Move on. It’s just a chapter in the past. Don’t close the book. Just turn the page.
Well, didn’t that just apply to this moment in her life right now?
Audrey rolled her eyes, hating that she thought it was a good idea to get inspirational quotes for her house. As she headed for the kitchen, she tried to ignore the fact that all of Levi’s shoes were gone but it was hard. If his things were there she would have already started bitching about the shoes that took up all the spare spaces in her living room. Or the way all his magazines cluttered her table, and the way he couldn’t put a glass in the sink if his life depended on it.
Audrey opened the fridge taking out a can of beer and a big Kit Kat bar before heading up the stairs. She had to find something to distract herself and since Lucas was slow to finish the closet he was building for her, it seemed to be the perfect distraction. Beating the hell out of boards with a hammer, imagining that each nail was Levi’s head was a perfect way to distract herself.
At least she thought so.
She laid her beer and chocolate down and picked up a hammer. Lucas had worked hard knocking out the wall between Aiden and Fallon’s old rooms. Yes, it was a little ostentatious of her to want a humongous closet, but it made her feel good about herself. Plus, it wasn’t like she would ever have a family to fill the condo, so why not fill it with shoes? Lucas had done a lot already, the shelves for her shoes were almost done, but there was still a lot to do.
Audrey shimmied out of her skirt and threw it against the wall, standing only in her panties. She really needed to take a shower, but banging the crap out of a board seemed like a fantastic idea to her. She went over to the far wall, and picked up a board. She didn’t know what she was doing but she didn’t care. She slammed the hammer against the board, nailing 18 different nails into the wall before she crumbled to the floor and promptly started crying.
Audrey couldn’t believe Levi was gone. How could he leave her? She did everything! She loved him with everything inside her. Gave him anything he wanted. Made sure, he was fully loved. Took the crap he dished out, and also the pain during sex. So he liked to choke her when they did it. Everyone had their quirks, she just hoped one day she too would like it, even though it really didn’t seem like she would.
But that wasn’t the only reason she was crying. How could she sleep with a man she didn’t know!? Why did she miss this nameless man! Why could she still feel his lips along her spine, and collar bone? Why did she feel so good after last night, and not in pain? He was a big dude, huge even, and Audrey swore nothing hurt. Everything ached, but in a good way. She wanted him again, and that alone was bad, very bad.
What the hell was wrong with her!? Why the hell did Fallon have to be getting married? Didn’t she understand that Audrey needed her? That Audrey would never be able to have her Happily Ever After? It wasn’t fair! Audrey loved with everything inside of her, and she kept getting shit on. When she made a mistake, she found herself thinking it to death before she was able to let it go. Not only was she going to be torturing herself, trying to figure out why Levi really thought this other girl was better, but she would also try to figure out why she thought it was a good idea to sleep with Blondie. Again, no telling what she could have caught from him.
Damn it. That was two calls she needed to make, all because she was dumb and went home with a man she didn’t know. Blah.
Where the hell was that damn violin!?
Audrey wrapped her arms around her legs, and leaned her head on her knees, letting the tears roll down her legs. She hated feeling like this. She wanted to be happy. She was damn near 30. Shouldn’t she have her shit together by now? Audrey shook her head, wiping her cheeks with the palm of her hand before inhaling a deep breath. She looked up at her shelves, and couldn’t bring herself to be excited about how fantastic her shoes would look on them. She would much rather have a nursery, with a sweet baby in it. But that was an untouchable dream, something she would never be blessed with. At least not the way she wanted it to happen.
When Audrey heard the sounds of a piano, she let out a thankful sigh. She stood up quickly, getting her beer and chocolate before leaning up against the wall that she shared with her neighbor. It would always get on Levi’s nerves when her neighbor played his piano, but it was honestly the highlight of Audrey’s day. And right now, it couldn’t have been a more welcomed sound. As she listened to her neighbor’s skillful hands move along the keys, playing the most beautiful song ever, A Drop in the Ocean, by Ron Pope, Audrey found herself singing along, instead of thinking of things she couldn’t change. She needed this escape, especially after the night and morning she had had.
All of a sudden she started crying again, she couldn’t help it. She was completely alone and probably would always be. No man would want someone who couldn’t have children. It had been almost 10 years since she was told she couldn’t carry her own child and she couldn’t understand why she was still broken apart about it? Why couldn’t she get over it and just live her life? There were men out there who wouldn’t mind adopting or being with just her, but damn it, it had been 10 years and she hadn’t found him.
Men wanted their own children, and when she would find one who didn’t care, she learned later that it was because they never really planned to stay with her. She was just the nice one, the one who would be there when they needed her. Buy them things when they needed them. Be the easy lay. She was so desperate to be in love that she did just about anything to get there.