A flash of disappointment crossed his face, but he offered a quick smile, hiding it well.
The mess shouldn’t matter, of course. And it didn’t matter. My room was clean, after all.
The truth was I was too distracted to invite Ben in. He deserved my complete attention, and right now, my body and head were too restless. Too roused. I couldn’t take him home tonight.
He held my gaze, studying my face with an air of calmness. I knew he knew the real reason behind my excuse, but he didn’t say anything. He nodded, accepting what I couldn’t put into words.
Ben was a good guy. And a smart one. He told me I was pretty, and he supported my choices. Looking into his blue eyes, I almost wanted to get lost. To find out what it would feel like to have his warm skin against mine. To see if he could make me feel as good as . . .
I cleared my throat, pushing the idea out of my head.
I’d be using Ben to make myself feel better—to feel anything—and we both deserved more. So that’s why we needed to wait for a better time.
He stepped up, lowering his lips to mine for a chaste kiss. He tasted like cinnamon this time, and I slowly breathed in his cologne. Backing down, he smiled gently before turning away to leave.
But I stopped him.
I grabbed his upper arm and pulled him back in, dipping my head and diving into his lips as his body jerked in surprise. I teased his tongue with my own and cocked my head to the side, going deeper and enjoying his hitched breath. Ben’s hand circled the back of my neck, and my cheeks warmed with his closeness.
This was how it was. Enjoyable. Comfortable. He was a good kisser.
But nothing happened unless I pressed it. When he actually tried to get to second base, he’d asked me if it was okay. I felt bad for feeling disappointed. He was only being polite, after all. But it was like he didn’t know what he wanted and was perfectly happy following my direction. He’d wait for my say-so, and I wasn’t sure if that would ever turn me on.
It’s not that I wanted to be controlled. I just wanted to be carried away.
He backed up, smiling a little bigger before finally turning to go to his car.
Unlocking my front door, I stepped into my house, immediately hearing little claws tap, tap, tap on the hardwood floors.
I glanced up, smiling as Madman raced down the hall from the kitchen and shot up, supporting himself against my shins. He must’ve escaped the confines of Jax’s backyard and found his way through our doggy door. Jax and Juliet had been watching him while I was staying at Madoc’s. I could’ve taken him with me, but I had been so busy this week, he got more attention with Jax and Juliet.
He was just a little guy—a stray dog—Jared and I had found ten years ago, and although he’d lived with Jared for most of that time, I was happy he’d been mine the past couple of years.
The little dude never failed to make me laugh. Even now, as old as he was getting, his energy hadn’t wavered.
I reached down, petting the top of his head and knowing exactly what the little hellion wanted. Food, water, and a belly rub—all at the same time.
I made my way to the kitchen, walking past the mess the painters had made in the dining room this week. White sheets draped over furniture and on the hardwood floors, and I inhaled the familiar scent of paint.
Of new beginnings and a fresh start.
I refreshed Madman’s food and water in the kitchen and took in deep breaths, closing my eyes as I walked back through the foyer, savoring the old memories.
Mom painted rooms a lot when I was growing up. She liked change, so the smell of the chemicals actually comforted me. It was home.
And I hated that I was losing it. My father had turned down two good offers, and while I wasn’t sure why, I didn’t complain.
I understood that selling the house was for the best. Although I would miss being close to my friends, and I couldn’t even think about anyone else living here, I knew I needed to get away from Jared. Away from the memories, away from his old room sitting across from mine, away from a future full of him showing up back in town without warning whenever he felt like it.
So yes, change was necessary no matter how uncomfortable.
When I was little, I cried when my mom had made me donate some of my toys before Christmas one year. She’d said I needed to make room for the new things Santa was bringing me, and even though I didn’t play with the old stuff, I almost felt like the toys were people. Who would they go to? Would they be taken care of and loved?
But my mom said that everything is hard the first time. The more you embrace change, though, the easier it gets. Which is why she repainted rooms every couple of years.
Change prepared us for loss, and she was right. It did get easier.
I had to embrace the possibility of a relationship with Ben or whoever else came along, and Jared could do whatever he liked. That’s the way things needed to be.
And no matter how uncomfortable it was to be around him, I knew Jared was most likely home to see his mother and be present for the birth of his sister. I didn’t want to ruin the visit for him.
I picked my phone out of my pocket and walked into my bathroom while typing out a text with shaky fingers.
I swallowed and sent the text to Jared.
Leave me alone, and I’ll do the same.
I squeezed the phone for about two seconds before setting it down on the sink and stripping off my clothes.
And to make damn sure I didn’t dwell on him or whether he would respond or what he would say when he did, I brushed out my hair, slipped on my thin white pajama shorts and fitted black Seether hoodie, and got into bed.