“I don’t understand. Please help me understand,” he pleads.
How can I explain what I don’t really understand myself? I turn toward at him, surprised I have the courage to look him in the eye. “Brandon, I really, really like you. In fact, I think I’m falling in love with you.”
His eyes widen slightly.
“But I’m a mess. It’s pretty apparent that I have issues. Bigger issues than you should be stuck dealing with.”
He reaches for my hand and squeezes. “Lexi, I’m not the kind of guy to take off when there’s the first sign of trouble.”
“I know, and that’s why this is even harder.” I pause and take a breath. “I can’t give you what you need. I’m not sure I can ever give anyone…that.” I close my eyes as new tears fall. “I wish I could, but I’m just too…”
“Broken,” he finishes, sounding devastated.
“Yeah,” I whisper, dropping my gaze.
He gently tilts my chin up, and when I look into his eyes, they are determined. “I’m not breaking up with you over this.”
“I know.” I offer him a sad smile. “That’s why I’m breaking up with you.”
His mouth drops open.
Tears stream down my face. “That’s why I’m letting you go.” I open the car door and the cold air blasts my face. I suck in a breath of surprise and hurry across the parking lot, my heels clicking on the asphalt.
Brandon catches up to me in seconds, grabbing my elbow and trying to pull me to a halt. But I twist my arm out of his grasp and continue walking. I need to get away from him before I change my mind. I’m smart enough to know that Brandon McKenzie is probably as good as it gets. I’ll never find anyone more patient, understanding, or attentive than him. I reach into my purse and pull out my keys, ready to punch in the security code to enter the building.
But Brandon grabs both of my elbows and turns me toward him. “Lexi, please. Don’t do this. We can work through it.”
I look up into his kind brown eyes and I want to tell him everything. I want him to know that I haven’t always been this way. Contrary to what my brother Reed believes, I wasn’t a virgin when I graduated from high school. I’ve had sex before last spring without incident. But to tell Brandon what changed everything, to tell him about that night, would mean reliving the horror of it. Worse, I would be forced to see the horror and pity in his eyes, just as I do whenever Reed and Caroline look at me. I’m tired of being Poor Lexi. Still, if anyone will understand and help me, it’s Brandon. He could and would help me through this.
My lips part and the words are on the tip of my tongue:
I was raped.
But I can’t do it. I’ve never spoken the words out loud, as preposterous as that seems. In my head and my heart, I know I didn’t do anything wrong and that it wasn’t my fault. It doesn’t matter. I’m carrying this life sentence around anyway. As I look into Brandon’s sweet eyes, which have become so dear to me, I realize again how unfair it would be to include him in my personal hell. He deserves better.
“Have a good life, Brandon.” I turn and punch the code then open the door, slipping through the opening as soon as it’s wide enough, leaving him stunned and silent on the sidewalk.
The door closes and he comes to his senses, banging on the glass door while I stand in front of the elevator, waiting for the doors to slide open.
“Lexi!” My name is muffled by the glass. His fist beats on it and I worry he’ll break the glass and hurt himself.
Tears burn my eyes, but I refuse to look at him, grateful when the elevator doors slide open. I rush inside the empty car and spin around, pressing my back against the cool metal. And as the doors close, I feel as though my fate is sealed with them.
I will forever be alone.
Chapter One
Two months later
Lexi
“Ten minutes, Lexi,” the stage manager calls out. My stomach jitters with nerves even though this is only a dress rehearsal for a play with a two-night run. But I have to admit part of my anxiety has to do with the image in the mirror that looks nothing like me.
“Lexi. You look so…”
“Slutty?” My naturally blonde hair is covered by a jet-black wig and Caroline has applied enough makeup on my face to make me look like a streetwalker. I’m wearing a silver sequined shell with a black leather skirt and silver strappy heels.
Caroline snorts. “I was going for not like yourself, which Reed will probably find comforting in this situation.”
She has a point. If you look up the definition of overprotective big brother, you’ll find a picture of Reed. “Tell me again why I’m wearing a wig instead of just fixing up my normal hair.
She looks at my hair piece and adjusts it slightly. “Because it’s fun. You’ve been moping since your break up with Brandon. Maybe this will help shake things up a bit.”
I bite the inside of my lower lip to keep from confessing what really happened with Brandon. Caroline would never understand. As far as she knows, he got back with his ex-girlfriend from high school, who decided being a lesbian wasn’t for her after a brief affair with a girl from her chemistry class. It’s entirely true, except it happened after I broke up with him…
Nevertheless, she’s right. I’ve been miserable about it for two months, throwing myself into school and my work with the Middle Tennessee Children’s Charity, which is headquartered here in Hillsdale. The charity is why I’m here tonight, backstage at the community theatre. There’s a mutually beneficial partnership between my university, the charity, and the local community, and I’m the student liaison this semester. I helped set up this fundraiser—the production of a comedic play, with students and locals filling all the parts in the cast and crew. Caroline is a senior fashion design major, so she’s helping with the costumes.