“I was fucked up, Lacey, and I regret it every single day. You don’t need to remind me.”
“She’s still hurt,” she said, moving her hair out of her face. His heart cracked a bit, so he snuggled into Mena Jane for a little extra support.
“I know, but that also gives me hope. A little push that she still thinks of me.”
“But it doesn’t mean she won’t try to kill you.”
“She won’t,” he said with a grin. “She loved me at one time.”
“I think she still does,” she admitted and Jordie nodded, his heart pumping faster in his chest.
“That’s all well and good, and I pray to Jesus you’re right, Lacey, but that’s an issue I need to fix. Because only I can do it,” he said simply. “But enough about me. When was the last time you showered?”
She made a face. “Why?”
“Because you stink, and you have baby shit on your shirt along with something crusty and white in your hair. Since Karson isn’t home, I’m gonna guess it’s not what it should be, so you need a shower.”
He said it to make her laugh, but she wasn’t laughing. Instead, her lips pressed together as her eyes started to fill with tears and he shook his head. “What the hell is going on, Lacey? I’ve never seen you like this.”
She looked away sheepishly as he turned to look at the disaster that was her living room. Tissues were everywhere, dirty diapers, little circle pads, bottles of soda, and clothes littered the floor.
“You’re drinking Coke now?”
She was a clean eater, something she believed in since having breast cancer. She always told him, “You’ve got one body. Keep it healthy.” Apparently, she wasn’t living by that anymore.
She shrugged. “I guess. It keeps me awake.”
“Lacey, what’s going on?”
She looked up at him, tears rolling down her cheeks, and her little lip wobbled. His heart broke for her. He didn’t understand what she was feeling. Hell, no one probably did. This girl was fighting an internal battle that only people in the same boat with her would understand. It killed him, but he had to help.
“I’m scared twenty-four seven, Jordie. I know Karson is freaking out and trying to think of ways to help me, but all I can think is that she’s gonna die. My sweet little Mena Jane will be taken from me, and I can’t handle it. It’s like I have this weight on my chest and I’m struggling to breathe, to get out from underneath it to save her. I don’t know what to do. I won’t leave her and I won’t take her anywhere because I’m so scared. I just don’t know what to do. People call all the time to come and visit, and I make up excuse after excuse. Half the time I don’t even answer the phone. I’m a train wreck, and I don’t know how to make it better.”
She started to sob and Jordie couldn’t take it. As much as he wanted to just hold Mena Jane, he knew that he needed to hold Lacey. Laying Mena Jane in the bassinet by the couch, he turned, taking Lacey in his arms, hugging her in close to his chest and almost squeezing her too hard. Snuggling her nose into his chest, she let out a sob that rattled his soul.
He hated when women cried; it always made him feel an inch tall. It used to kill him to watch him mom cry over all her failed marriages. It would make him so mad because he would want to rattle her, scream at her that she didn’t need anyone, that he was enough, but he never did. He just comforted her. Why he did, he still didn’t understand. She never loved him enough to just be good with only having him, but this was different. Lacey loved Jordie for Jordie. Maybe because she had to, but she did and that was enough to make him want to do anything to help her.
Kissing the top of her head, he fought back his own tears as she just sighed again, her eyes fluttering shut. She was exhausted. “When was the last time you slept the whole night?”
She shook her head under his lips. “I don’t even remember. I can’t sleep. I’m always worried something will happen.”
“Didn’t they prescribe you something for that?”
“They did,” she said with a nod. “But I’m so worried that I won’t wake up to tend to her and Karson is such a heavy sleeper. And I don’t want to depend on Kacey to care for her.”
“Okay, well, I’m here now,” he said, pulling her back by her shoulders so she could look up at him. “You depend on me. You’ve gone above and beyond to help me. Now let me help you. Take the meds tonight. Sleep, Lacey, you need it. Me and Mena will chill in the living room. I’ll sleep on the couch. Then tomorrow, I want you to take your anti-anxiety meds.”
Her brows pulled together, and he hadn’t noticed how bloodshot her poor eyes were. “Why? I’m—”
“Don’t say fine. We both know that’s not true. You need them.”
“But—”
“No, give them a chance. You need them, and I know Karson hasn’t said that to you or even Kacey ’cause they are worried about your feelings and they love you. And I love you too, but I won’t sugarcoat shit. You’re tiptoeing on the line between batshit crazy and sane. We both know you need them.”
Her lip wobbled a bit more, and then she nodded and sounded oh so defeated as she whispered, “I do.”
“You do.”
“I just feel so weak taking them. I should be strong for her.”
“But you can’t be. They can help you; everyone else can help you. Just take the help, Lacey.”