“Yep,” she says over full bite of hamburger. But she’s grinning and she’s so f**king beautiful when she smiles.
“I’m sorry about your husband,” I say. I should leave it alone, but I don’t want to.
“So am I,” she says, “but lamenting over it isn’t going to bring him back. He would want me to be happy. And I’m happy.” She shrugs. She takes my face in her hand and turns me to look at her. “Truly, you were a godsend today, Daniel. You took my mind off my troubles and made the day wonderful. And I will thank you forever for it.”
We eat in silence for a few minutes, and she grins at me and says, “We have to buy chestnuts.”
I groan. “I couldn’t eat anything else.”
She leans into my shoulder playfully. “We have to finish your list.” She takes my hand and turns my watch up, shaking her head. “I’m sorry I couldn’t fix your watch,” she says.
“It’s just a watch.”
“Time didn’t stand still, Daniel,” she says. “You did.”
“I know.” But I don’t know how to undo it. Today felt great, but what about tomorrow?
“Are you ready to go?” she asks.
I nod. I’m not really ready to go. But I guess we should. It’s getting dark out, and I need to take her back home. I’m not quite ready to let her go yet, though.
We stop and buy hot chestnuts even though we’re both too full to eat them. Then we get in a cab to go back to her house. She rattles off the address, and the numbers stick in my head. She’s quiet on the way back. And I hate the idea of breaking the silence. It’s comfortable. I lay a hand upon her thigh and squeeze it gently. She lays her palm over mine and looks up at me, and tilts her head onto my shoulder.
The cab rolls to a stop and I get out and then take her hand to help her stand. I don’t let it go as I walk her to the door. “I want to kiss you,” I blurt out. I want it with every fiber of my being.
She shakes her head. “Not unless you plan to come back tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.” She bites her lips together. A strand of hair gets caught on her lip and I pull it free and tuck it behind her ear.
I can’t promise her anything. “Thank you for spending the day with me today,” I say quietly. She steps up onto the bottom step and we’re nose to nose. Her breath smells like French fries and ketchup.
“Thank you, Daniel,” she says. “I really appreciate today. I needed it more than you know.”
I nod. I don’t know what to say to her now.
“Goodbye, Daniel,” she whispers.
“Goodbye, Faith,” I whisper back. I close my eyes and breathe in the scent that’s all hers. It’s coffee and antiperspirant and… Faith.
Faith goes inside and closes the door with a soft snick behind her. She doesn’t dawdle. She doesn’t hesitate. She just leaves.
I take the cab back to my hotel and decide to walk around the city a little while since I have time until midnight. I walk around and enjoy the hustle and bustle, and feel invested in the people around me for the first time in a very long time. I smile at an elderly woman and she grins back at me. I take her arm and help her across the street, even though I’m almost as slow as she is. I pick up a toy a little girl drops from her stroller and hand it to her, and she smiles up at me. There’s happiness all around me. Why have I been missing this for so long? Why couldn’t I see what’s right in front of me?
I walk around until my leg starts to hurt, and I realize it’s a quarter until midnight. I have to hurry, if I’m going to do what I set out to do. I let myself in the room. I have had all this planned so well for so long. I unlock the safe and take out my gun. And I take out a few bottles of pain pills in case I am too much of a chicken shit to use the gun. I line them up on the bathroom counter and stare at them.
I sit down on the edge of the tub and let the minutes tick by. I look toward the TV, where I can hear the countdown. I pick up the gun and click a round into the chamber. My f**king hands are shaking.
I wait.
I blow out a heavy breath.
Less than a minute until midnight. I purposefully got a room near the fireworks in hopes it would drown out the sound of the gunfire. Wishful thinking I suppose.
Who will clean up the mess when I’m gone?
That’s a stupid question.
10.
9.
8.
7.
6.
5.
4.
I stop counting, because there’s a new sound in the room. I look around. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. I look down at my watch. It’s making the faintest of whispers, but I hear it over the fireworks. It’s midnight. It’s the new year. And my watch just started back up.
Holy shit.
I toss the gun down on the bathroom counter like it’s hot. I step back from it and run a hand through my hair, tugging it when I get to the ends. I walk around in a circle. It’s after midnight, and time has started moving for me again.
I heave in a deep breath, watching my chest bellow with air. My chest fills, and I glory in it. I am alive. My watch didn’t stop after all.
But what I was about to do… that’s some serious shit. I need some help. I can’t do this alone. I know it. But for the first time in a really long time, I have faith that I am not alone.
Holy cow. My watch is working. I press my palm to the face of it and squeeze.
I call my CO, because he’ll be able to help me. I scare him shitless when I start to talk to him, but he’s understanding. He promises to help. And he puts things in motion to get me some help for my PTSD and my depression. He does it while he has me on his cell phone line. I can hear him barking orders into the landline and it makes me smile.