I saw her shake her head, mouth something at me, and then she turned tail and ran. I didn’t get it. Thought she might have panicked and considered leaving me for good. I almost collapsed with relief when I found her hiding out in the alley.
“Yes.” The look she sends me has duh written all over it. She glances toward the opening of the alley, the people passing by on the sidewalk, before she returns her gaze to mine. “You need to go.”
Oh, hell no. Now that I’m actually in her presence again, no way am I leaving. “I’m not going.” Reaching out, I touch her, drift my fingers down her arm. She visibly shivers, shifting away from me, and I let my hand drop. “Katie . . .”
“Stop.” Her voice is shaky and she keeps her gaze downcast for too many long seconds. Like she can’t stand to look at me. God, I hope that’s not true. “You need to get out of here, Ethan. This was a mistake.”
“A mistake?” Is she serious? Blood roars in my ears, drowning out all background noise. It’s as if everything fades—the people just beyond the alley, the street, all of it. My world is only the here and now, me and Katie and nothing else.
“I should’ve never asked you to meet me.” She shakes her head, muttering the words more to herself than me. Her gaze meets mine, completely unreadable. “What if—what if she catches you? Us?”
“So what if she does? I don’t care.” I don’t. Let Lisa Swanson discover us together. Let her fucking film it for the entire world to see. I really don’t give a shit. I can’t just walk away from Katie. Not now.
Not ever again.
She lifts her head, her gaze blazing. “Maybe I care,” she retorts. “Think about what this will do to us.”
“What could it do? Force us to admit that yes, we’re in a relationship now? What’s wrong with that?”
“This so-called relationship only happened because you sought me out and then lied to me!” Her voice is shrill, her eyes wild, and she visibly shakes. She’s angry.
At me.
“I never meant—” I clamp my lips shut when I see her hostile expression. She looks ready to pounce. Christ, maybe she’s right. Maybe we shouldn’t have met today. Our hurt feelings are still too close to the surface, too raw and painful.
“Do you really think meeting me today was a mistake?” I need to know her answer, though I might not like it.
Katie watches me, pressing her lips together. I wait for her response, air lodged in my throat, my heart tripping over itself in my chest. I feel like it’s all come down to this. “This won’t work,” she whispers.
“What won’t?”
“Us. The two of us . . . together. We need to accept it.” Her face almost crumples but she somehow keeps it together, all while she slaughters my heart with her words. “We shouldn’t be seen together in public. If anyone recognizes us, it will become this—thing, and soon the media will be talking. About us and our sick relationship. And I don’t want that. I don’t think you do, either.”
My spine stiffens involuntarily and I slowly back away from her, holding my hands up in front of me in pure defensive mode. As if my position can ward off the blow only her words can deliver.
I thought my father knew how to pack a punch, saying just the right thing to make me internally bleed. A few choice words from Katie Watts and I feel like I’m near fucking death.
“You want me gone? I’m gone,” I tell her, but I don’t budge. I’m hoping she’ll stop me. Despite the pain she’s causing, I don’t want to walk away from her. Even though it feels like my heart is about to crack into a million tiny pieces. I swear she already broke my heart when she first found out who I really was and ran, exiting my life like she was never in it.
Now she doesn’t want to be seen with me in public. Doesn’t want Lisa to know. The rational side of my brain understands why she might feel that way. But the irrational side, the emotional side, is screaming in agony over her rejection, demanding that I hurt her back.
My vengeful side makes me think of my father.
Fuck. I rub a hand across my chest to ease the radiating ache, but it doesn’t help. The way Katie watches me isn’t helping, either.
“It’s for the best,” she whispers. “The minute she spots us, she’ll tell . . . everyone. And then we’re in trouble. They’ll twist our relationship into this weird, sick thing, and I can’t. I can’t bear it, Ethan. I’ve already suffered through too much and so have you. This—we’re not worth it.”
My mouth drops open. We’re not worth it? She’s the only person in my life who’s worth anything.
“I’m—I’m sorry.” The choked words leave her and I can’t say anything in return.
She turns and leaves, her steps hurried, her flat black shoes slapping against the pavement as she scurries away. I watch her go, don’t stop her, don’t say her name. I don’t do a damn thing, as if I’m paralyzed, and I wonder for one crazy moment if I might be.
But I’m not. I’m just struck numb by her words, by her worry. She’s right. I know she’s right. The media will turn our relationship into a fucking train wreck, and with good reason. We are a train wreck. We shouldn’t have happened, but we did. No one else knows what it’s like to be me. No one understands what we went through together except her and me. But she has walked away from me yet again. Practically ran, and I did nothing about it.