“Luce,” he finally says, sounding as dazed as he looks. “Are you serious?”
The tone of his voice stops the giggles. “Um.” I stand up straight. Look him right in the eye. “Yes?”
He frowns. “You said it like a question. I think you’d know for sure if you were a virgin or not.”
Ugh. He tosses the word out so casually, like it’s no big deal when it’s a tremendous deal. A crazy, unbelievable thing because my God, I’m twenty-one years old. I shouldn’t be a virgin. I’m a grown woman. An adult.
A grown, adult woman who’s never had sex.
“I’m definitely a virgin,” I say with a wince. I hate saying that word. There’s so much behind it. A stigma, a brand, a label.
The way Gabe’s backing away from me, his hands raised in front of him as if in surrender, I know it’s a done deal. As in, he’s done.
With me.
The pain that radiates from within is nothing short of breathtaking, and not in a good way.
“I, uh.” He stumbles over his own feet and I almost will him to fall on his ass. I’m evil. Seriously. “Yeah. I don’t know if I can deal with that, Lucy.”
He even used the word deal, like he can read my mind. I sigh wearily. “Deal with what?”
“Deal with your—virgin status. I know, I sound like an asshole but bear with me. I mean, you’ve been holding out for a long time, right?” He comes to a stop, staring at me with wide eyes. Poor guy looks stunned, not that I feel sorry for him. “That means you value it, value your body and that’s cool. I get it. Well, I don’t know what that’s like but I think I understand. You probably want to fall in love with a nice guy and give it up to him then, am I right?”
I don’t answer him because he speaks the truth. That was always the plan. Well, that and my overwhelming fear of allowing a boy to use my body for sex, only for him to leave me in the dust after he impregnated me.
Yes, Mama’s past left a big impression on my choices.
“I’m not your nice guy,” he continues, his voice low as he tears his gaze away from mine. Like he’s embarrassed to make such an admission. At least he’s honest. “I’m not the sensitive man who’ll value your virginity and offer up my love in exchange for it. If I had my way, you’d be naked on that couch right now and I’d be buried deep inside you.”
Oh. Well. Nothing like brutal honesty to leave a delicious ache deep inside me. I’m literally throbbing between my legs at the image his words conjure up.
He runs his hand along his jaw as he contemplates me, his gaze hot. Heavy. I want to squirm where I stand but I remain rooted in place, lifting my chin to return his stare. I’m not going to be ashamed of my confession. Yes, I’m an anomaly. But it’s not like I’m a total freak. He’s just going to have to deal with it.
And if he deals with it by walking, then he wasn’t the guy for me after all.
“But I’m not going to fuck you and leave you,” he finishes, his voice harsh. Definitely not full of any promises either. The man is nothing short of honest. “That’s all this would’ve been between us. A fun, summer fling. That’s all I can offer.” He spreads his arms out, as if offering himself to me. “That’s all I’ve got.”
I say nothing. I don’t know how to respond. My breaths come in jerky little gasps and I realize…I’m excited. Aroused.
At the thought of what he’s offering. Of what he wants to do to me, how easily he says the word fuck, talking about how he wants to be inside of me. There’s no denying Gabe wants me. And I want him too. Despite my virginity and the promise I made to myself that I would get through school and graduate before I focus on my dating life.
He’s the first guy who’s ever made me feel this way. Like I’d throw caution to the wind and let him do whatever he wants to me and damn the consequences.
I’m not that girl. I’m cautious. Careful. I plot and plan and do what I’m supposed to. I don’t make waves and I don’t cause trouble. One look from Gabe and I want to cause all sorts of trouble.
But only with him.
“Who says we can’t have a summer fling?” I finally ask, causing his head to jerk, his gaze meeting mine once more.
“What do you mean?” He sounds wary.
“Well.” I take a step toward him. Then another. As if he has gravitational pull and I can’t resist him. “Do we have to have actual…intercourse?” Ugh that word. Sounds so formal but I can’t say fuck to Gabe. That’s so crude. “In order to fool around and have that summer fling?”
His eyes widen and I think I’ve shocked him, which is kind of fun. He didn’t expect me to say that. “What are you saying?”
“I think you know what I’m saying.” Okay, I can’t believe I just said that. Who am I? Seriously, what am I doing, offering to be this guy’s summer fling. “Just…no actual sex.” Yeah, I’ve turned into one of those types of girls. But why? What is it about this guy that does me in so quickly? He’s gorgeous. Funny. Nice. He seems in to me, which blows my mind.
Is that it? He likes me so I think I should jump the first attractive man who’s into me before I turn him off with all the virginity talk? Am I desperate?
Sort of.
Crap. I don’t like thinking I’m desperate.
“What? So you’ll do everything else but the actual deed?” He shakes his head, disbelief written all over his expressive face. He opens his mouth, like he’s about to say something but I cut him off, scared to hear what that might be.