A dark shadow passes over Holt’s face. “What am I supposed to be apologizing for?”
“You tell me,” Erika says with a smile.
He exhales and rubs his hand over his face. “Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it.”
“No, that’s not how it works. Your job is to create something—an idea, an emotion—within the parameters I give you. The parameters are those two words being said to someone who means something to you. You have your instructions. What are you going to do with them?”
He looks around the room, restless and uncomfortable.
“Mr. Holt?”
“I’m thinking,” he snaps.
“About what?”
“Who I’m apologizing to.”
“Who’s it going to be?”
He glances at me briefly before saying, “A friend.”
“And what are you apologizing for?”
He stops fidgeting. “Why do you have to know that? Does it matter?”
She shakes her head and gestures for him to begin. “Not at all. Whenever you’re ready.”
He closes his eyes and draws in a huge lungful of air before releasing it in a long, steady exhale. There’s a sense of expectation in the room.
When he opens his eyes, he picks a point at the back of the room and focuses on it. His face changes. It’s softer. Contrite.
“I’m sorry,” he says, but it’s still not sincere.
“Not good enough,” Erika says. “Try again.”
He stays focused on the same point as his face twitches.
“I’m sorry,” he says again, but he’s resisting the emotion.
“Dig deeper, Mr. Holt,” Erika urges. “You’re capable of more. Give it to me.”
He blinks and shakes his head, and his eyes are getting glassier by the second. “I’m sorry!”
His voice is getting louder, but he’s still protecting himself. Spark without flame.
“That’s not enough, Ethan!” Erika says, her voice rising with his. “Stop fighting the emotion. Let us see it. All of it. No matter how messy it is.”
He swallows and clenches his jaw. His hands curl into fists as he moves from one foot to the other.
He stays silent.
“Mr. Holt?”
He blinks a few more times then drops his gaze to the floor.
“No,” he whispers. “I … can’t.”
“Too personal?”
He nods.
“Too vulnerable?”
He nods again.
“Too … frightening?”
He glares at her. He doesn’t need to answer.
“Sit down, Mr. Holt.”
He strides over to his chair and sits heavily.
“So, would you like to change your opinion that acting is easy and doesn’t require courage?” Erika asks softly.
He swallows hard. “Obviously.”
Erika looks around at the rest of us. “Acting deals with delicate emotions. Finding them within ourselves and letting them out for others to see. But in order to do that, the actor has to be willing to show parts of himself he’s ashamed of. He has to have the courage to give light to every terrifying insecurity and shameful regret. Nothing can be hidden. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not about eliciting a response from the audience. It’s about manifesting something from within yourself and letting the audience witness it.”
She gestures to Holt, who’s looking at the floor and chewing his fingernail.
“What happened to Mr. Holt today will happen to all of you at some point. There’ll be times when you think you can’t portray a character or emotion because it’s too frightening or personal. But it’s your job to find the courage to let others see your vulnerability. That’s what makes a good actor. In Kafka’s wonderful words, you have the power of ‘melting the ice within, of awakening dormant cells, of making us more fully alive, more fully human, at once more individual and more connected to each other.’ That’s why we do what we do.”
Her words resonate with me. I look at Holt. He’s staring at the floor, shoulders slumped. He knows she’s right, and it scares the hell out of him.
“Now,” Erika says as she walks to her desk and picks up a piece of paper, “you all auditioned for our first-year theater production, a little-known play called Romeo and Juliet…” Everyone laughs. “And I’m happy to say that casting has been completed.”
We all sit up straighter as excitement ripples around the room.
I thought my audition went well, and despite my lack of experience, I want this role. So much.
Erika starts by reading out the minor characters. There are murmurs and curses and some squeals of delight, but as we get to the leading roles, the whole room falls silent.
“The role of Tybalt goes to … Lucas.”
Lucas woots loudly and pumps his fist in the air. I can see him playing Tybalt, high as a kite and slightly unhinged.
“Benvolio will be played by … Mr. Avery.”
Jack nods and smugly says, “That’s right. Badass Benvolio in da house.”
There are laughs and cheers.
“The nurse will be played by Miss Sediki.”
There’s a round of applause, and Aiyah looks like she’s going to cry.
She announces Miranda, Troy, Mariska, and Tyler will play the parental Capulets and Montagues. Then it’s time to reveal the lead roles.
My mouth goes dry and my stomach acid churns. I close my eyes as I chant silent entreaties.