxious air choking my lungs, incapacitating me body and soul. I tried to kill myself in that prison, aching for it to come to an end by my own hand. But Charles figured out I was slowly starving myself and threatened to do far worse things if I didn’t begin eating again.
I felt so hopeless. I couldn’t even die.
“And that was just the first time. The second time I was stolen for only a week, but that’s the one I really can’t get past. He’s the reason I’m here.”
Jesse began pacing behind me, his shoes squeaking on the streaked and dented linoleum flooring.
“I have to ask. Even if there’s two of them, why do you think this will happen again? You’ve clearly gotten away twice now if you’re standing here in front of me.”
“Because they’re brothers. Charles was the one who kept me the first time. But I burned down his house to escape.” Jesse couldn’t help it. His eyes fell to my damaged forearm, which I didn’t bother trying to hide, though that uncomfortable feeling I normally got when people did that was begging me to tuck my arm away.
After a moment, I openly admitted, “He died in the fire. Then his brother Zander came for me. I was lucky that time. There was an ongoing investigation that led police to us. He managed to slip away, but not before telling me he’d come back for me once he got reestablished somewhere.” Somehow I found the courage to completely turn his way again. He had stopped his pacing at some point, his eyes dead set on mine in silence. “He’s f**ked up on so many levels, but he’s a man of his word. He will come back for me.”
The door squeaked open, but before it could even be pushed all the way, Jesse boomed, “Not now,” without even turning around. But it was Annalise, and her eyes fell to mine once he yelled that. “Are you okay, Megan?” she asked.
I nodded firmly, also telling her with my eyes that I was fine. She offered a short nod in response, but she didn’t leave. “Jesse, you know the rules, and I expect you to come by the office before you leave.” To me, she added, “Megan, you’re free to walk out of this room at any time. If you feel you need a new partner, I can have a more mindful one ready by your next class. Just let me know.” Her eyes had fallen to Jesse’s back for that last bit, but she turned to give me one more reassuring nod before closing the door behind her, leaving me alone with Jesse once again.
We stood in silence for a long moment. Finally, I asked the obvious. “Are you in trouble now?”
“Don’t worry about it. She won’t trade me out unless you ask her to.” His eyes skirted to mine. Hesitantly, he asked, “Are you going to?”
I had to admit, getting it off my chest with someone other than Nick or my doctor felt a little cathartic. Like sharing what had happened to me lifted a small amount of the pressure that shoved against me on a daily basis. It wasn’t much, but trapping me in this room to talk it out hadn’t hurt me any.
“No, I don’t need to trade you out.”
Hell, he got me to respond far quicker than Dr. Vitriz ever had. I always thought a woman would make me more comfortable, but maybe I was wrong in that assumption. Jesse seemed to genuinely care, and his efforts to make me more reliant on myself made me respect him in a way others hadn’t yet.
I sighed deeply. “So what now?”
“Well,” he dragged out, rubbing at his chin. “I’d like your permission to fight you in a way you’re probably not going to like.”
It took a second, but my hands moved to smother my face, rubbing profusely against my brow bones. I knew what he was asking, and my heart quickened its beats. He wanted to make me fight my way out from under him. He wanted to attack me as if he intended to rape me. I automatically groaned at the thought.
“Megan, you know I’d never actually do anything to you, right? We’d just be going through the motions. We can even have a safe word to let me know you really mean for me to stop.”
My hands moved to my shoulders, squeezing tightly. “It’s not that, Jesse. You don’t understand how this guy works. He won’t…” I shut my eyes and took a deep breath. “He’s not going to use his body weight against me, because if there’s something going on between us sexually, it’s because I don’t have a choice. I can’t fight him off.”
“Of course you can fight him off. And you always have a choice!”
“Yeah, I do have a choice!” I snapped back. “He always makes sure I have a f**king choice! The problem is, if I’m letting him touch me like that in the first place, it’s because my other choice is far worse! So I won’t be fighting him off me!”
Why the hell was I shouting? Luckily, it seemed the glass to this room was pretty thick, because no one outside working on the mats was paying us any attention.
I tried to steady my anger. “Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Not really, but I’m guessing that once he gets his hands on you, you’re f**ked.”
Blunt and literal. Awesome. My reaction was just as direct. My head tipped to the side in a mocking kind of a duh… fashion.
“So we need to do what we can to keep you from getting taken in the first place. How did they take you the first two times?”
“I don’t remember the first time. They apparently hit my car and I did a disappearing act, but I can’t remember any of it. Last time Zander shot my boyfriend and threatened to kill him if I didn’t go with him.”
His mouth dropped open a little. “You’re f**king serious, aren’t you?”
“He’s a master f**king manipulator. If he finds me, I’ve already lost.”
Now I was the one pacing. I’d spent many nights trying to think of ways to get me out of going with Zander, but it all came down to one thing. I couldn’t let him find me. There was no saving myself once he was close enough to see with my eyes. Even if we both had guns, I feared I’d still lose.
“Maybe you’re going at this the wrong way,” he said, interrupting my thoughts.
“How so?”
“Well, you’re here to learn to defend yourself. Don’t get me wrong, you definitely should know how to do that, but that’s not what’s going to save your ass if the guy’s pointing a gun at you.”
“Okay…”
“What you need to be focusing on is how to be found once he does take you again.”
“If you’re thinking of involving the police, I’m going to stop you right there. They’re the reason Zander found me last time. That ass**le has people working for him everywhere. And I mean everywhere.”