I lift my head off the pillow to look at her. “Where are you going?”
“Shopping.” Her face brightens, like she thinks she’s got me. “I need to go to the mall.”
I groan and drop my head onto the pillow once more. “That’s the last thing I want to do.”
She walks into my room, I can hear her footsteps on the carpet, feel the dip of the mattress as she sits on the edge of my bed. “I’m worried about you, Lucy. You’re not acting right.”
I just had my heart broken. It’s kind of hard to act normal when you’re insides are shredded into tiny little pieces and you’re fairly certain you’ll never be the same ever again. “I’m fine. I’ll get over it. Get over him.”
My words are total lies. I’m not fine, not even close. How can I get over him when I will have a constant reminder of his existence in approximately eight months?
Well, that’s not totally confirmed but I still haven’t started my period, which is just ridiculous. I have to be pregnant. I haven’t bought a pregnancy test because I almost don’t want it confirmed, which is stupid but I’m living in the land of denial and it’s kind of a nice place to be.
I’m just…scared of reality. I don’t know how I’m going to survive all of this but I’ll figure it out. I have to. I don’t have a choice. I guess I can drop out of school, get a job to support the both of us and pray like crazy that Mama won’t disown me.
Talk about history repeating itself. At least I’m a little older. But wiser? Yeah, I’m not so sure about that.
“Maybe you should see a counselor. Talk to someone about your problems,” Gina suggests.
I lift my head to look back at her. “No way.”
“Why not? It’ll make you feel better to get everything off your chest. They don’t judge. They give objective advice. And right about now, I’m thinking you need some objective advice from someone.” I confessed all to Gina so she knows what’s going on. And luckily enough she never said anything mean to make me feel bad.
More than anything, I think she feels sorry for me, which means I’m a total loser.
“I can’t afford counseling,” I say, lying my head back down on the pillow. It’s damp from my tears. That sounds like the title for a country song. I’m sure I could write a pretty good one right about now.
Clearly I’m not thinking straight.
“There’s free counseling offered on campus. I can take you there,” Gina offers. “Or if you don’t want to, that’s fine too. I just thought I’d make the suggestion.”
“I’ll think about it.” I turn onto my side to face her, offering a tiny smile. “Thank you. For everything. You’ve been…incredibly understanding while I’ve been a crying, nonsensical mess.”
“You’re welcome. I know I haven’t been around much but I consider you a friend. And I take care of my friends.” She reaches out to touch my leg, giving my calf a squeeze. “Don’t let him destroy you, Lucy. He’s not worth it.”
My smile fades. She doesn’t get it. He is totally worth it. I’m the idiot who lied to him during our entire relationship. I have no one to blame but myself. He wasn’t mean, he wasn’t an asshole, he was the perfect guy. The perfect guy for me. I can’t hold it against him when he said he wasn’t ready for this. I’m not ready for this either.
I just don’t have a choice.
“You want to go grab something to eat? We can skip the mall.” She makes a face. “You’re the only girl I know who doesn’t like to shop.”
“It’s really easy to hate shopping when you don’t have any money to shop with.” I sit up, my body aching, my head pounding. “Can I take a quick shower first?” Ack, I can’t remember the last time I took one, not that I want to say that to Gina. Might freak her out.
“Of course. Go for it.” Gina leaps from the bed, a smile on her face. I think she’s excited because I’m actually getting out of bed and going to do something like a normal functioning human being.
I grab a pair of undies and a bra from my dresser and then shuffle into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I stop short and stare at my reflection in the mirror. I look god-awful. My hair is complete chaos and I’m fairly certain I’ve started a couple of dreadlocks on the sides. I still have mascara smudges beneath my eyes and I haven’t put on makeup in days. When was the last time I washed my face?
Not sure.
I’m a wreck. All over a guy. I swore to myself I would never do this. I promised Mama I would be a good girl and not let a man dictate my feelings. And here I am, doing exactly that. She would be so disappointed in me.
Sighing, I push the hair away from my face, tuck it behind my ears before I brush my teeth real quick. I start up the shower so the water can get warm and then sit on the toilet to take a pee. My underwear is around my knees and I stare at it in shock when I see the bright red splotch right in the center.
My period.
I started my period.
A hysterical giggle escapes me and I clamp my hand over my mouth, muffling the sound. I have my period. There’s no baby, no unwanted pregnancy, no forever link to Gabe. I can cut ties with him for good now. It’s over. Truly over.
The tears hit fast and furious and at first, I think they’re tears of relief. But I don’t feel relief. Just…sadness. Complete and utter sadness that I no longer have any ties to Gabe whatsoever.