“Every day he talks about you. Every day he wonders what you’re doing, if you’re safe… if your mamma’s looking over you.”
“Lexi…” I whispered, trailing off as emotion dried my throat. I couldn’t handle imagining Austin taking all that on while I rotted in a damn cell, unable to do shit but wish away my life.
“And he’s been counting down the days ‘til your release so he could be there, at the prison gates, when you got out. He couldn’t wait to bring you home.”
I briefly closed my eyes and inhaled through my nose. “Fuck, Lexi… but Levi—”
“Is still struggling with your mamma’s death. He’s too quiet, keeps everything bottled up.”
“Yeah? Well, he had no problem making his feelings ‘bout me clear enough,” I replied.
“And that’s why you being here is a blessing.”
My eyebrows pulled down in confusion, and Lexi shrugged. “That’s the most passionate I’ve seen Levi since we were all back in Bama. Five years of keeping everything inside. You’ve just released something within him.”
“Hatred,” I said, feeling the truth of those words deep in my chest.
Lexi squeezed my hand and began to walk away, only looking back to say, “Love. Only the feeling of love would bring that out in Lev. I know him enough to know that. You only hurt the ones you love. I think you being here will force him to confront things he’s tried to bury deep. Having you here will make him have to confront his grief.”
Lexi walked toward the kitchen again, and I asked, “Hey, Lexi?”
She turned and smiled sadly.
“Why aren’t you kicking me out?” I ducked my head in embarrassment. “I threatened you, scared you… Fuck, I wanted to keep you quiet.” Shame, real shame ran through me as I met her eyes. “And I wouldn’t have hesitated to either, if Aust hadn’t stopped me. I… I would have, Lexi. Do you get that? I would’ve hurt you to protect the Heighters.”
Lexi swallowed and I could see a flash of pure fear cross her face. “I know, Axel. I remember your threats just as much as you, and I remember the intent in your eyes as you did so. But I’m working on being stronger, and holding on to hatred will only keep me weak.” Her gaze drifted up the stairs again, where I could hear what sounded like closet doors opening and shutting. “And Austin loves you.”
I frowned.
Lexi noticed. “Austin puts me first. I’m everything to him. I have been for the longest time now. He’s my protector and refuses to let me relapse or be in any kind of danger.”
I stared in silence and Lexi blushed. I could see on her face how much she loved my brother. It made me feel uncomfortable. I’d never witnessed that kind of love before and knew one hundred percent that I could never be that important to anybody for as long as I lived.
Lexi sighed. “Axel, if Austin thought you were in any way a danger to me or Levi, you wouldn’t be standing here right now. My Austin trusts you, implicitly, and because I know that my husband will never let me fall, I trust you’ve changed too… I trust the Axel buried deep within you, which has Austin’s love, has finally broken his way to the surface.”
Lexi circled the wedding ring on her finger. Meeting my gaze, she flicked her chin to the upstairs direction. “You better get upstairs and tell him you’re staying. By the sounds of it, he’s already unpacked for you. He’s been saving you a bedroom since we moved in.”
Lexi disappeared into the kitchen and I stayed in the entranceway on my own for a while. Her words ran through my head, and before I even realized it, I was walking up the long spiral staircase and came to a huge hallway with doors leading off in all directions.
Following the hallway to the sound of drawers being pulled open, I couldn’t help but look at the photographs lining the walls: Austin at the draft, dressed in a suit, holding his 49ers shirt, then him this summer signing here at the Seahawks. Levi graduating high school, his stidda missing from his cheek. I felt both a mixture of shame and pride at that. Ashamed he’d ever earned one in the first place, but proud it wasn’t the guy he was now.
I walked farther toward the room, but a picture at the end, bigger than all the rest, made me freeze in my steps.
Mamma.
Mamma, around the same age as Levi was now, singing on stage in Verona.
I don’t know how long I stood there, but when my beard was wet with tears and my feet had grown numb, I knew it’d been a while.
Gutting shame filled my stomach and it almost brought me to my knees.
I’d failed my mamma. She’d asked me—no, begged—me to get straight, save my brothers. Instead, I’d condemned them to gang life while she was trapped on her bed with ALS unable to do anything about it. They’d shot people, dealt drugs… and I’d cheered them on all the way.
“It’s my favorite,” Austin spoke from behind me, but I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t look away from my mamma’s smiling face.
“It was kept in a trunk she had under her bed. I never knew about it. This one, pictures of our grandparents we never met.” Austin paused and came to stand at my side. “Pictures of us all as kids… so many damn pictures.”
I still didn’t speak. I couldn’t.
“She knew you loved her,” Austin said in a hoarse voice as if he knew what was killing me inside.
I couldn’t take any more. I couldn’t take any more pain… I couldn’t take speaking of my mamma, looking at her so young and healthy, when my last memory of her was caged in her broken body on her tiny, shitty bed. So I wiped my eyes and turned to Austin.
He looked every bit as broken as I felt.
I opened my mouth to speak, when he cut me off. “You’re staying, Axe. I ain’t letting you leave.”
All I could do was nod.
Sighing deep, I slung my arm around Austin’s neck, and he led me to the biggest bedroom I’d ever seen. I was used to a claustrophobic six-by-eight foot cell. This was a dream.
“Y’all are unpacked.”
“Thanks, kid,” I said quietly as I walked to the window, a window that overlooked a still and silent Lake.
I could feel Austin hovering at the door, could feel his stare on my back. “Just ask, Austin,” I said, not turning around.
I heard the floorboard creak. “Just… just wondering what your plans are, you know, here in Seattle?”