“My mother was a drug addict.”
Gen sucked in her breath. He spoke softly to the sky, as if by releasing the words into the night they’d be carried off to a magical place that couldn’t hurt anymore. She remained silent, waiting for more.
“She’d do anything to get high. Usually it involved starving us both to shoot up, or prostituting her body for a quick blow. I remember once when I was about seven, I got home from school and heard her screwing in the back room. I was used to it by then, so I started looking for something to eat and found some old Cheerios left in the cupboard. When I went to get a bowl, I found her stash. A small bag of white powder tied with a twisty thing. I was entranced. I mean, I was used to seeing her high, but she always hid the stuff well. It looked just like powdered sugar, something I’d put on waffles if I had any.”
Her heart pounded so loud she barely heard his words.
“I took it down, opened it up, and realized I could be a user, too. I’d be happier that way. I’d be closer to her—like partners. She was happy when she was high, and would hug me, sometimes sing and dance, and I imagined it could always be like that. I swiped my fingers inside, rubbed it around, and brought it up to my nose. I wanted that coke so bad I shook with it. I wanted to go far away like her and stop being so scared and needy all the time.”
He let out a sigh. She didn’t say anything, just waited.
“I didn’t get the chance. They came out of the bedroom, and when they saw me with the bag, her client beat the crap out of me. I never found her stash again. Guess she was afraid she’d have less if I got hooked.”
Her insides hurt. Shame washed over her. Even with her past, her parents loved her, and rallied together. Her family was the most important part of her life. What type of person would she have become if there had been no safety net in her world? No one to trust or depend on or love her unconditionally?
Gen knew pity would make him vomit. He didn’t deserve pity anyway; he was too strong for that. She made sure her voice never wobbled. “Motherfucker. Sorry, Wolfe, but I hate your mother.”
A surprised chuckle escaped his lips. “Yeah, me, too.”
“At least you didn’t take the drugs.”
“I think I would’ve. And that’s something I never forget. It wasn’t strength of will that saved me. Just coincidence.”
She wanted to tell him he was full of shit, but sensed an argument. Gen let his words float back up to the sky with the rest of the stuff. He wasn’t ready for a deep heart-to-heart, but this was the first time he’d ever shared information about his past. If that was a tiny piece, she wondered if she’d be able to handle the whole story.
“Too bad. I was hoping for some awesome sex secret. Like telling me you really are into dominatrix stuff.”
“Sex again, huh?”
“Must be the alcohol.” She finished up the fifth or sixth beer, and enjoyed the heat coursing through her veins. The fake happiness would soon turn to depression, but she didn’t care for now. It had been so long she let go of control and did something reckless. “David said I sucked at sex.”
This time, he rolled over. Those stinging blue eyes pierced into hers and his jaw tightened. “David was an asshole and that’s why you left. You don’t suck at sex.”
The giggles overtook her. “How do you know? We never had sex. I probably do. I’m too in my head, always waiting to see if I’m good enough until faking orgasms became my art.”
Fury laced his words. “Let me repeat. He was an asshole, and lousy in bed if he had you faking orgasms. He messed with your head, babe. Don’t let him get in.”
She waved a hand in the air and tried not to giggle again. Oh yeah, she was drunk. It wasn’t so funny before, but now it seemed kind of lame not to be able to rock the bedroom with your fiancé. “S’okay. I’m not the sexy type, you know? I’m vanilla. Boring. He even said my kissing was like missionary sex every night. But I know he didn’t mean to hurt my feelings. He was just saying it to make me better, so I got some books, but it still didn’t really work.”
His teeth clenched. She was fascinated by the naked rage flickering over his face, the way he held his body tight as if he was about to explode like some badass superhero. “I’m going to kill him.”
She almost laughed, but then he looked a bit too serious. Gen frowned and reached out. She got lucky and hit vision number one, which was real and not the duplicate dancing in front of her. Her fingers stroked his stubbled jaw in an effort to soothe his temper. Damn, she used to be able to knock back five beers in a night. Maybe because she had nothing in her stomach and it had been a hell of a day. Why did he look so mad again? Oh yeah, because she sucked at kissing and he was gonna kill David. “Not his fault. He never wanted to hurt me, told me that all the time. I kinda made him do it by not listening.”
“You really believe this shit, Gen?”
“It’ll be okay. I’ll get a vibrator or something, or maybe take lessons. Kate’s mom is a sex therapist, you know. Maybe she can help.”
He grabbed her hand and squeezed tight. “I’m gonna rip him apart piece by piece. You are good at sex. You are good at kissing. Are you listening?”
She nodded hard. Ooooh, cool. Three faces now. He was so nice to look at, she could stare at him all day. So much better than evil Kermits. “Uh-huh. You’re a good friend. My fault though. You don’t know how bad I am at it.”