"I'm sorry, I didn't think."
I don't even need to explain what's got me startled, he just knows.
Leaning against the edge of his desk, he pulls me between his legs and hugs me. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart while I focus on slowing mine down to match the rhythm of his. I don't speak because I'm trying not to get myself worked up.
After a few moments, I look up and over Ryan's shoulder. His view is out the front of the building. I watch the mist collect on the glass and slowly trickle down.
"You okay?"
I nod my head and lean it back down on his chest, letting out a slow sigh.
"I hate seeing that dumpster." His arms tighten around me, and I find myself continuing to talk. "It's weird because I also love it in a messed up way. It's all I had to focus on."
"I'm so sorry."
"When I dream about that night, it's always taken away from me. There's nothing to distract me."
"I wish I knew his name," he says with spite.
Ryan has asked me once to tell him who the guy was, but I refused. I know he'd only kill him if given the chance. It doesn't matter anyway; what's done is done, and it can't be fixed.
When I look up at him, his jaw is tightly clenched. Sliding my hand along his jawbone, I lift up on my toes to reach his mouth and give him a soft kiss. I hate that he feels this way—helpless.
He pulls me closer to him, and I feel him relax under my hand.
"I'm glad you're here," he says when he breaks our kiss.
"It isn't anything like I'd thought."
"How's that?"
"I don't know...I didn't expect it to be so nice." I chuckle, realizing how rude that just sounded.
"Wow. Thanks, babe," he says, with mock annoyance.
I smile up at him. "No, that's not what I meant. I like it. I should have known it would be nice like this by the way your loft is."
"It's okay. Let me just sign these papers and we can go, all right?"
"Okay."
I watch him as he stands over his desk and finishes signing the orders. I'm relieved that I can be here and not be having a total freak out. Of course, we are here alone, which helps, but realizing that I can come here feels good. I don't fight the smile that starts to spread across my face. When Ryan sets his pen down and turns to look at me, he grins, and asks, "What?"
"I thought this would've been a lot harder."
"Thank you for doing this," he says as he runs his hands down my arms.
"Thanks for pushing me."
When we leave and get into his jeep, I know I just did something huge. I did it, and I was okay. I've been avoiding this place for months, and it feels slightly empowering that I don't feel that same level of fear. It isn't completely gone, but it's a big step for me.
Chapter thirty-three
"Why don't you come with me?"
"Because I just rehearsed for an hour on top of my two-hour studio. I've also been getting painful cramps in my calves.
"When did that start?"
"This week. I upped my calcium and have been using Tiger's Balm, but I don't really want to put anymore strain on my legs right now."
"Okay, well, I'll be back in a couple hours. I'm gonna run after I lift," he says as he's mixing his protein shake.
"I'm going to go pop by Jase's while you're gone since I won't see him much during the break."
He takes a gulp of his shake, sets it down on the kitchen counter, and brings me into his arms.
"Text me when you're on your way back, so I can be here waiting for you," he says in a sexy low voice as he grabs my ass and sets me on the countertop.
When he leans in to kiss me, I push against his chest. "Don't kiss me after drinking that crap."
"What?" he says as he chuckles.
"That stuff is nasty. I don't know how you can stand it."
Laughing at me, he ignores my words and plants a big kiss on my mouth. I try to turn my head to the side when he kisses me, but his hold is tight, and my outburst of giggles makes me too weak to push him off. He tastes like chocolate dirt.
"Ryan! Gross!"
He releases me, takes a few steps back, all the while laughing, and then picks up his cup and chugs the rest of his shake.
Wiping my mouth with the back of my hand, I jump off the counter and jab my finger in his ribs as I walk out of the kitchen.
He follows behind and locks up as we head out to our cars.
"See you later?" he asks as he opens my car door for me.
"Yeah, I'll text you when I leave."
"Love you, babe," he says before he leans in and nips me on my neck.
"Love you, too." I slide into my car, and he shuts the door before I start backing out of the driveway.
When I hit the elevator button in the lobby of Jase's apartment building, I'm caught off guard when the door slides open and Kimber is standing there. She looks equally shocked to see me.
Stepping out, she says, "Hey. Where have you been?"
When I called Ryan to stay with him, I only planned on a week or two, but it's been over a month since he came over to help me pack my bags.
"With Ryan."
"You living with him now?"
"Um, no...I mean, kinda." I shake my head and gather my thoughts. Being honest, I tell her, "I could tell you were upset after we talked, and I was upset too. So, I thought I would give us both a little space. I didn't intend on being gone this long."