Her body followed suit and she nodded once, grabbing my arm and leading me toward my truck. Her hand reached into my jeans pocket, sending an inexplicable electrical charge through me, which I promptly chose to ignore, and yanked out my keys.
“Get in,” she ordered and I obeyed.
She threw herself into the driver’s side and slammed the door shut, sticking the keys in the ignition and turning only once. The engine started, daring not to further goad her. The stereo kicked on, belting something indicative of the moment we were leaving behind us, full of bass and a sharpness so edgy it echoed through my chest and head.
She shoved the truck in reverse, throwing her arm over the back of the bench, and her stare found mine. It was a solid look, packed full with a storm of unspoken words. Without breaking her gaze, she shifted into drive. She held there for a moment, driving her disappointment in me deep down into my soul before finally looking ahead to the end of the parking lot. I know I’m toxic, Finley, I thought, but that didn’t stop my mouth from retching awful thoughts.
“You have no reason to be pissed at me,” I told her, practically begging her to speak.
She didn’t say a word as she pulled out onto the road with more punch than the Finley I knew normally would have, turning toward the interstate. I had no clue where she was taking us, but I wasn’t about to ask.
Just make her turn around, I thought. Tell her you won’t do anything.
I opened my mouth to speak but caught a glimpse of her hair whipping about her determined face from the open windows and forgot what I was going to say. I turned my gaze toward the windshield. The light from the headlights exposing just enough of the road to make me nervous at the speed we were traveling. One hand found the dash to steady myself.
“What’s wrong, Ethan?” she asked.
“Huh?” I asked, whipping my head her direction.
“Too fast for you?”
“No.”
“Liar,” she said, calling me out.
I wiped my palms down the thighs of my jeans. “Slow down,” I said, swallowing.
“Oh, now you want to play it safe?” Her eyes narrowed. “You’re so selfish, you know that?” she asked. I was taken aback. She’d never talked to me like that.
She leisurely drove across lanes as if traveling more than a hundred miles per hour was completely normal.
“What?” I demanded, feeling alert. The adrenaline had sobered me quickly.
“You’re selfish. And stupid. Let’s not forget stupid.”
My blood boiled. “Whatever, Finley.”
“Whatever, Finley,” she mocked. “Don’t you know I’m suffering? That I’m the only person in the world who suffers? Can’t you see that I’m determined to be foolish, Finley?”
“What do you know of suffering?” I asked, incensed.
Wide eyes met mine and her jaw clenched as she pulled over, slamming us to a stop. Her hair flew forward from the force before settling onto her chest and shoulders.
“I know more about suffering than you could ever possibly imagine. You don’t know shit! So you got your heart broken. So what! There are worse things, you know. There are things out there that would curl your toes to know about, Ethan.”
She stopped, breathed deeply. Her hands white-knuckled the steering wheel as she watched me.
“What- what things?” I asked sincerely.
“I can’t say. I won’t say.”
I swallowed.
A few moments passed in silence and her eyes softened. “A broken heart is terrible, Ethan. I know it’s terrible, but it’s also a part of being human. You’re allowed to be tossed about in love sometimes. It sucks but it’s not the end of the freaking world. It’s not worth a homicide conviction.”
My jaw clenched at her presumption. “What do you know of a broken heart? Who has ever loved you?” Her hands fell to her lap in a dull thud at my words. Her mouth gaped open in a painful expression, and I immediately felt like such an awful douchebag. I reached for her. “I’m sorry, Finley. I just meant that…”
“I know what you meant,” she said quietly, raising her hand to fend me off.
She brought her hands up to the wheel once more and turned on the blinker before heading back out onto the highway.
I knew Finley had been abandoned by her parents. I knew this but I was so absorbed in myself I’d forgotten to think about that before I spoke. Now that I was feeling much more aware of myself, I wanted, no, needed to thank her for saving me from doing something unforgivable. I didn’t know where this awful side of me was coming from. The fact that I was no longer living in the fantasy of revenge was more than a little horrifying.
“Finley, I—”
“No more, Ethan. Just, just no more.”
I nodded, feeling horrible for what I’d said to her.
We continued on in silence for close to an hour and I figured out where she was headed. Doris Lake. It was her favorite place. Everyone knew if you couldn’t find Finley Dyer, it was probably because she was at Doris Lake. It was a sort of haven to her for some reason none of us could figure out.
She took a right on Doris Creek Road and within a few minutes, we were near the trails. She parked and removed the keys from the ignition.
The quiet was deafening but I dared not open my mouth. We both needed that silence, that was obvious.
I was the first to open my door so I slowly walked to hers and opened it for her, reaching out my hand to help her. Her eyes met mine. The few seconds it took her to decide whether she wanted my hand was excruciating.