I’m just steps away from the front porch, holding my arm up to ward off the heat. I can’t even fathom how I’m going to get inside with the fire pouring out the front door, but that doesn’t slow my progress.
Almost there... three feet from the first porch step and then... I’m tackled from the side.
My body slams into the ground and the air is knocked completely out of me. I try to take in a breath, but my lungs aren’t working. Fuck it... I don’t need them to get to Marney. I start struggling with the lead weight that is on top of me, vaguely noticing that it appears to be a fireman.
Pushing hard against him, I try to get my legs up so I can kick him off me. I make another attempt to breathe but my lungs still aren’t cooperating.
Pulling on the last vestiges of air I have left in me, I rasp, “Get the f**k off.”
“All right, kid... calm down,” I hear and then the weight is gone.
I suck in a huge lungful of oxygen. Replenished, I spring to my feet and start to make a dash for the porch but arms of f**king steel wrap around my waist, slinging me away from the house. I stumble for a few feet and then right myself.
Spinning around, the fireman is standing between Marney’s house and me with his arms held out in front of him. “You can’t go in there, kid.”
“The f**k I can’t,” I scream at him. “My girlfriend is in there.”
“I’m sorry...” he starts to say but I don’t have time for this shit.
Lunging for the house, I try to juke around the fireman but my skills must be rusty. He easily catches me again, wrapping me in a bear hug that I cannot break free from.
My body strains toward the house, the blazing heat causing rivulets of sweat to pour from my face.
“Marney,” I scream. My eyes frantically search the windows, hoping to see her somehow through the angry flames and billowing smoke.
I try to lunge toward the house, time and time again, but the firefighter isn’t letting me go. I scream Marney’s name, over and over, until my throat feels like it’s riddled with glass shards.
“She’s gone, kid. No one made it out.”
The minute his words penetrate my brain, my body goes still. I can feel his hold start to marginally relax but he doesn’t let go just yet.
“Gone?” I whisper.
“Yes. The house was fully involved by the time we got here. There was no way to get anyone out.”
The fireman’s arms fall away from my body and he takes a small step back. His body is still tense though and he’s just waiting for me to spring into action again.
My eyes flick to the inferno and then back to him. “Are you sure?”
The pleading tone in my voice causes him to wince but he nods his head.
My knees finally give out, and I sag to the ground. Bowing my head, I clutch desperately at the grass in Marney’s front yard.
No, no, no, no, no.
This isn’t happening.
Marney isn’t in there. There’s no way she died that way. The thought of Marney’s burning body causes bile to rise up in my throat.
I look up to the fireman, who is still standing there. The raging fire behind him causes his body to be nothing more than a dark silhouette... a man without a face.
“Are you okay, kid?”
Shaking my head, I whisper, “I can’t bear to think of the pain she was in...”
The faceless man kneels down in front of me and lays a hand on my shoulder. He squeezes it gently. “She was probably long gone from smoke inhalation before the fire reached her. Okay? She probably didn’t feel a thing.”
I know his words are meant to comfort me but the balmy effect falls flat. My eyes fill with tears and I look back down to the ground.
There’s no reason she should have died that way.
The firemen should have tried to push their way in.
They should have sent five trucks instead of four.
They should have gotten here faster.
I should have gotten here faster.
I should have arranged for an earlier time to meet. If I had, Marney would have been out of the house, safe in my arms.
I could have saved her and I didn’t.
The hard reality of my failure sets in, and the tears start spilling from my eyes. It’s the first time I’ve cried since I was a little kid. I let them flow, not giving a shit what the fireman thinks, or what anyone thinks for that matter. I watch as my tears fall from my face and hit the green blades of spring grass before me.
“Flynn!”
I turn and see my mom and dad running for me. The fireman stands up and walks away, and then I’m in my parents’ arms.
“I’m so sorry, baby,” my mom murmurs as she strokes the tears from my face. Fresh ones replace them and I can see through the wavering haze that my mom is crying, too.
My dad’s arms engulf both of us and I rest my chin on my mom’s head.
I gaze over my dad’s shoulder and watch my Marney burn away.
1
“Goddamn it, Caldwell. Get your ass in my office. Now!”
I wince over hearing the Battalion Chief calling from the back of the station house. His voice is booming, echoing from deep inside that barrel chest of his. Studying the cards in my hand... pair of deuces, Ace high... it’s best I fold anyway.
Tossing the cards facedown on the table, I stand up. “I’m out.”
My buddies, my co-workers, my compatriots... they all keep their eyes pinned to their cards so they don’t have to offer me a sympathetic look. They’ve heard me called into the Chief’s office on more than one occasion and I know they feel for me.