“You keep the key to my place, okay? Come over anytime you need, even if it’s the middle of the night.”
Nodding her head, she finally speaks. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Text me tonight when you get home.”
“Okay,” she says, and I give her a kiss before turning to walk to my car.
I told Mark I would come over to his place after I dropped Candace off, so I start driving that way. I take this time to relieve myself of everything I have been keeping bottled up this past week. The tears come effortlessly. The pain that I feel for Candace is unreal. I want to turn my car around and go pick her up. I feel guilty that I’m going to spend my day with Mark and not her.
Turning into his driveway, I wipe the tears with the back of my hand before getting out of the car. I know I look like shit, and I know Mark will be able to tell how upset I am, but for once, I don’t let it bother me. The way he has been there for me and for Candace this past week has revealed a side of him that I find myself falling for.
As I walk to his front door, I know I am walking towards a person who has proven to be dependable for me. So when I knock and he answers, I don’t hide my pain. It’s written all over me.
He wraps his arms around me, and I finally let my walls down and cry. He pulls me inside, and I grab onto him as I let out everything I’ve been keeping in. Mark doesn’t say a word; he just holds me tight and allows me to accept the comfort that only he can give me. I can’t do this with Candace because I need to be her anchor, but I’ve finally found a person that I can do this with. I’m finally allowing myself to be open enough to have this release, and to have it with Mark is more than what I deserve.
Shifting back from me, he braces his hands on the sides of my face and looks into my eyes. I don’t hide from him. I don’t want to. He leans in and presses his lips onto mine. This kiss is different. I feel like I need it. Like I couldn’t breathe without it. So I don’t move as we linger in this moment for a little longer.
We finally drag our lips from each other, and I rest my forehead against his as I take in a deep breath. Mark holds my hand and walks me over to the couch to sit down. Leaning back in his arms, I say, “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I just don’t know what to do,” I admit.
“You’re doing everything you can do, babe. Was she okay when you left?”
“She was crying. I hate seeing her like that. She never used to cry. Ever. And now, it’s all she seems to do.”
Mark tightens his grip around me, and when he does, I feel a need for closeness consume me, so I decide to talk for a while. “She’s just broken, and I don’t know how to fix her. And now I feel guilty that I’m here with you and not there with her. But at the same time, I feel like an ass because I want to be here with you . . . alone. I know you want to have time with me, and I want to give you that, but I’m torn in a way, and no matter what, I feel guilty.”
“Jase, you’re not doing anything wrong, and neither Candace nor I feel that you are. That’s only in your head.” He takes a moment before he continues. “And yes, of course I want time alone with you. But I need you to want that too. Same page, right?”
“I do want that but not with the guilt.”
He shifts so that he is looking at me when he says, “Knowing that you want it, guilt or not, is all I need. I hate that you feel guilty, but I know it’s only because you love so much. I promise you, you’re not doing anything wrong, so you shouldn’t hold your choices against yourself.”
When I see the sincerity in his eyes, I try to convince myself of his words. I sit up and lean my elbows on my knees, and when I feel the touch of Mark’s hand on my back, I drop my head and blink out the tears that have been rimming my eyes. Thoughts of Jack start to pierce into my thoughts, and I grow angry as I think about how much this has changed her. When I think about what that piece of shit did to her, I feel my blood heat in my veins. Resting my head in my hands, I seethe, “I want to kill him.”
“Who?”
“Jack. The ass**le that did this to her.” I stand up, not able to sit still with the bitter fury that is starting to overtake me.
As I pace back and forth, Mark scoots to the edge of the couch and says, “I know you do.”
My gut roils with anxiety and rage. Raking my hand through my hair, I turn to Mark and tell him, “She begged me to not do anything, but I have to. Fuck!”
“You are doing something. You’re giving her what she needs from you.” He says this so calmly, but I feel myself starting to lose it.
“It’s not enough when that son of a bitch isn’t paying for this shit!” I spit out and take my car keys out of my pocket. “Fuck it!” I rush to the door, but Mark lurches over the back of the couch and is there before me. “Get the f**k outta my way, man.”
“You need to calm your shit down,” he says in an even, stern tone.
Reaching out to force him to move, he takes one quick step to the side, banding his arms around my sternum and pinning my arms to my sides.
“Get the f**k off me!” I bend my arms and try thrashing my elbows into him, but I can’t get any movement.
“Not until you calm down.”
Adrenaline is pumping through me, but his hold is too strong for me to break. “You didn’t f**kin’ see her, Mark! You didn’t see what that f**ker did to her!”