I knew I wasn’t able to take everything I had with me to Seattle. I’d probably need a moving van for that. And who knew what was going to happen to my poor little Put-Put. I guess one day I was going to have to come back and get the motorbike but I knew that day wouldn’t be a fun one. I really felt like if I left with Dex, I wasn’t going to be allowed back in the house for an awful long time.
And that was another reason why I had to be sure I was making the right decision. I still wasn’t 100% about it either, but the more I started gathering my clothes into an empty suitcase and piling shoes and purses and books together, I knew it didn’t have to be forever. The important thing was I was getting away from my parents’ prying eyes and though it was a long time coming, it was better late than never. And who knew, maybe within a week I’d luck out with a new job and be set to move out on my own. Maybe I’d find a house to share with a couple of young people. A whole new world of possibilities awaited me.
It still had me scared shitless though. When I finally fell asleep in the middle of the night it was only for a few hours and then I was up with the dawn, anxious and raring to go. I hadn’t felt so cagey since I was teen coming down from a long and ill-advised coke session.
By the time Ada came knocking on my door, I had packed up as much stuff as I could into my suitcase and some boxes I quietly snuck out of the garage.
“Holy crap,” she said from the doorway and I grabbed her skinny arm before she could say any more, pulling her inside, and closed the door behind her.
I shushed her, then said, “I don’t want mom and dad to know yet. Not until Dex gets here.”
Ada gave me a smile that was half-sad, half-proud. “You made your choice?”
I nodded. “It’s not the best choice but it’s really the only one I have.”
She kept that smile pasted on her face and sat down on the bed with a sigh. “So you’re really going?”
“Unless you can give me a reason not to…” I said and took a seat beside her.
She scooched closer to me, beanpole legs sticking out from plaid boxers. “I’m going to miss you.”
I felt a pinch of emptiness in my chest at that. I put my arm around her and lay my head on her shoulder. I tried really hard not to cry but I’d be lying if I said a few tears hadn’t leaked out.
“I’m going to miss you too,” I told her. Then I pulled away and put on my brave face. “But you’re going to do great without me.”
“I know but…oh my God, are you crying?” she admonished but I could see her eyes were glistening too.
“No.” I sniffed and hit her lightly on the arm. “And neither are you.”
I looked around the room. It looked strange with half the stuff packed away. It felt right though. Even the right things can be scary.
“What did Dex say?” she asked.
“Actually he asked if I’d move in with him.”
Ada beamed. “That’s my boy.”
I laughed and gave her a funny look. “Your boy? I have to be honest; I’m not used to Little Fifteen being on Team Dex. I’m not even sure if I like it.”
“Get used to it,” she said. “He saved my sister. I owe him a lot. Hey, did you know Little Fifteen is actually a Depeche Mode song?”
“I’m surprised you know who Depeche Mode are,” I said wryly.
“I know, I always thought it was a type of dessert. Anyway, I think he’s coming around. Just give him time.”
I bristled. “I don’t have to give him anything. Not time, not friendship, not anything. This is just a temporary arrangement. Once I find a job, I’m out of there.”
“And what, you’ll never speak to him again? Yeah right.”
I shrugged and looked down at my ratty nail polish job. “Things are too messed up right now. I know he saved my life. I know he nearly gave up his own for mine. I know that. But…it doesn’t make the feelings go away. The hurt. What he did. I just can’t trust him. I don’t know if I even want to bother trusting him. What’s the point? Why do I need him in my life anyway?”
She stared at me with her big eyes like I was some odd creature at the zoo, something she’d never seen before and wasn’t sure what I was.
“What?” I snapped.
“You need him in your life to get out of your current one, Perry,” she said softly. “Let’s just start with that, m’kay?”
She gave me a quick pat on the shoulder and got up. “I better get ready for school. Don’t you dare leave before I’m back or I’ll be super pissed.”
I told her I wouldn’t dream of it, but then again, I had no idea what was in store. Dex was coming by at 2pm, that’s the only thing I could count on.
She left the room and I set about getting ready myself and putting most of the boxes and suitcase in the closet and under the bed, just in case my parents decided to pop in. Now came the hardest part: waiting until the afternoon, pretending like my life wasn’t about to undergo a humungous change that could potentially damage the already fragile relationship I had with my parents.
I thought about avoiding them for most of the day. And I tried, I really did, but around lunchtime my stomach was rumbling and I knew I’d have to eat or fall flat on my face. My panic attacks always worsened when I had low blood sugar.
My mom was in the kitchen puttering around as usual, putting things away that had already been put away, tidying dishcloths that were already hanging pin straight. She looked up at me in surprise, wringing her hands together.
“Oh, you’re up! I didn’t know if we should wake you or not,” she said. Her voice sounded taut, forced.
I took a seat at the stool beside the island, the soles of my shoes bouncing on the rungs. “I’ve been up for a while.”
“Oh. Can I get you something? I just made lunch for your father before he left.”
“Sure, if you managed to save something for me,” I said under my breath. She didn’t seem to notice my tone and quickly pulled out a small portion of pasta from the fridge, popping it in the microwave.
“It’s only a little bit,” she said and couldn’t help but let her eyes drift to my chest and arms. I knew what she was thinking, that I could afford to eat less. But instead of letting myself get enraged over it like I normally would have, I turned my thoughts off and looked out the window at the dreary day. If my weird telepathic thing was real and was magnified by my emotional state, I didn’t want her to find out. Not yet, when I was so close to leaving.