“That’s one way to look at it,” I say with a smile on my face.
And then… awkward silence, because I’ve actually forgotten how to make small talk with my mother. At this point, I suppose I could ask her how she’s doing. I could even extend a feeler out to ask how Dad is doing, not that I really care all that much. But honestly… it feels deceptive, so I just decide to go for it.
“Listen… I’ve decided to move back to New York, and I want to know if there’s any pull Dad might have with one of the hospitals that could get me in the door. I don’t care which borough.”
“Oh my God,” my mother breathes into the phone, pure joy in her voice. “That’s wonderful. I’m so happy you’re coming back home. Wait a minute… let me put your father on the phone, and he can—”
“No,” I say quickly. “No, I don’t want to talk to him. If you could just pass it along to him and ask if he can check around.”
“But Holly,” she says admonishingly, “he’s your father. He’ll be thrilled, and this could be a step toward repairing your relationship with him.”
“I don’t want to repair my relationship with him,” I say sternly. “He ruined it by what he did.”
“Honey… that was so long ago,” she chides.
“And yet, it still affects me,” I tell her. “What he did was wrong on so many levels, and never once has he ever apologized. And you know why, Mom? Because he’s not sorry. Because he’s a mean-spirited bully and bigot, and that is not the man I used to look up to.”
My mom actually gasps into the phone, but I work up a full head of steam. “He ruined it, Mom. This is on him, not me. He’s not the type of man I want in my life, and when I get married and have kids one day, he’s not the type of man I want my children looking up to.”
“Holly,” my mom growls into the phone. “That’s enough.”
I take a deep breath and let it out, my anger spent quickly. I pull myself together… attempt to be mature. In a gentler voice, I say, “I’m sorry. Not for the things I said, but that it upsets you. I didn’t mean to do that. But that’s the way I feel, and it won’t change.”
My mom is silent for a moment, and then she says softly, “You might find… if you just gave him a chance… that your father has done some changing. Maybe he has regrets over what happened.”
I scoff. “I’ve not seen that.”
“Because you never give him a chance. You won’t talk to him.”
Guilt courses through me, for the first time since I cut ties. I have always been so adamantly proud of the stance I’ve taken, but is it possible… just possible… that I’ve erected such a barrier around me that I’ve left no room for an opening by which my father could talk to me about this?
The thought makes me a little sick to my stomach. Sick over the thought of actually discussing such an unpleasant subject with him, and sick over the fact that maybe I’ve denied him an opportunity to be forgiven.
Shaking my head, I buck up my resolve and say, “Look… Mom. Just forget that I called. Don’t ask Dad to step in and ask around for me. I’ll figure something out on my own. I need to go.”
“Holly… no, wait. He’d be glad to do it. Forget the other things I’ve said. Let him do this for you—”
“I’m sorry,” I cut in on her. “I really need to go. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I can hear the fading voice of my mom calling my name again as I pull the phone away from my ear and disconnect the call.
For some reason, tears well up in my eyes. Maybe it’s because I’m now thinking about a future with Tim, and with that comes thoughts of a family, and what family really means.
All of my bitter feelings over the years have been rooted in anger toward my father, over what he did to Tim and me. But now, for the first time, I’m feeling melancholy over the fact that I not only lost Tim, but I really also lost my family as well.
Chapter 11
Tim
Fuck, I’m exhausted. We just got back from a 2nd Alarm Assignment in a high-rise necessitating five engine companies, two ladder companies, two battalion chiefs, a rescue battalion chief, a safety battalion chief, and tactical support units.
In other words, it was a major fucking mess.
The good news is that we got the fire contained pretty quickly, although it took the better part of half a day to get all the hot spots fully extinguished. The bad news is that I am so tired as I enter the last day of my three-day shift that I can’t even muster up the strength to call Holly to check in.
Instead, I pull out my phone and send her a quick text. Just got back from major fire. Going to get shower and some shut eye. Will call later.
I set my phone on my rack while I sit down to take my boots off. She usually responds back pretty quickly when she’s not working, and I know she’s off today. We had briefly talked yesterday afternoon when she got a small break at work. The conversation hadn’t gone the way I wanted it to, mainly because I was sitting in the break room of the station house surrounded by four other guys that were watching a baseball game on TV. What I really wanted to do was tell her how much I missed her.
Her smile.
Her laugh.
Her green eyes.
Fucking that gorgeous body.
But that’s so not appropriate in a room full of firemen.
Instead, I let her update me on her job hunt, which had proven to be futile so far. This had been the subject of many of our conversations, and Holly was getting more dejected by the lack of prospects with every phone call we had together. I tried to buck up her spirits, but that was hard because I was fucking dejected right along with her.