Renner and Cillian both smile at him, but I can see the look deep down in their eyes. Oh, hell no, we aren’t doing this again, they both seem to be saying.
With a sigh, I walk Colin to my front door and accept the dry kiss he presses to my cheek. I inhale, trying to appreciate the spicy scent of his cologne or the warmth in his brown eyes. I envision running my fingers through his curly, blond hair as a sign of affection, but my arm won’t move because in all actuality, it just doesn’t want to run my fingers through his hair. Because that’s way too intimate and even though I’ve seen Colin a few times since our first date, I’m not finding myself warming up to him.
I close the door softly behind him and turn to see Cillian emerging from my kitchen with three bottles of Smithwick’s in his hands. He hands one to Renner and me, plopping back down in his chair.
Flopping onto my couch, I take a long pull on my beer and lift my eyes to stare at them. Renner’s green eyes smirk at me, popping against the brilliant red, Irish hair she inherited from her mom and my aunt. Cillian just looks at me with interest, chewing on his bottom lip.
“Go on,” I say with exasperation. “Just get it out.”
“He’s nice,” Renner says amiably and takes a tiny sip of her beer.
“Nice?” Cillian says as he swivels his head toward her in surprise. He’s growing his dark hair out again, which better fits with his rocker persona. I swear I think I saw Colin wrinkle his nose in distaste when he took in Cillian with his long hair, tattoos, and multiple facial piercings. “That guy’s a dolt. Boring with a capital ‘B’.”
“Well, I was trying to be nice.” Renner giggles at Cillian and then turns to me. “Seriously, Cady… he is so not your type.”
Sighing, I kick my feet up on my coffee table and pull at the label on my bottle of beer. “I know. I keep expecting my feelings to warm up toward him with each date, but nothing. I don’t feel a damn thing for him.”
“Probably because you are feeling something for someone else,” Cillian says matter of factly.
“Not true,” I immediately deny out loud, even though I know he’s hit the nail on the head.
“So true,” he affirms. “You got hot hockey player on the brain, Cady girl.”
“Just admit it,” Renner says with a smirk. “We all know it’s true.”
And because these are two of the closest people to me, outside of Teagan, I decide not to lie to them. “Fine. It’s true. So what?”
Neither Renner nor Cillian say anything, just watch me with intense interest.
“What?” I exclaim. “You’re just going to out me like that and then offer no advice?”
Cillian leans forward in his chair and places his beer bottle on my coffee table. His eyes look at me seriously. “You need to find a way to get over him, Cady. He’s there… you’re here. There’s nothing to pine over. It’s not going to work.”
I’m surprised when Renner reaches over and slaps Cillian on the arm. He yelps and shrinks back from her, gingerly rubbing his skin.
“What the hell was that for?” he asks with a grimace on his handsome face.
“You’re telling her to give up. You never do that. Not when love is involved,” she says primly. Turning to look at me, she says, “You need to figure out a way to make it work.”
“Whoa, wait,” I say, holding my hand out and sitting up straight on the couch. “Who said anything about love? I don’t love Zane.”
“Maybe not,” Renner clarifies. “But you have feelings for him, right?”
Sinking back down with another dejected sigh, I admit, “Yeah. I do. But as Cillian pointed out… I’m here—he’s there. Can’t work.”
“Let’s back up a minute,” Cillian says, leaning further away from Renner in case she decides to slap him again. “I don’t get how you can really have feelings for him. You spent one night together.”
That’s true enough. I spent one night with Zane and although no one knows the gritty details, Renner, Cillian, and Teagan all know that we were intimate with each other.
“We’ve stayed in contact since then. We email each other every day, and we talk on the phone. He called last night, and we talked for two hours.”
“Sounds romantic,” Renner says dreamily.
“Sounds unsatisfying,” Cillian grumbles. “You can’t have a relationship with someone if you can’t be physically with them.”
“I disagree,” Renner says. “Sex isn’t everything.”
Cillian does nothing more than turn his head slowly toward Renner, cocking his eyebrow at her. She holds his gaze for a moment, and then lowers her eyes in defeat.
“What I’m saying,” Cillian continues as he turns back to look at me, “is that you need the physical side to maintain true intimacy.”
“Otherwise, all we are is just good friends,” I finish for him, because he’s not telling me anything I don’t already know.
These past several weeks have gone by quickly. I’ve been immersed in my studies and spending my free time hanging with my friends. That means going out to pubs or shows with Teagan, Renner, and Cillian, but that also means emailing or talking to Zane on the phone.
Since we agreed that we could only be friends, Zane stayed true to his word and did prove to me that guys can indeed have friendships. We have continued to grow closer and closer, forming a bond over exchanged words, memories, stories, thoughts, and philosophies. One night, we talked for over an hour on the concept of euthanasia, brought on by Zane telling me about one of his uncles that died last year after having suffered for months with terminal cancer. I’ve never talked about something like that with anyone in my life, particularly because we disagreed on the moral issues. But it was one of the deepest connections I’ve ever made with someone… talking about life, death, and pain.