“It’s been a long time.”
“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” I’m trying to sound bored out of my mind. I don’t want him to know what he’s doing to me. He doesn’t deserve this reaction. More importantly, neither do I.
“How’ve you been?” he asks.
“I’ve been fine.” Automatic response. It means nothing. I’ve been anything but fine.
His gaze stays on me, and I really want to be somewhere else, because right now he looks like he used to, and it hurts to remember.
“And you?” I ask with white-knuckle politeness. “How have you been?”
“I’m … okay.”
There’s something in his tone. Something buried. He’s left just enough of it poking through to make me curious, but I don’t want to dig to find out more, because I know that’s what he wants.
“Wow, that’s awesome, Ethan, “I say with just the right amount of perky to piss him off. “Good to hear.”
He looks at the ground and runs his hand through his hair. His posture tenses into the familiar form of the jackass I know so well.
“Well, there it is,” he says. “Three years, and that’s all you have to say to me. Of course.”
My stomach rolls.
No, asshole, that’s not all I have to say, but what’s the point? It’s all been said before, and talking in circles isn’t my idea of a good time.
“Yep, that’s it,” I say cheerily, and push past him. I fling the door open and clomp down the stairs, ignoring the tingle on my skin where we touched.
There’s a muffled “Fuck” before I hear him hurrying after me. I try to outrun him, but he grabs my arm before we reach the bottom.
“Cassie, wait.”
He turns me to face him, and I expect him to press against me. To ruin me with his skin and smell like he has so many times before. But he doesn’t.
He just stands there, and all the air in the narrow, dark stairwell is as thick as cotton. I feel claustrophobic, but I won’t let him see.
No weakness.
He taught me that.
“Listen, Cassie,” he says, and I hate that I’ve missed hearing him say my name so damn much. “Do you think we could just put all our bullshit behind us and start again? I really want to. I thought you might, too.”
His expression is full of sincerity, but I’ve seen it before. Every time I trusted it, I ended up getting my heart ripped out.
“You want to start again?” I say. “Oh, sure. No problem. Why didn’t I think of that?”
“It doesn’t have to be like this.”
The implication is that I’m being unreasonable. If I weren’t so angry, I’d laugh.
“Then what should it be like, huh?” I ask, words like acid. “Please, tell me. After all, you’re the one who always makes decisions about our relationship. How do you want to play it this time? Friends? Fuck buddies? Enemies? Oh, wait, I know. Why don’t you play the piece of shit who broke my heart, and I’ll be the woman who doesn’t want anything to do with him outside the rehearsal room? How would that be?”
His jaw tightens. He’s angry.
Good.
I can deal with angry.
He rubs his eyes and exhales. I expect him to yell, but he doesn’t. Instead, he says in a quiet voice, “None of what I said in my e-mails meant anything to you, did it? I thought we might at least be able to talk about what happened. Did you even read them?”
“Of course I read them,” I say. “I just didn’t believe them. I mean, there’s only so many times I can swallow bullshit before I despise the taste. What’s the phrase? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice—”
“I’m not fooling you this time. Or myself. In the past, I did what I needed to, for both of us.”
“Are you kidding me? Do you actually expect me to thank you for what you did?”
“No,” he says, voice brimming with frustration. “Of course not. I just want to…”
“You want another chance to ruin me? How stupid do you think I am?”
He shakes his head. “I want things to be different. If you want me to apologize, I’ll do it until I lose my fucking voice. I just want things to be right between us. Talk to me. Help me fix this.”
“You can’t.”
“Cassie—”
“No, Ethan! Not this time. Not ever again.”
He leans forward. He’s close. Too close. He smells just like he used to, and I can’t think. I want to shove him away so I can clear my head. Or beat him with my fists until he understands I haven’t been truly happy for years, and it’s all his fault. I want to do so many things, but all I do is stand there, hating how powerless he can still make me feel.
His breathing is just as uneven as mine. His body’s just as tense. Even after everything we’ve been through, our attraction still tortures us. Just like old times.
Thank God the door at the bottom of the stairs opens. I look over to see Cody staring up at us with a confused expression.
“Mr. Holt? Ms. Taylor? Is everything okay?”
Holt steps away from me and rakes his fingers through his hair.
I exhale a ragged, shallow breath. “Everything’s fine, Cody. All good.”
“Okay, then,” he says brightly. “Just letting you know we’re about to start.”
He disappears, and it’s just Ethan and me again. Oh, and the shitload of baggage we carry.