“Thanks for tonight. I really had fun.”
“I could tell. I liked watching you have fun. You’re incredible when you let that wall down around yourself.”
“Wall?” I asked, turning to face him.
He didn’t say anything at first. But I kept my eyes fixed on him, waiting.
“Your perfect wall. The one you keep up for the world to see. The one you use to hide the girl I know underneath. The girl who wants to laugh and have fun. Perfect isn’t fun, Ash.”
I let the bad girl out with Beau because I knew he wouldn’t shun her or reprimand her. He knew a part of me I didn’t show anyone else. Sure, Grana always encouraged me to make my own decisions and embrace the real me, but I still kept the truly bad side of me hidden, even from her. I wanted to argue with him and throw my wall up to block out his seeing inside but I couldn’t. I needed him to let me be me. No one other than Grana ever let me stretch and spread my wings. Beau had always been the only other person to accept me as I am.
I nodded and fixed my eyes back to the road in front of us.
“I can’t be that girl all the time. My parents, Sawyer, the people in this town—they all expect the good girl. I can’t let them see this side of me. But it feels so good to let her loose. If only a little while. So, thank you.”
I didn’t glance back to see his reaction but I didn’t need to. His hand reached for mine and he held it. No words were needed, because he understood.
Chapter 6
I woke up to find my mother sitting on the edge of my bed. Even though my vision was still blurry from sleep, it was hard to miss her bloodshot eyes and the dark circles underneath them.
“Mom,” I asked, wanting to reach for her and comfort her. The little girl inside me was terrified to see my mom so obviously upset.
“Good morning, sweetheart. I’m sorry if I woke you but I wanted to talk to you before Dad got back home.”
Immediately my stomach dropped.
“Ashton honey, Grana has passed away.”
All other thoughts left my mind.
“What?”
Mom let out a small sob and reached for one of my hands. Her gentle squeeze didn’t comfort me. Instead it terrified me. It felt real. She was real. Oh, God, no.
“Last night Grana went to sleep. When Dad got there this morning to fix her water heater, before he went to the church, he found her in bed. It was a heart attack.”
I shook my head, not believing what my mother was saying. I had to still be dreaming. This couldn’t be happening. We had plans, Grana and I. There were so many things we still had to do.
“Sweetie, I know you were close to your Grana. This is hard on all of us but I know it’s hardest on you. It’s okay to cry. I’m here and I’ll hold you.”
I’d never thought about my Grana dying. She was a fixture in my life. My escape from the world I lived in daily. She understood me in a way my parents never had. Grana never expected me to be perfect like my parents and Sawyer did. Being with her was freeing. It was like, like when I was with Beau. I could be myself and I knew she loved me. An emptiness settled inside me as tears rolled down my face. I still needed her. How could she be gone? I’d just been to see her. She’d just told me how no one could be as perfect with Beau without his shirt on. We’d laughed together. She’d just had a pedicure. How could she be dead? She wasn’t ready to die. Her toes had been hot pink. She was ready for some fun. We had arranged to go to shopping together.
“We have plans,” I choked out. I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Nothing made sense.
My mother’s arms came around me, pulling me into her embrace. All my life I’d found comfort in her arms but now I only felt numb. My Grana wouldn’t be there for my wedding day. We’d never take that cruise together or go scuba diving in the Bahamas. She wouldn’t be there to make sugar cookies for my kids one day. Where would I find an escape from the pressure of my life? How could I live without her?
Ashton,
Again sorry for the long delays in emails. After a full day of hiking I crash when we get back to the cabin. I’m fighting off exhaustion so I can write you. Today Cade and I took a special trail that my mom and sister didn’t want to try. So Dad stayed with them. It was pretty steep in areas. It was great. The view we finally came to was amazing and Cade got to see his first black bear. I think he took a dozen pictures of it.
Hang in there. Your boredom is almost half way over. I’ll be home in twenty days. Love ya,
Sawyer
Sawyer, hey . . .
I didn’t want to tell a computer screen that my Grana had died. I couldn’t tell him about washing the car with Beau and playing pool in a bar. My vision was blurred from crying and talking to a computer was the last thing I wanted to do. I erased my response and grabbed my purse then headed for my car. I could lie to myself and say I didn’t know where I was going, that I just needed to get away and drive. But I knew deep down exactly where I was headed.
I parked my Jetta out by Mr. Jackson’s barn. Beau hadn’t been home but his mother had taken one look at my stricken face and told me where I could find him.
I heard the tractor before I saw it. My feet started walking toward the sound. I needed someone to help me forget the awful truth. I didn’t need a stupid email telling me about waterfalls and bears. I needed someone here and the first person that came to mind was Beau. He wouldn’t tell me everything would be okay. He wouldn’t try to appease me like a child. I needed him.
The minute he saw me walking across the field, the tractor stopped. His eyes locked on me and I started to run. I could feel the wetness on my face from my tears as I ran toward him. He jumped down just before I reached him.
Beau caught me as I flung myself into his arms. The silent tears turned into loud sobs for the first time since my mother had told me Grana was gone. He didn’t ask. I’d known he wouldn’t. He would wait until I was ready.
Beau
I pulled Ashton into my lap as I sat down under an old oak tree. Her arms tightened around my neck as she sobbed pitifully against my chest. I was scared to ask what was wrong. Instead, I held her and waited. My chest ached so bad with each sob it was difficult to take deep breaths. Sitting here and waiting on her to calm down enough to tell me who I needed to go beat the shit out of for making her cry wasn’t easy. A sob shook her body and I cradled her tighter against me. My heart spasmed with each tremble of her body. Even when we were kids I didn’t like to see her upset. The one time a kid had hurt her feelings on the playground I’d reacted by shoving the kid’s face in the dirt. It had got me two days’ suspension but it’d been worth it. No one bothered her again. They knew better.