He takes my hint and changes the subject, asking, “You gonna be at the bar tonight?”
“Yeah. I’ve been going in on Friday nights to free up my weekends lately.”
“A few buddies of mine were gonna hit up Monkey Pub, but we’ll stop by to hang out if you have time for a drink.”
“Yeah, come by. I think Mark and a couple guys from the band are gonna be there too,” I say when there’s a knock on the door.
I’m surprised when I open it to see Candace standing there. “Hey, babe! What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you before you left for work,” she says with a smile before I pick her up off the ground in my arms and give her a kiss, appreciating the unexpected visit.
“I’ve missed you this week,” I tell her when I set her down.
“Sorry. Auditions are in a few weeks, and then I won’t be living in the studio.”
“Candace!” Gavin says from behind me.
“Hey, Gavin. What are you doing here?”
“Just stopped by to bullshit with Ryan.”
She looks up at me, saying, “I’m sorry, I should have called before stopping by.”
Before I can respond, Gavin takes her hand and pulls her inside. “Wanna beer?”
“Um, no.”
“I’ll get you a water,” I tell her as I walk by, knowing she just got out of a two-hour studio.
“Thanks.”
She takes off her coat, and the two of them sit on the couch. When I return with her water, I hear Gavin making fun of her bun, saying, “What’s with the hair, grandma?”
“Don’t be a dick,” I tell him when I sit down, pulling her to my side.
“I was in the dance studio all day,” she says and then takes a long drink of water.
“How’d that go?” I ask.
“It actually went pretty well. My instructor complimented me on my solo.”
“Really? That’s great, babe.”
Candace’s instructor has been continuing to ride her ass a lot, so I’m glad today was a good day for her because she’s been really upset about it.
“Well, actually all she said was ‘That’s better,’ but coming from her, that’s huge.”
“You coming out with us tonight?” Gavin asks her.
“Umm . . .” She turns to look at me, and I explain, “Gavin’s just coming by the bar tonight with some friends, that’s all.”
“Oh. No, I’ve got plans,” she tells him.
“What are you doing?” I ask, not remembering her telling me of any plans for tonight.
“I’m going to Jase’s to hang out. We haven’t had a lot of time to see each other lately.”
Wanting to be alone with her for a moment because I need more than the short kiss I got when she walked in, I stand and say, “Come with me to my office before you go.”
We start walking down the hall when Gavin snarks, “If you guys are gonna f**k, I’m out.”
“Dude!” I snap, pissed that he would say shit like that in front of my girl who already has enough insecurity about this shit.
Shrugging his shoulders, he says, “What? It wouldn’t be the first time.”
I see the way Candace is looking at him. She’s embarrassed when he adds, “Just sayin’.”
Taking her back to my office, I know she’s upset when I close the door and brace my hands on either side of her, caging her against the door, and I see it. It’s all over her face. The doubt.
“Sorry about that. The guy has no filter,” I tell her lightly. But she isn’t looking at me, and she isn’t talking.
“Candace,” I quietly say as she lowers her eyes to the floor, and I hate that she has to know that side of me. A side I’m ashamed of because I want to give her so much more than what I am. I’m embarrassed that she knows how much I used to use people.
“I’m sorry,” I breathe out.
“Did you really do that?” she asks with a shaky voice when she looks at me.
Mortified to have to admit this to her, I nod my head and answer, “Yes.”
I watch as her eyes begin to fill with tears, and I instantly hate all my choices before her. She blinks and the tears roll down her cheeks.
“Is that what you want?”
Taking her head and cradling it in my hands, I try to assure her with everything I have when I say, “No. I was miserable then. None of them ever gave me what you give me.”
“That’s the problem, though. I can’t give you what they could.”
“You give me everything,” I say, trying to convince her of the raw truth as I use my thumbs to wipe the tears from under her eyes. I feel my chest constrict when I try to make her believe my words. “You have more of me than any of them ever had. And when you’re ready to move forward, I can promise you that it won’t be like what I had with them. It was just empty with them.”
I rest my head against hers, wishing I could take back all those times I gave myself away to women I never even cared about. Wishing that it could have always been her because she’s all I want. She’s all I have ever wanted, and she doesn’t deserve to feel like shit because of my past choices.
“I shouldn’t be upset. I didn’t know you then,” she rationalizes.
“You have every right to be upset.”
Her next move is much too forgiving, more than I deserve, and I’m not sure how she can be so understanding about all this when she wraps her hands around the back of my neck and draws me down to her lips. I feel like I don’t deserve all of the good that’s inside of her, and I let out a sigh as she moves her lips over mine and holds me close. Gripping her waist in my hands, I keep my lips on her when I say, “I’ve missed you.”