You brought that monster back into my life. Leave me the hell alone.
Sleep just wasn’t something I deserved apparently. I was up all night after that. I went from worrying about Mel’s safety to worrying about whether she’d ever forgive me. Funny how that worked out. Just a week ago I was trying to find a way to forgive her. Now here I was. I was the one hanging precariously off the edge.
The worst part of all, I still didn’t know the truth from the lies. I suspected my previous ratio of untruths – which favored heavily in Mel’s corner – had now shifted the other way. I began to wonder exactly how much Brad really knew all these years. Maybe he really did tell me she was a cheater just to keep me away from her. Maybe he really was the one who knocked her up and bailed on her. And that pissed me off more than anything – getting her pregnant and running from his responsibilities. And if he had done that – left her alone in this world to deal with it – I just wanted to smack the shit out of him.
I glanced at my phone again. Nothing new. I had messaged her back once telling her how sorry I was. Never in a million years would I have thought Brad was capable of physically hurting her. And she was right. I brought him back into her life. I did this, and it twisted and wrung my stomach in so many ways that it constantly ached. I was the reason she got hurt.
17
Karen wrapped my stitches with a fresh bandage. It wasn’t really necessary since it was easy enough to do myself, but I think it made her feel more important, like being able to take care of me justified her sticking around a few days. Truthfully, the skin had begun healing, so I didn’t even need the bandage anymore, but I had this fear of getting one of the stitches caught on something and ripping it open. Gawd. Just thinking that could happen sent an uncomfortable vibration through my body. So I was more than happy to let her wrap it up for me.
What really bugged me were the pieces of glass that hadn’t been removed from my skin. They were so tiny they were damn near impossible to grab with the tweezers. So every time I rubbed my skin the wrong way, they pierced me and lodged in a little deeper.
Karen had been incredibly helpful with other things too, like cooking and keeping Jake entertained. It left me plenty of time to ponder the past few days. Brad was just f**king out of his mind. I always figured he’d remain a drunk, but I never thought he’d be that unstable. What the hell was he thinking, coming to the bar like that? That dumbass was going to land himself in jail over some money?
Scary thing was, I wasn’t sure if he came to Sully’s knowing he was going to attack me, or if he did it on the fly. Which was scarier? Premeditated or desperate acts? And why the hell hadn’t Shane kept a better eye on him? He was flanking him twenty-four-seven, how could he not think Brad was unhinged enough to do something like that? I suddenly felt really low on his list of priorities, and I began to wonder if I even made the list at all now.
“Stop that already,” Karen said, interrupting my train of thought.
My automatic pilot looked her way, sitting beside me on the sofa, but I already knew she was referring to my obsessive need to glance at my phone. I couldn’t keep from checking to see if it had died or if I had a weak signal. She could tell by my twitchy hand that I was about to reach out and activate the screen again.
“I’m pathetic, aren’t I?”
“No,” Karen replied flatly. “Just stubborn. And proud.”
“Stubborn?” I mocked. “Proud?”
“Yes, and yes. I know I was against it in the beginning, but hell, that shithead attacked you. Just tell Shane the truth about everything now. He’s the one in the middle. Whatever that dumbass has told him over the years, Shane has to be questioning by now.”
“I always thought it was best to let him go, you know? The jerk totally bailed on us but he had weird abandonment issues.” Quite honestly, he wasn’t fit to help me raise Jake.
“Which is why I find it odd that he abandoned you physically after his grandmother did it to him emotionally,” she muttered.
“I know I was the one who was pregnant and the one forced to move forward with it and find a way, but I just felt sorry for him.” I was totally shaking my head at that. Such a stupid way to feel, especially since I was more of a victim than he was these days. “Shane was the last person he had left. And the way I never heard from him once he moved away, I just figured he was primarily Brad’s friend. Like he put up with me because I was with Brad all those years. Yeah, I liked him and I wanted him, but it was like he wasn’t mine to take.
“But now… Did I tell you Shane was the one who wanted to ask me out in high school? And that Brad did it first just to spite him? It’s made me hurt ever since I learned that. I’ve missed out on something that really feels right.”
“Well, I guess Brad’s been a dick all along then. And you haven’t missed out completely. You can still have him if you try.”
I let my neck collapse to the sofa cushion, rolling my head her way. “I thought you didn’t like him.”
Her face twisted into multiple expressions, all of which humorously screamed you’re going to make me say it, aren’t you? “Alright. I’ll admit he wasn’t my favorite guy in high school, but I don’t really have any feelings about Shane. If you want to like him, I’ll like him. If you want to hate him, I’ll hate him with you. Just, for the love of God, decide already. Even I’m beginning to suffer from emotional whiplash and I’m not even the focus of your attention! I can’t imagine what it must be like to be the mangled heart you’ve been beating into a bloody pulp.”
I huffed and shook my head. “It’s not like he hasn’t been doing the same thing to me. One minute he’s ready to strip me down, the next he’s yelling at me over Lord knows what.”
“Again, he’s only got Brad’s intel to go by. Gotta give him your side. I mean, seriously. That schmuck just tried to attack and rob you. Stole his truck and disappeared.” Sarcastically, she added, “I think you might be able to sway him in your favor now.”
My gaze focused in on the silent phone again and I quietly asked, “What if he doesn’t want me anymore?”
“You told him to f**k off and leave you alone, and he’s actually doing it. That right there tells me he wants you. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about what you wanted. He’d be hounding you until he got what he wanted.”
“Wouldn’t really be fair to him though, right?”
“What?” she asked, curiously looking my way.
“To take us on. He’s about to start law school somewhere. I don’t even know where. Having us in his life would just be a distraction.”
“Don’t you think he should get to decide that for himself?”
