Wrapping up in the blankets together, Ryan puts on one of his old black and white movies, and I can't help but smile in amusement when he does.
"What? You wanna watch something else?"
"No," I say and I settle my head on his chest, getting comfortable. "I love watching these with you."
"I thought you hated them. You're always making fun of me."
"I know, but secretly, I've always loved it."
Kissing the top of my head, he wraps his arms around me as we watch 'Out of the Past.'
About halfway through the movie, I remember that I need to run upstairs and take my sleeping pill. When I return to Ryan, I curl in beside him and he rolls over to face me.
"I need to run into work tomorrow and sign off on a few things Michael is redoing tonight."
"Okay."
"I was thinking you could come with me."
"Ryan..." The last time I went there I totally panicked. The last thing I want to do is go back just to be reminded of what happened.
"I know, but I hate that you can't come up there to see me. I mean...it's where I work, babe."
"I understand what you're trying to say, but I just...I can't."
"I know, I just think if you tried...we can go in the morning, before we open. You and me. We'll park in the front."
Letting out a deep breath, I close my eyes. I want to be able to go up there and see Ryan. I'd love to hang out with him and his friends and see where he works. And it bothers me that I've never seen Mark's band play. I'm just not sure if I'm ready to push myself that far yet. I know I can't avoid that place forever since Ryan owns that bar.
He cups my cheeks with his hands and whispers, "If you're not ready, I get it. It was just a thought."
I open my eyes and look up at him. "Ryan, it just takes me back farther than I want to go. There have been times I've wished that I would've just died that night."
He releases a hard breath and tucks my head under his chin as he holds me.
I know what he's trying to do, and a part of me loves that he pushes me and doesn't baby me. The fact that he thinks I'm strong enough to go there shows me that he views me in a way I want to truly be—strong. But another part of me is terrified to stir up those memories again. I love Ryan, and I know that he cares for me. I want to show him that I can push myself.
"Okay," I whisper softly.
"What, babe?"
Pulling my head up, I say, "Okay, I'll try," when he looks at me.
"Are you sure?"
"No, but I'll try."
Cradling my face in his hands, he says, "Do you have any idea how amazing you are?"
"Ryan, I'm not saying I will. I'm only saying I'll try."
"And that's all you need to do. The fact that you're even willing to is one of the reasons I love you so much. You're so unbelievably strong."
Before I can deny his words, he captures my mouth with his.
I'm a bundle of nerves as I drink my coffee and wait for Ryan to finish getting ready. I had agreed to make an effort to go with him to the bar this morning. The place doesn't open for a few hours, and he wants us to go when no one else is there.
When he comes downstairs, he takes my hand and reassures me that all I have to do is say the word and we'll come back home. But I don't want to be that person. Ryan sees me in such a strong way. I wear his necklace that he gave me that is engraved with the word 'fierce.' He chose that Shakespearean quote for a reason. If he believes that about me, then maybe I should try to believe that about myself as well.
My stomach is in knots as he drives, and I don't say a word. His hand is laced tightly with mine, and I turn cold when I see us approaching the building. He does as he promises and parks along the curb in front of the bar. I know there is no way I could handle being in the back lot with that dumpster.
I'm lost in my thoughts and don't even notice that he's gotten out of the car until I turn to see that my door is open and Ryan is standing there with his hand on my knee.
"Just try," he says as he takes my hand and helps me out of the car. I'm not familiar with the front of this building, so I don't find it terribly difficult to walk with him. I keep telling myself not to think about what is on the other side.
When we get to the door, he takes his keys, unlocks the door, and opens it for me. When I step inside, I am surprised that the place looks completely different than what I had envisioned. The interior is dark and masculine. There is a huge rich mahogany bar that runs the length of one of the walls with exposed brick and wooden shelves that hold a variety of liquors. On the opposite wall there is a fairly large platform stage. Sleek leather bar stools flank the high top tables that are scattered throughout the place.
I follow Ryan as he walks me down a small hallway that leads to stairs.
"My office is up here," he tells me before he takes me up.
Still holding my hand, we walk up the wooden stairs. When we reach the top he tells me he's going to get the papers from Michael's office. When we walk in, I instantly turn around and stumble into Ryan. Behind Michael's desk is a large window that looks over the back lot.
"Babe?"
"I want to go."
Reaching around me, he picks up a folder from the desk and walks me out, shutting the door behind us. We walk into the office across the hall, and he tosses the folder onto his desk. I'm shaking when he turns to me, running his hands up and down my arms.