Just stay still. Forever. Please.
Yet if I did dare utter those irreversible words, that’d just be me trying to live in a fairytale and I’ve lived too much to believe in such things. So I keep silent and eventually Luke pulls out of me, giving me one last deep kiss before he rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling with his arm draped over his head. He doesn’t say anything, lost in his thoughts, drowning in some sort of internal agony that makes me feel guilty since I probably put it there. I want to say something to him, to take that worried expression off his face, to tell him I’m sorry I’m so broken and that I’ll try to fix myself. But I can’t find the words, not knowing where they exist, so instead I take the coward’s way out and utter, ‘Goodnight’. Then I shut my eyes and let my nightmares slowly drown me.
Chapter 4
Violet
I’m standing in the middle of dried up trees and grass, wilting rose bushes, and rows and rows of cracked tombstones. The sky is so dark it’s nearly black and ash falls from the sky like snow.
I know why I’m here, what I’m looking for, even though I don’t want to find it. A certain tombstone belonging to someone I care about and fear losing. I wander aimlessly through the cemetery, trying to fight the need to go to a specific tombstone, the one tucked in the corner beneath the only tree flourishing. But finally I reach it and have to look down and read the words engraved on the ash-covered stone.
‘Luke Price,’ I read his name aloud as I fall to the ground, ash falling down on me. Tears slip from my eyes, but they’re black and stain my skin like ink, stain my dress. ‘No … No … I can’t lose him. Can’t do this again. I can’t lose someone again.’ My head falls as I sob. ‘Please don’t let me be alone again.’ But the hollow sound of the world around me is the only response I get.
I’m once again ripped out of a nightmare, gasping for air as I bolt upright in the bed. I nearly black out from the lack of oxygen, struggling to shove the nightmare out of my mind, but it consumes my thoughts.
It’s the fear of being alone, of losing Luke, of someone else I care about leaving me. Just dreaming about it feels like it killed me, what would happen to me if he really did leave me? Or worse, something terrible happened to him?
I lie soundlessly in bed for a while, so I don’t wake Luke. Usually I wake him up with my gasping ritual, but he must be super-tired this morning. I stare up at the ceiling, telling myself that it’s just another damn dream and to get over it. That Luke’s not buried under the ground in his final resting place. That he’s right here beside me, breathing rather loudly, shirtless, his rock-solid chest inked like a canvas, and that I’m not going to lose him. But the problem is, my parents are buried under the ground, and it reminds me of how I felt right after I lost them, back when I would allow myself to feel the sting their deaths left behind. How afraid I was that I’d end up alone in the world and how painful it was when I realized my worry was reality – that I was alone. I got used to it, though, adapted the best that I could. What would happen though if I lost Luke suddenly? Could I handle it again?
My fears keep me away until the sun comes up and fills our room with bright sunlight. Luke starts to wake up, turning over and rubbing his eyes before he sits up. His jawline is scruffy, in need of a shave, and there are dark circles under his brown eyes. ‘How you feeling this morning?’ he asks me with a yawn. He must see something in my eyes he doesn’t like because concern masks his expression. Damn eyes. They’ve been giving me away lately.
I look away to avoid eye contact with him. ‘Good, other than the killer headache I have.’ I know my hangover isn’t what he was referring to, but I don’t want to talk about anything else. About last night. About my nightmares. About me using sex as a distraction.
It takes him a beat or two to answer. ‘You think you’re up for class today?’
My mood plummets even more at the idea of stepping into the outside word, full of looks, stares, and questions – too much to even picture. I shake my head and roll to my side, facing the wall instead of him. ‘Not today.’
‘Are you sure?’ His hand finds my back, his fingers stroking the space between my shoulder blades. ‘I could make something for you to eat … maybe that would help.’
I shudder from his touch – always do – but refuse to move. ‘Yeah, I’m sure … I just want to stay home and rest.’
‘But … I don’t like leaving you here alone.’
‘Seth’s here, so I’m not alone.’
‘Yeah … but he might have class later today.’
I glance over my shoulder at him. ‘I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.’
‘Still … I don’t like you being here without someone watching you. And Seth … As much as I like him, he’s not the most responsible person. I’d rather I just watch you. I’d do a better job.’ He gets this funny look on his face as if he’s realizing something that baffles him.
I turn and place my hand on his cheek. ‘Luke, I’ll be fine. I won’t leave the house or anything without telling anyone.’ I tuck my hands under my head and bite my lip until it bleeds because it takes the emotional pain briefly away. ‘You can’t watch me forever and it’s not your responsibility to do so.’
‘Like hell I can’t,’ he mutters under his breath as I turn on my side. It grows silent between us. He wants to say more – I want to. Yet we both don’t – can’t.
Eventually, his lips brush the back of my neck, right over the two stars tattooed on my skin, each representing a person I’ve lost in my life – my mother and father. ‘I’d feel so much better if I was here with you.’
‘And I feel so much more guilty if you missed another class with me,’ I reply, clutching onto the black with he places a gentle kiss over each star.
He nuzzles his nose against my neck and sighs in a surrendering manner. ‘Fine, but call me if you need anything. And keep the door locked,’ he says. ‘I’ll tell Seth to keep an eye on you and promise me you’ll check in with him.’
I open my mouth to protest. ‘I’ll just be in the house, like I said, I’m not—‘
‘I know you won’t go anywhere,’ he says, placing a hand over my lips. ‘But just please just promise me that you’ll check in with him so that I can have peace of mind.’