This couldn’t be happening to us. She was my best friend. My wingman. She was the only girl I could stand to be around for any period of time other than my sisters, Candice and Rachel. And even those two were pushing it.
“Eli, I need to know.” She exhaled slowly and waited until she held my stare. “Is there any possibility of there being an us?”
I sat there frozen as I replayed everything she’d just said over and over. Waiting, hoping for her to take it all back. As the minutes ticked by, her anxious posture slowly hunched in on itself, and I watched as the hopefulness left her eyes.
Not a joke. This was real.
As the confusion washed through me, my head began shaking back and forth. “You’re my best friend, Paisley,” I nearly whispered. “You’ve always just been my best friend.”
A heavy breath left her when she grasped there was nothing else I would be adding, and for the second time in a week—and the fourth time in a dozen years—I watched Paisley bite down on her bottom lip as her eyes filled with tears.
“Pay . . .” I started reaching across the table, but stopped short. How was I supposed to touch her? How was I supposed to comfort her? How was I supposed to do anything now that I knew how she felt?
She blinked back the tears and it hit me. The bar—her tears. Like I’d done countless times, I’d been using her to make someone else realize I wasn’t interested. I had been touching her, brushing kisses against her neck—oh God. They meant nothing to me . . . but they’d meant something to her.
My head dropped into my hands and my elbows hit the table. If Paisley was in love with me, that changed everything . . . in the worst way possible.
“At the bar.” My voice came out rough, and I tried to clear my throat. “I was the reason you were upset last weekend.” I took her silence as confirmation, and even through my fear of losing my best friend, I hated myself in that moment. “I’m so sorry, Pay.”
“Don’t be, it’s not your fault—I mean, it’s not like you had any idea.” She tried to laugh, but it sounded wrong.
All of this was wrong.
“I have to go,” she choked out minutes later, and rushed out of the coffee shop.
I was out of my chair and running outside as soon as I heard the door shut. “Paisley,” I called after her, never stopping until I had ahold of her arm and was pulling her close into my chest.
Her body shook beneath my arms, and her head stayed bent as I whispered, “I’m sorry” over and over again. Tilting her head back, I brushed at her wet cheeks. “Pay, please don’t cry . . . it’s killing me to know that I’m the reason behind these tears.”
Paisley’s eyes closed as more tears fell from them, and her jaw trembled as she clenched it tight. When she tried lowering her head again, and I wouldn’t allow the movement, her eyes opened—and they were pleading with me.
What? I wasn’t sure. I was just terrified that she was somehow letting me know that I was about to lose her. That this was my only chance, and I knew it was a chance I couldn’t take. I loved her, but not the way she wanted me to. I couldn’t give her what she was asking for.
Kissing the top of her head, I left my lips there and prayed I wouldn’t lose my best friend as I whispered, “I’m sorry I can’t be what you need.”
A strangled cry burst from her chest, and when she tried again, I let her leave my arms to get in her car. As I stood in the parking lot watching her drive away, I knew I’d just lost the only girl who’d ever meant anything to me.
Chapter Four
September 1, 2013
Paisley
“I DON’T KNOW why it hurt so bad to hear him say those words—it’s not like I didn’t know that’s how he felt. It’s not like it’d been some big question of whether or not he might love me too . . . I guess I’d just kept letting myself believe that when he found out, he’d maybe see things differently, or something, I don’t know.” Looking over at Jason, I forced out something that vaguely resembled a laugh. “I blame you for that last part.”
Jason and Kristen both sat there sharing twin looks of pity, and I hated it. All their expressions were doing was making the ache in my soul grow.
Eli wasn’t in love with me.
I’m sorry I can’t be what you need.
My lips thinned into a tight line, and tears filled my eyes as his words played over and over again in my head. They’d sounded tortured coming from him, and they were torturing me still two days later.
“Paisley,” Kristen crooned.
“I’m fine,” I lied, and tilted my head back as I blinked away the tears.
I almost never cried, but Eli Jenkins was bringing the tears out a lot lately. I didn’t want them. I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to feel like nothing was right in the world. I didn’t want to be hiding out at Kristen and Jason’s on a Sunday morning because I was worried Eli would show up at my house and try to act like nothing had changed between us—while at the same time terrified he wouldn’t show up at all. I didn’t want to have a shattered soul while simultaneously having my chest tighten in anticipation at the thought of seeing Brett later. I just wanted to go back to how everything had been.
I’d spent half of my life silently loving Eli Jenkins. And up until a few weeks ago, I would have told you with one hundred percent certainty that I would have continued loving only him for the rest of my life even if he never found out—as pathetic as that sounds. I never expected to find someone who would have me reconsidering that future, and I definitely never expected to find someone who would have me falling that hard that fast.