“I just don’t want to hold him back or mess up his life the way I’ve done with mine.”
“Hey,” she said strongly, reaching out to cover my hand, “don’t even. So you got pregnant earlier than you ever planned on. You’ve worked your ass off to support yourself and that little cutie. And be honest right now. Could you seriously picture a life without Jake at this moment?”
My laugh got caught in my throat, and a smile shot out of nowhere. “No.”
“You didn’t mess up your life, Melanie. You just had to take a different path. Sure it was harder, but you can’t seriously make me believe you’d go back and do it any differently.”
I roughly squeezed my face with my hands, sighing deeply. She was right. As much as I wished Shane and I had gotten together years ago, I never would’ve had Jake if we had. And that was just something I could never give up. He was the one right in an epic string of wrongs.
“You’re right. I know you are. It’s just hard to let someone in. I mean, this has been my life. My kid. My burden to carry. I don’t know how to share that responsibility, even with someone who might be willing to take it on.”
After a moment of silence, her foot playfully kicked my thigh. “Hey. Your mom and dad would be real proud of you, girlie.”
Tears began to well around my eyes, threatening to flow. I missed them so freakin’ much. “Don’t. You’re going to make me cry.”
“Good!” she burst loudly. “Maybe some good cryin’ will lighten your mood and soften that stubborn heart of yours.”
“It’s not my heart that’s stubborn, it’s my head.”
“Well, tell the damn thing to shove it already. I mean, what? Are you supposed to live the life of a nun just because you had a kid? I don’t think so!”
I formed a teepee over my nose and mouth and exhaled loudly, the warm air heating my fingers, sending a shiver down my spine. I needed to just sit down and think. About everything. About me and Jake. About Shane. God, even Brad.
No. Fuck Brad. I used to worry about him and that mental instability of his, but that f**ker who jumped me a few nights ago, that wasn’t Brad anymore. He was colder. Darker. So worried about how he was going to obtain that next high he no longer cared how he went about it. I was done wasting my sympathy on him.
But Shane. Shane I seriously wanted to think about.
18
“Hey, man,” I said, making a show of putting his extra house key on the table. “I appreciate you letting me stay here.”
“So you leaving?” Matt asked, following me to the guest room to watch me gather my things.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “Think it’s time. Thanks to Brad I’m going to have to get a job just to buy a new truck before fall semester.”
“Dude, I don’t even know where to start with that. That guy’s a f**king punk. Stealing another man’s wheels. I don’t know what the hell he was thinking.”
“That’s the problem. I’m not sure he is thinking clearly these days. And stealing my truck is one thing, but going after Mel like that? That pisses me off.”
“Sorry, man. But that just isn't Brad anymore. Whoever it is, he doesn't seem interested in being the guy we grew up with."
"Yeah," I muttered reluctantly.
"She talking to you yet?”
“I don’t know. She asked me to leave her alone so I haven’t bothered to try. I’m hoping she’ll call though. At least to tell me she’s okay.”
“So you’re just going to leave without finding out? Your best friend just obliterated your friendship. There’s no reason for you and Melanie to feel guilty for getting together now.”
“That wasn’t what was holding me back. It did in high school, but not now. I’ve been more put off by all the secrets and lies. Just when I think I’ve learned everything there is to know, something pops up and rears its ugly head.”
I stuffed the last of my crap into my bag and zipped it shut.
“Dude, can I be blunt?”
I chuckled as I lifted my duffle off the bed and shouldered it. “Since when do you ask?”
“You were a f**king pu**y in high school and didn’t ask her out. So what happened? You lost her. You leave town right now without talking to her, with your tail between your legs, you’re going to lose her all over again. You going to be able to get over her a second time? Because I don’t think you ever got over her the first time, man.”
Damn Matt for putting the thought of losing her into my mind. It was like he knew exactly what to say to haunt me for the rest of my life. I’d been sitting in my rental for ten minutes now, my chair leaned slightly back until I figured out where the hell I was headed.
Home or Mel’s.
Shit, I didn’t even know where she lived, and when Matt and I went to Sully’s last night, he told us he gave Mel some time off to recuperate. Placating the thought of going to see her, I looked her up through the white pages but she was unlisted. Couldn’t blame her really. She always knew there was a chance Brad could come back into town looking for that money, so of course she made sure she was more difficult to find. The prick found her anyway though. Why the hell did she ever stay in this town? Why didn’t she leave, especially once she got the money?
If I was going to see her one last time before I left, I knew there was only one way I was going to get her address.
I pulled in front of a one story home with 914 written on the aged metal mailbox. I recognized the black Jeep in the driveway and I cringed a little inside. As much as I didn’t want Karen around for this, at least I knew I had the right house.
I parked the car and made my way to the front door, rapping several times. My damn insides were f**king skipping circles. Why the hell did this girl always make me so freaking nervous?
Fuck. Of course Karen would be the one to answer the door. But oddly enough, she didn’t look ready to pop me again. But that didn’t keep me from retreating an extra foot regardless of the screen door between us. I dug my hands into my jean pockets and asked, “This is Mel’s place, right?”
She nodded and extended one arm across the doorway to block it, saying, “Yup.”
After a few seconds of nothing, I asked, “Is she here?”
“Depends,” she said, cocking her eyebrows once. “Are you here to continue beating the emotional crap out of her or to admit you’ve been a real douchebag these past two weeks?”
I withheld the death glare, but I was unable to contain the annoyed grumble in my throat. Coming here against Mel’s wishes was hard enough without the Karen brigade blocking the entrance.
“Do I look like I’m ready to fight?” I asked calmly. If anything, I looked utterly exhausted and emotionally drained – exactly how I felt.