I should cut you loose, slip off the noose
But with you, it’s a lot of should and would
And I’d sure as hell quit if I thought I could
Goddamn it. I can’t get away from her, not even in my head. And even though I know it’s wrong, that I’m going to regret letting myself think about the music later, I don’t try to shut it off. Because I might not have had her back in that apartment, but in the music, I don’t have to share her with anyone else.
“Wilder!”
Her voice carries from up above me, clear and almost crooning. I don’t stop, continuing my way down the stairs until they give way to the sidewalk, and I can march out into the parking lot where it finally feels like I have a bit of distance.
I can hear her booted feet tapping against the stairs as she follows, and I swear to God, they almost match the rhythm I’d envisioned for the song. That’s when I know I’m either a lot drunker than I thought or going crazy.
“Wilder, hold on.”
I slump against the bumper of my SUV, and blow out a breath. The temperature has dipped since I went inside, and my breath frosts in front of my face.
“Hey.” I don’t look, but I can tell from the sound that she’s down to the parking lot now, heading my way. “Sorry about that. I told Jack that we could talk about a project he’s working on, and I didn’t want to leave before we got to chat.”
“You get that I’m kind of in a hurry, right?” There’s an uneasiness in my gut from snapping at her, but I’m too riled up to pull myself back. “No one asked you to drive me home. If you want to stay and talk to Jack, go ahead. I said I can get a cab.”
She frowns, and wraps her arms around her middle to fend off the cold. Or to fend off me, maybe.
“I don’t want to stay and talk to Jack.”
And here we go ahead. The Kalli merry-go-round.
“Fan-fucking-tastic. Let’s go then.”
Her eyebrows draw into a troubled line, and damn it, why can’t I stop noticing this shit? I don’t want to analyze every expression she makes or the silences between her words or what it means that she starts toward me, but then stops. I want to be as indifferent as she is.
She points a key to my right and says, “My car is this way.”
I shove my fists into my pockets, and follow her. She stops at a small, dark sedan. It’s nice, but not too nice either. A recent model, but nothing too expensive. It’s carefully inconspicuous, and wouldn’t stand out on campus or downtown or even in this rougher part of town. That reminds me of my earlier worries, and before I can remember that I’m angry, I ask, “How often do you come here to Lennox’s?”
She shrugs. “I told you that I haven’t known her long. So just a few times. Mostly, I meet her at the store when she’s not busy or at the studio they have on campus for people in her department.”
“Good. You shouldn’t be in this neighborhood alone.”
“You know, I’m not as vulnerable as you think I am.”
“Well, if your alcohol tolerance is any indication, maybe you’re right. How often do you drink to get to that point?”
“Now you’re mad at me for drinking?”
No. Yes. Damn it.
She continues, “I’m not some naïve sorority girl. I’ve been through a lot on my own, and I’ve come out just fine.”
“Yeah, I can tell how much you like being on your own.”
I’m being a dick, and I hate myself for it, but I just can’t shut my mouth off.
She tugs her car door open a little forcefully and climbs in without another word. I hesitate, wondering if this is a bad idea after all. But Mom is waiting, so I pull open my door and slide in, too.
I tell her where to go, but other than that the cab is quiet and stiff as she heads back to the highway. I tell her to head north and what exit to watch for, and then we settle into silence.
She’s tapping her finger on the steering wheel, and again, it’s almost the right beat. I don’t know whether I want to yell at her to stop or show her how to beat out the actual rhythm. I lean my head back against the seat, and try to just shut everything out.
And almost like she knows it, she wedges open the door that I’m trying to close. “I’m sorry I stopped to talk to Jack. It didn’t mean anything. I can’t explain it, but it was important that I … talk to him. But I’m here now. Here with you.”
With my eyes still closed, I mutter, “For now anyway.”
PART THREE
“Love is composed of single soul inhabiting two bodies.”
Aristotle
Chapter Fifteen
Kalli
His anger shouldn’t sting so much. In fact, I should embrace it. Angry Wilder is much better than charming Wilder or sexy Wilder or sweet Wilder. Because all of those versions of him are incredibly hard to resist.
And I’m supposed to resist him, right? I have to.
Except that I’d gone to talk to Jack about his new project so that I could push a little inspiration into him to take the edge off in case something happened with Wilder. In case my impulsive decision to give him a ride home turned into something else impulsive. Though I doubt I can still call it that when I’ve planned ahead.
That now appears to be a non-issue. He’s furious. And I don’t blame him. I know I’m not being fair. Fair would have been me sticking to my original plan and never seeing him again after that night at his place. Or better yet, never going home with him in the first place. But then he’d shown up at the store, and then again tonight, and a little voice whispered in the back of my mind, “Why not?”