“Which one of you idiots threw that rock?” Officer Asshole boomed from a few paces away. He looked from me to Rusty, then back to me. I narrowed my eyes at him and got ready to tell him where to shove it. What did it matter now anyway?
And then Rusty laughed—a bitter laugh that sounded like trouble. I looked over as he put his hands in his pocket and stepped casually toward the officers. “I did, you jackass.” He motioned up at the kiosk. “Screw your stupid sign.”
Oh, no.
They looked at me like they didn’t believe him, like they knew just as well as I did that he hadn’t thrown the rock. And I wanted to say so, I did, but I just stood there dumb and frozen and in shock.
“What?” Rusty said, keeping his hands in his pockets. “You need an instant replay to do your job?” He turned his head to the side and spit. “Come on now, Officer Dick . . .” He pretended to squint at his name tag. “What does that say?”
Oh god, Rusty, don’t.
“Okay, Tex.” Officer Dixon smiled. “Have it your way.” In less time than it took me to open my mouth and try to set things straight, he had Rusty turned around with his cheek shoved up against the Pala and his hands behind his back. “You’re under arrest for vandalism and destruction of state property.” He reached to his belt and pulled out a set of shiny handcuffs, snapped one neatly on each of Rusty’s wrists, and squeezed them tight.
This is not happening.
“Little tight there, officer,” Rusty said through gritted teeth.
Dixon yanked him off the car and smiled. “That’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.” He turned Rusty around and started to walk him over to the patrol car, but then he paused and yelled over his shoulder to Officer Chase. “You got her?”
How can this be happening?
“Yeah, I got it,” Chase said. He turned to me with a look that seemed like he felt bad. “Anything you need out of your car before we take it? Purse? Wallet? Phone?” I hadn’t even noticed the tow truck pull up. I could barely breathe, let alone talk.
This really cannot be happening.
The driver got out and nodded to Officer Chase, who nodded back. Given the okay, he hopped up on the flat metal bed of his truck, unrolled a chain from somewhere, and walked it down to the Pala. To Finn’s car—the only thing I had left here and the last I had of him. I watched, horrified into silence, as he hooked it up.
What was there to say? That I was an awful, selfish person who’d been completely clueless about what other people were willing to do for me? That Rusty getting arrested, and Finn’s car getting taken away, and Finn joining the marines and dying were all things that happened because of me? Because everyone thought I needed to be taken care of?
Officer Chase must’ve thought so too, because before the tow truck driver turned on the winch to roll the car up onto the platform and take it away, he went and pulled my purse out. He handed it over like he pitied me, then gave me his card and the number of the impound yard. I took it numbly, without saying thank you, then walked away from him and sat on the curb, more pitiful than I’d ever been in my life.
The tow truck driver handed Officer Chase a clipboard to sign, and that was it. He got back in his truck and took Finn’s car away from me. Officer Chase glanced at me one last time, then he turned and walked over to the car, where his partner waited with Rusty handcuffed in the back of it. Because of me.
I couldn’t even look at him as they drove by because I hated myself so much for not standing up for him like he had for me. The thing I hated most, though, was the question repeating itself over and over in my head, because it was a selfish one that just confirmed everything Rusty had said about me. What am I supposed to do now?
29
I saw Rusty’s face in my mind as they drove away. How angry he’d been with me in one second, angry enough to hurt me the same as I had him, but then how, in the very next instant, he’d come to my defense. Saved me. And now, as I sat there on the curb watching cars come and go through the parking lot, another truth smacked me hard. There was no one left to save me. I was utterly alone, and it was undeniably my fault.
I stood, thinking that walking might help me sort out how I’d gone from coming to see Kyra Kelley’s farewell concert, and telling her about Finn, to sitting here alone in California, with his letter in my purse, Rusty in jail, and the Pala taken away. It was a crazy, tangled mess, but that didn’t surprise me, because honestly, I was too. How had I been so wrapped up in myself, I didn’t realize what was going on? How had Finn given up everything for me without me even knowing? Or giving me a choice? How had I just stood there and let Rusty take the blame and go to jail for me? How had I gotten here, to this place, where everything was wrong and it all came back to me?
I didn’t know how to begin facing those questions, or if I even wanted to, so I kept walking until I came to the highway, then pushed the button for the crosswalk. The green man flashed on the light, and I crossed the highway to the ocean side and found a path that rolled and wound along the bluff above the water. It seemed as good as any, considering my current situation, so I set foot down it, hoping it would lead to the sand and the water, where I’d found a little bit of peace before things went so wrong in so many ways.
As soon as I stepped onto the path, two nearly identical blond ladies blew by me from the opposite direction, talking and laughing and speed-walking two paces too fast for their little dogs, who trailed behind. The sight of them, two girlfriends chatting together, made me think of Lilah and what she would say about this whole thing. She was off at orientation, with no idea I’d gotten in Finn’s car and driven all the way out here. With Rusty.