How long have I existed in this nether world? Living in it but not part of it? Standing on the sidelines as a bystander? I’m like an alien, exiled to a foreign land in which I never fit, no matter how hard I try. For twenty years I’ve lived alone, keeping me safely tucked inside, but it’s an illusion. A lie. I thought I could protect myself from the horror of my home life growing up, but all I’ve done is isolate and ostracize myself from the world. I’d always hoped someone would hold the key to open the door to my prison. Someone I felt safe letting in. Now I’ve found him.
And he doesn’t want me.
I take several deep breaths, counting to ten before I find the energy to walk to my car. Studying with Anne is a blur, and I go through the motions, forcing myself to concentrate.
This is so unlike me that it shakes me to my core.
By the time I’ve left Panera, I’ve regained control and even decided that I’m overreacting. So I have some schoolgirl crush on Tucker Price. Who doesn’t? This is a good sign, that I can actually have feelings about a guy, instead of the apathy I’ve had with every other guy I’ve gone out with.
When I get home, I close myself in my room and pull out my homework. My fingers curl around my mechanical pencil and the lead glides across the paper, the crisp, smooth sound filling the quiet of my room. My lamp pools light on my desk. I’m in my own little world. Numbers and variables fill the page and my head, easing back the prickly emotions that make me uneasy. This is my nirvana.
And for the first time, it’s not enough.
Chapter Fourteen
I’ve seen movies and read books in which the girl secretly pined for a boy who didn’t know she existed. I never understood why she didn’t move on. Why she got so stuck. But now I get it.
I’m living it.
Only it might be better if Tucker didn’t acknowledge me instead of showering me with niceness. We sit at Panera going over Tuesday’s algebra lesson. I’ve convinced myself that being with him in some way, even as a friend, is better than not being with him at all. He’s sweet and jokes with me, coaxing out my smiles. After thirty minutes, I’m more relaxed, and he seems relieved. He’s not awkward with this moody me, just subdued until I open up more.
“Are we still on tonight?” he asks, but he doesn’t look at me. He keeps his gaze on the notebook in front of him.
If I were smart, I’d say no. If I had any sense in my head, I’d convince the chancellor that Tucker needs another tutor. But my intelligence has fled along with my self-control and my common sense.
He glances into my face as I hesitate, probably because I hesitate, and I see the fear in his eyes.
He knows.
Of course he knows. Why else would he apologize yesterday? He’d done nothing to apologize for. He knows, and yet he pretends like he doesn’t.
I take several deep breaths and count to ten. I’m never nervous around Tucker, at least not until now. Now I’ve ruined everything.
He’s still waiting for an answer.
As much as I want to be with him, I can’t. It hurts too much. “No.”
His eyes widen and disappointment sweeps over his face. “Why not?”
I can’t admit the real reason why, and I don’t want to lie to him. I decide to tell him something that will make everyone happy. Everyone but me. “I already have plans tonight.”
“Oh.”
He doesn’t ask any more questions, but he’s quiet for the rest of our session. When our time is up, we pack up our things, and Tucker walks me to my car like he usually does. But this time feels different.
I twist the keys in my hand. “So I’ll see you Thursday. You’re doing great, Tucker. You may not need my help for much longer at this rate.”
He doesn’t respond for several seconds. “Then I guess I’ll have to work on looking more inept. I like knowing I have you to explain the lessons. You’re my safety net.”
There’s affection in the way he says it, and I can’t help smiling. “I’ve never been called anyone’s safety net before. But the arrangement is that I tutor you until your grades have improved, and you no longer need me. As long as you need me, I’m yours.”
Horror rushes in my head as I realize what I’ve just said, but Tucker smiles his sad smile.
“You have no idea how much I need to hear that.” Then he turns and walks to his car.
I watch him for a second then get in my car, processing the last hour in my head. I’ve made the right decision. For my own self-preservation, I need to create some distance between us.
Before I leave the parking lot, I text Daniel and apologize for the short notice and ask if he wants to go out tonight. He answers me back within thirty seconds, asking if I want to go see a movie.
This is good. I need to move on, and Daniel’s a great guy. So why does my heart hurt so much?
I drive back to campus to finish my math lab hours. Between students, I text Caroline and tell her I have a date tonight. I’m glad it’s a text when she sends an excited Squeeeeeee!!!!!!
Time drags, and I’m getting more and more nervous. Daniel texts and gives me the choice of a rom-com or an action movie. He seems surprised when I picked the action film and tells me it starts at seven forty-five, and he’ll pick me up around seven-twenty since I work until seven. I’m thankful there are few students waiting for help, and I get to leave ten minutes early.
When I leave the campus, my stomach is a mess of nerves and fear. I reassure myself that people go on dates all the time. Daniel is not an ax murderer. We’ll be in a public place. But when I walk in the door, Caroline tosses her afghan to the side and hops off the sofa.