“Lizzie,” she squeaked, pushing in past me. “What’s the matter? You missed our coffee date.” She lifted the large iced Americano she was holding for me.
“Thanks,” I mumbled, half-heartedly. For once not even coffee sounded good.
I waved at her to follow me inside and into the living room, where I collapsed onto the couch. My townhouse was a mess. Though it was nothing like Ashlyn’s crazy version of housekeeping, for me, it was a wreck—used tissues littered the coffee table, cold mugs of tea sat untouched and several pieces of mail and a couple of magazines lay scattered on the floor. I’d seen Cohen outside jogging with Bob, and I’d grabbed my mail and scampered back into the house, fumbling and dropping the items at my feet. My heart had alternated between thundering in my chest and clenching in pain—especially when he hadn’t come after me.
Not that I’d really been expecting him to, I guess. That was two days ago now, and I still didn’t know what to say to him.
After that blissful night with him, I’d left early the following morning while he was still asleep and hadn’t returned his calls in the days that followed. I knew it was shitty of me, but I needed to get my head on straight. It felt like everything was collapsing around me, and if and when I told Cohen the truth about me, I didn’t know if I could handle his rejection.
“What’s wrong? Boy troubles?” Ashlyn asked, settling into an oversized armchair.
“Something like that,” I mumbled and curled my feet up onto the seat underneath me.
“Are you still seeing Stu?” Her face was a mask of worry. Crease lines etched into her forehead as she leaned forward and studied me.
“God, no. I’ve been done with him for a while.” Gross. I couldn’t believe she thought I’d be this upset over Stu. I hadn’t even thought about him in weeks.
She moved to sit beside me on the couch and rubbed my back, soothingly. “Then what is it, sweetie? It’s not like you to get so upset.”
I cleared my throat, and wiped both cheeks with my sleeves. “It’s Cohen. We had sex.” Twice.
Ashlyn’s breath left her chest in a rush. “Oh crap. And? Was it horrible? Awkward?”
“Oh God, no. Nothing like that. It was better than I could have ever imagined.” I’d set my expectations low, never imagining Cohen would be as naturally gifted as he was.
She raised her eyebrows, impressed. “So are you guys together now?”
That was the problem. I didn’t know how to face Cohen now, how to say what I needed to say. “There’s something I’ve never told you.”
“What is it, Liz? You know you can tell me anything.”
I nodded slowly, somberly and mumbled that I’d be right back. I didn’t need to tell her so much as I needed to show her. Only this would explain why my feelings for Cohen terrified me.
I went into my bedroom and came back carrying an ornate silver box engraved with the word Love. I realized for the first time that keeping my love boxed up was more than just a metaphor. I set the box on her lap and then sat down next to her.
“What’s this?”
“Open it.”
Ashlyn lifted the lid and looked quizzically down inside at the velvet lining. She lifted the simple gold ring and held it up to the light. “It’s beautiful, but I don’t understand.”
I pulled a shaky breath into my lungs, fighting down emotion I thought I’d buried completely. “I was engaged once.”
Ashlyn’s stunned silence betrayed her hurt feelings that I’d kept this from her.
I’d wanted to tell her before, all the times she’d laughed at how carefree I was, or scoffed about me being a commitment-phobe. It’d been on my mind countless times, I just never knew quite what to say. And of course it’d been on my mind the night she’d thrust her large, sparkling diamond ring in my face.
“I was twenty.” I smiled lightly at the memory. “I was a sophomore in college and trust me, I’d never intended to get engaged so young. But then you never got to meet Paul.”
She watched me, her expression one of concern.
“He was perfect, Ash. Beyond perfect. He was two years older than me. I met him when I was seventeen—he was a busboy at my parent’s country club, and definitely not good enough to date their daughter as far as they were concerned. But he won them over eventually. He was sweet, and kind and well-mannered. He’d help my mom clear the dishes after dinner and could talk sports with my dad. He was my first…everything.”
I cleared my throat, realizing I’d gotten a little lost in my own story. I could still see Paul’s crooked smile the first time he showed me the cursive E he’d had tattooed over his heart. Paul was the reason I started going by Liz. But that was later, of course. After.
“He was driving in from Des Moines, coming to visit me at college for the weekend.”
Ashlyn nestled the ring back into the box and reached over, placing her hand on my knee. “Liz?”
“It’s okay.” I gripped my hands together in my lap, bracing myself for this next part. “He fell asleep behind the wheel and collided head on with a semi-truck. He was killed instantly.” Because of me. Because of love, I add in my head. Ashlyn would try and talk me out of that notion because that was what she was supposed to do. But I knew. Just like I knew in my heart I was falling for Cohen and I wasn’t supposed to. He was off limits for so many reasons, it should have been illegal.