She seals her lips with mine, kissing me intently as we both cling to one another. The taste of her on my tongue is intoxicating and there’s no doubt. There’s no question. She has a part of me that I never knew was up for grabs, but she has it.
Parting our lips, I ask, “Stay with me tonight?”
“I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I promised Jase I’d stay with him.”
I haven’t had her in my bed since last Sunday, and it frustrates me to know that she’ll be in Jase’s tonight and not mine. That she’ll be in his arms and not mine. I respect Jase, and I understand their relationship, but I want to be the only man that she shares a bed with.
“You have to work anyway,” she says.
“I want you in my bed when I get home.”
“Ryan . . .” she whispers, and I know she doesn’t want me to push it, so I drop it—for now.
She cups my jaw in her hands and kisses me slowly before saying, “I should go.”
After I walk her out and say goodbye for the night, I close the door and turn back to Gavin. “Don’t ever say shit like that around her again.”
“You really like her, don’t you?” he asks, taking in my severity about the matter.
“Yeah, man. I do. And that shit just hurt her. She knows about my past, but she doesn’t need you throwing it in her face.”
“Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were that serious about her,” he says as I walk over and sit down in a chair next to him. “I’m just a little shocked. I’ve known you for years and never thought I’d see you like this.”
“Me neither, but shit changes, Gav.”
When I got home from work last night, I found it hard to sleep, thinking about Candace over at Jase’s when I just wanted her with me. But it’s more than that. She runs to him for everything, she always has, and until I came along, he’s all she ever had. But I don’t like the feeling that I have to compete, that I have to convince her to let me be that guy for her when she should want me to be that guy.
She needs to realize that she can trust me enough to come to me for anything. That she doesn’t have to hold back from me. But I also know how I feel about her, and I don’t think any guy would like the idea of their girlfriend sharing a bed with another man, g*y or not. Having her in my arms at night is special, and I want her to only share that with me.
I don’t know how she’s gonna react, but I need to tell her how I feel about this because I don’t like losing sleep over it. So I don’t even call her to let her know I’m stopping by her house. She’s happy when she opens the door and sees me, giving me a hug before taking me back to her room. She’s got books everywhere and she gathers them up and shuts down her laptop before joining me on her bed. When she sits down, I decide to go ahead and cut to it.
“I need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay,” she says curiously as she folds her legs in front of her.
“Look, I get your relationship with Jase, and I haven’t ever had any issues with it, but I don’t like that you guys still sleep together,” I tell her honestly, laying it out there.
“But, it’s not like that.”
“I know,” I tell her, completely understanding their relationship. “But I still don’t like it.”
“But . . .”
I turn to face her straight on, placing my hands on her knees when I explain, “I know it isn’t like that with you two. I get it. But I don’t like the thought of you in bed with another man holding you. I want to be that guy. I want you to want me to be that guy, not Jase.” My voice cracks when I say that last part because it hurts me to even have to ask her to want me like that.
“I want you to be that guy, but I don’t know how,” she tells me, and I’m glad she isn’t shutting down, but instead, opening up. “Jase is so unthreatening to me because he’s just my friend.”
“Why do you think I’m threatening?” I ask, bothered that after all this time together, she’s still scared of me.
I notice her nerves hitting her when she begins squeezing her hands together, but she continues to talk when she admits, “Because you could easily walk away from me.”
“You think it would be easy for me to walk away?” I ask, dumbfounded that she can’t see right through me to know how I feel about her. “It wouldn’t be easy, babe. And I doubt there is anything you could say, or do, that would make me want to walk away. It kills me that you’re so scared of me.”
She takes a moment before she locks her eyes with mine, and finally gives me a piece of her that I’ve been dying for when she reveals, “You’re the only person I’ve ever felt this way about, and I don’t want to lose you.”
Her words hit hard, and I just need to be close to her when I shift to my knees and lower her onto the bed, kissing her. Slowly. I hold her head in my hands, and I can’t go another day without exposing my feelings to her, so when I break away, I give it to her.
“You’re not gonna lose me, babe. I love you too much to let you go.”
She’s doesn’t even need to say it back to me. I don’t need the verbal affirmation because the tears that spill out of her eyes and down her temples are all I need to know that she loves me too. She nods her head, telling me in her own way before I lean down and cover her sweet lips with mine. She opens her mouth and I take more of her, caressing her tongue with mine. When I do this, she grabs my hair and pulls my weight on top of her.