Resting my forehead against hers, I closed my eyes and let out a relieved breath. “All of that, Pay. Forever.”
September 21, 2013
Paisley
MY EYES STAYED locked on Eli’s as he walked us to his bedroom, and my heart began hammering as the possibilities of what we were about to do flooded my mind. Things I’d dreamt of for years were now finally about to become a reality.
Placing one knee on the bed, he lowered our bodies onto the comforter—keeping his body a few inches above mine once I had unwrapped myself from him. My pulse thrummed violently when he smiled before dipping his head to kiss his way down my throat the same way he’d done in the entryway. I brought my knees up to curl around his hips, and had to bite down on my lip to keep from making any noises when he rested himself between my legs. Using his teeth to gently pull my lip free, he kissed the spot I’d been biting down on before sliding his tongue into my mouth to torture me with unhurried strokes.
Moving my hands up his muscled forearms, my fingers curled around his straining upper arms before sliding over his chest and down his stomach. Even through the material of his shirt I could feel the muscles in his stomach twitch from my touch, and with shaky hands, I pressed my fingers to the skin just above his shorts.
A growl rumbled in his chest, and his body moved a fraction closer. I curled my fingers against his skin, and suddenly his body was off mine and he was sitting next to me. Blue eyes dark with want, chest rising and falling quickly.
“I’m sorry,” I said automatically. I didn’t know what I’d done, but I knew whatever had just happened had to have been because of me.
“Don’t apologize,” he begged. “I can’t do this with you yet. Not when you just showed up here after there’s been so much between us that was unknown. Not when I’ve hurt you for twelve years, and still have so much to apologize for. Not when I don’t know what’s going on with Brett or when you were last with him.”
My forehead creased in confusion. “I just came from— Wait, like with him with him?” When Eli didn’t respond, I sat up and turned to face him. “I never did anything with Brett.”
“But he was at your apartment last week when I showed up . . .”
Was it ridiculous that I was fighting back a smile? It was so weird to have Eli look like I’d crushed him. “And he hadn’t even gotten there five minutes before. He brought me coffee. We kissed, and that’s it—your visit last week made things kind of awkward between us.”
“That’s not one of the things I’m going to apologize for.”
I made a face and sighed. “Last night when I left O’Malley’s, he came out there to take me home. He told me to think about everything over the weekend, and when I was ready, to go talk to him. He looked crushed because he’d already seen me cry over you too many times, and I think he knew that I wouldn’t choose him.” Looking into Eli’s eyes, I moved closer and he pulled me onto his lap, but his expression was subdued as he waited for me to continue. “I wanted to choose him, Eli. I wanted to, and I told him that . . . I freaked when he told me to think about things, because I knew what that implied. And you know what he said?”
Eli raised one eyebrow, but didn’t speak. I think he was forcing himself not to, judging by the way his fingers were curling around me like he wasn’t about to let me go for anything.
“He said, ‘You loved him first,’ like that should have answered everything. He didn’t want to compete with you even though I was with him. He didn’t want to compete with a guy who knew me better than I knew myself.” Swallowing past the tightness in my throat, I tried to stop the way my body wanted to curl in on itself. “I was on my way to tell him I’d chosen him this afternoon when you stopped me, but after I left you, I went to the beach instead and sat there for hours. When I finally got up to drive to his place, I still didn’t know who I would choose, and I didn’t know until he opened his door.”
Eli’s eyes hardened. “What did he do?”
I ran my fingers through his hair to calm him and shook my head subtly. “Nothing. And everything. He made it easier to breathe. He made the ache of talking to you go away. I knew when I looked at him that I’d somehow fallen in love with him, and I knew loving him could be easy. But the way he made me feel didn’t compare to the way I’d instantly felt whole as soon as you were near me. Or how I’d felt like I was dying while I walked away from you because I’d known you wouldn’t be a part of my life. He knew the second I realized who my choice was, and I know I broke his heart. He held me for a long time, and he asked what made me decide.”
“Did you tell him?”
I nodded and placed a hand over his chest. “I said, ‘I can see a future with you . . . but I can’t see one without him.’ And he and I both knew that if he was in my future, you wouldn’t be.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurting, and I’m sorry I put you in this position, Paisley.”
I cracked a tiny smile and forced a laugh. “It would’ve been a lot easier if you’d figured out you loved me a long time ago.”
Eli didn’t find that amusing.
“I told you before, you own my soul. No one can touch a love like that.”
He brushed back hair that had fallen in my face, and his blue eyes followed the movement before meeting mine again. “I don’t know what I did to deserve your love, Paisley, but I’m thankful for it.” Pressing his lips to mine gently, he only pulled back enough to say, “I’m sorry for not knowing. I’m sorry for using you as a shield from exes, and using you to get other girls when I should have known that you were the only girl who mattered.”