I wanted to smile, it felt so good.
My eyelids started to feel heavy, the hot water blanketing my back, running down my legs, and spreading over my head and neck.
Warm. I was so warm. I just wanted to…
I groaned, starting to waver.
My body was so tired. Kai strengthened his hold, letting me relax into him, and I did. I didn’t fight it.
I laid my head on his chest, and after a moment, I felt him carefully brush my knit cap off my head, the water hitting my scalp and drowning out the rest of the world.
I closed my eyes and savored the feeling.
Just for a minute, I told myself.
Tucking my arms in, I huddled into his chest, letting myself give up for a minute. His arms circled all the way around me, one resting on my waist and the other one on my arm, while the heat of the water mixed with the heat of his skin through his wet shirt lulled me into a feeling of peace I couldn’t remember ever having before. Not even with Damon.
I couldn’t remember the last time I was this close to somebody.
The shower pounded around us, drowning out the sound of the storm outside, our breathing, even my thoughts…I didn’t want to think. For five fucking minutes, I didn’t want to talk or worry or fight or be scared or angry or hate everything. I didn’t even want to stand.
“This means nothing,” I mumbled, still snuggling into his body.
His chest shook under my head. “Absolutely nothing. I promise.”
Something brushed my forehead, and I felt his fingers wipe away the hair on my cheek. His hand smoothed the strands back over the top of my head, and another small wave of pleasure hit me right down to my toes. I was suddenly aware of my wet thighs molded to his and the rest of my body pressing into him.
This was heaven.
His hand smoothed my hair a few more times, slower and gentler, and then he wrapped his arms around me again, holding me tight.
“I like your braids.” His deep voice suddenly sounded raspy. “Your hair is a beautiful color. Like mahogany. Why do you hide it?”
I opened my mouth to hit him with a nasty remark but closed it. I didn’t want this to end quite yet, and I guess it was normal for him to wonder.
But it was still none of his business.
“You cover your hair, you wear men’s clothes,” he went on, “Who are you, kid?”
It almost sounded like a rhetorical question, like he was just thinking out loud. And part of me wanted to come clean.
I gave a half-smile he didn’t see. “I’m nobody.”
“That’s not true,” he argued, and I heard his voice closer to my ear. “I’ve never seen Damon possessive over a woman, but he was over you that night.” He tipped my chin up, forcing me to look at him. “Who are you to him?”
I opened my mouth, but again, I didn’t know what to say. I shook my head.
“Did he hurt you?” Kai’s onyx eyes pleaded with me for more as he dropped his voice to a whisper. “No one’s here but you and me. Did he hurt you? Why are you loyal to them?”
I stared into his gaze, my eyes starting to burn again as I struggled with my love for my brother and the pathetic desire building inside me to latch onto someone.
The rain shower spilled down his black hair, streams coursing down his neck and over the vein there. The water disappeared under his collar, and I let my eyes drift back up over his angular jaw to his mouth. Full lips, his bottom one with a unique little flat spot like someone had pressed their finger there and the dent remained. Staring at it, my teeth suddenly ached. I could feel the meat he fed me last night in my mouth again and the sensation of biting into it.
Confusion wracked my brain. He wasn’t really my enemy. Not really.
He wanted answers. I wanted my brother back.
“What was it like for you in prison?” I asked him. “We paid off people to keep Damon safe, but what about you and Will? Was it bad?”
Pain suddenly crossed his eyes, and he stared at me, lost for a moment.
“Michael did the same,” he told me. “Paid people to keep all of us safe, but…”
He trailed off, and I waited. Like in the confessional all those years ago, he had to work up the courage to talk.
He swallowed. “I told Rika once that I was never going back there. That I never knew people could be so ugly.” He met my eyes. “But I was talking about me.”
He caressed my hair, looking troubled.
“It wasn’t as simple as Michael thought it would be. Paying people off, I mean. We were rich, young, privileged, and we were doing half the sentence that others were doing for the same crimes. The threats, the looks, the nighttime taunts carrying down the cells toward us,’ he told me. “I just wanted to go home.”
A lump stretched my throat painfully, sad for both him and my brother.
“My father taught me to fight,” he went on. “He taught me how to kill if I ever had to. But he also taught me to make the world better.” He paused, thinking, and then spoke again. “A trick of survival in prison is, on your first day, walk in there with your head high, look around into everyone’s eyes, and find someone to hit. Establish your strength and make sure everyone sees it.”
I listened, remembering I’d heard the same thing somewhere.
“I waited until day three,” he said. “I picked the biggest guy I could find, someone I’d seen throwing his weight around, someone who’d threatened Will on our first day, and I went over, and I hit him.”
I could almost see it in my head.
“To my surprise, though, he didn’t go down right away,” Kai continued, a half-smile on his face. “I ended up with a broken nose, three cracked ribs, and a fat lip.”
I laughed a little. A Horseman didn’t fall often, so he got his comeuppance, I’d say.
But his expression turned solemn. “He ended up with a fractured spine.”
Oh, Christ.
“I was the trained one,” he said, looking like he was still angry with himself. “I should’ve known where I was kicking.”
“Did he heal?”
He nodded. “Yeah, but it took a couple months, and he has some nerve damage. He has no feeling in three of his fingers on his right hand anymore.”
Well, it could’ve been worse. A lot worse.
“The next day,” he continued, “my lunch table was the fullest in the cell block.”
“So, you got respect then.”
“Yeah, by acting like an animal,” he pointed out. “That scared me, because it wasn’t the first time I’d chosen to react with violence when I shouldn’t have. Was it going to be a habit? I was losing grasp of the life I wanted to have and the person I wanted to be, because I kept being stupid.” He dropped his eyes, breathing so hard and looking vulnerable. “I don’t want to ruin my life.”
I stared at him, unable to take my eyes off him. He wouldn’t look at me, and I realized he felt just as useless and inadequate as I always had.
An urge pulled at me to make him feel good.
“Hey.” I brought up my hand, nudging his chin.
He raised his eyes.
I gave him a small smile. “Sometimes when everything and everyone around me is hard to face, I look up.”
He pinched his eyebrows together, looking like he didn’t understand, and I tilted my head back, looking up at the ceiling.
Slowly, he did the same, following my gaze.
The steam billowed in the air above us, parting here and there to show the white granite ceiling of the shower. Particles of crystal in the rock glittered in the dim light, and for a moment, my brain was floating among the mist. Light as a feather, soaring on the clouds.
“Changing your view…” I trailed off. “It helps. Right?”
He smiled, his shoulders relaxing. “We’ll have to try that outside at night sometime.”
We?
Suddenly, he cleared his throat and straightened up, releasing me. “I’m going to get you some clothes, okay?” he told me. “Why don’t you sit down? Warm up some more under the water.”
I nodded, reluctantly backing away as he stepped aside. Was he embarrassed? I didn’t want him to leave, but he looked like he was in a hurry to get out of here. Maybe he regretted telling me all that, but I was glad he did.