I fell back into my chair. I brought my fingers to my empty glass and tilted it, balancing it on one finger. She was quiet for a moment.
“Ethan,” she began, whispering, “that’s not like you.”
I smiled. “I’m not who I used to be, Finley.”
“That’s a shame,” she said, “because you used to be wonderful.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Do you know what they did to me?”
“She left you for him,” she said matter-of-factly.
I let the glass tip over onto its side at her bluntness. “Exactly. After all I did for her. After all I was to her. She left me for him.”
“She wasn’t meant for you, Ethan.”
My skin burned with hatred at that statement. “No one is meant for anyone, Finley. You choose someone and then you make a commitment.”
She shook her head at me. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.“
“She chose me, convinced me that she was all in, and I was willing to die for her because of it. She convinced me she actually loved me. I thought she loved me.”
“She did love you. I believe she, you both really, would have been somewhat happy if Spencer had never shown up.”
“Exactly.”
“You’re not hearing me. You both would have been somewhat happy. Neither of you would have been utterly happy.”
This infuriated me. “I could have made her happy!” I yelled, earning a few glances from around the bar.
“Yes, you could have made her happy, but not as happy as Spencer does.”
My blood simmered in my veins. “You are cruel,” I bit.
She leaned forward. “I’m being honest with you. Someone has to since you’re not being honest with yourself. I saw them together, Ethan, and she never looked at you like that.”
“Stop,” I said, gritting my teeth. “Stop.”
“Ethan,” she said, resting her hand on mine. I yanked it from her. “Don’t you want the same thing for yourself? Don’t you want forever with someone who burns for you the way you burn for her? You deserve that just as much as she does.”
“Shut up,” I said, bringing my hands to my hair and fisting it at my ears. I didn’t want to hear it.
“Fine,” she said, sitting up. She looked around her and asked Vi for two cups of coffee.
I couldn’t breathe. Finley voiced everything I’d worked so hard to drown out, I’d attempted to numb. I hated her for ruining the struggle to suppress it. I just wanted to pretend. I wanted my hate, wanted it to live close to me. It was the only thing I felt could keep me alive. I couldn’t let her go. I didn’t want her to be loved by anyone but me. I didn’t want to be reminded that someone else really did love her better than I did, that someone else made her happier. Because I had watched them too. I saw what Finley saw, and my God did I hate Spencer Blackwell for it.
I wanted bitter. I wanted sadness. I wanted my revenge.
When Vi brought the coffee, she set the cups down, one in front of me and one in front of Finley. My hands shook as I reached across the bar and lifted the bottle of Jack. Vi saw me and nodded. Slowly, I unscrewed the lid and poured some into the cup.
Finley pursed her lips and shook her head. I replaced the cap and set it back but I was so drunk, I slipped and spilled the coffee, emptying its entire boiling contents down my shirt and jeans. The heat scalded. I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes, taking the pain, wanting the pain.
Finley and Vi moved as if in slow motion around me, pulling me up from my seat and asking me if I was okay. I swayed on my feet as I let them do whatever they wanted, not paying any attention to them. I was on the verge of screaming, wanting to yell at the world. I wanted them to suffer as I was. I wanted them done. I wanted them to suffer. I wanted atonement.
My eyes burned and I gnashed my teeth. I heard rather than anticipated the groaning air that left my chest. My hands shook as I tried to steady myself on the edge of the bar, but I misjudged the distance and fell forward. I felt them try to hold me up, but I was too heavy for them. My face met the lip. A sharp ache filled my head and face and I nearly vomited from the pain. My stomach didn’t have room for the liquor and all the hurt.
The hurt. Everything seemed uneasy, seemed to suffer. I laid on the floor, in and out of consciousness but holding steady to the discomfort, to the disquiet, to the agony.
Much to my dismay, a pair of cool hands found my face. Suddenly, the tortured pressure left my body in one swift sigh.
“Finally,” I exhaled as I drifted toward the black.
CHAPTER FOUR
I woke to the soft sound of breathing that wasn’t mine. The room was dark but there was enough light from the crack in the door, creating a soft glow over the walls, enough to make out my surroundings. I felt a warm body next to mine and my heart started to race. I studied my environment, not able to recognize the room I was in. I started to panic.
Get it together, Ethan, I told myself and glanced to my left. It was a thin girl, covered in a comforter. I turned my head a bit to get a better look, trying to see her hair, but I wasn’t able to see anything. I wondered if I would be able to leave her bed without her noticing but ruled that out since it was wedged right up against the wall and I would have had to go over her to get out.
I warily sat up, my head swimming from all the liquor. I nearly groaned from the pain as I brought a hand to my face. I winced, pulling my hand back quickly. I’d forgotten about my fall at the bar. I laid back down, my stomach threatening to bring everything back up, and when I did this, wild daisies and apples assailed my senses.