When he strengthens his hold on me, I let it out on a whimper, "I was raped."
Releasing a heavy sigh, he lays his head on top of mine, and I continue to cry. I feel so weak and tired, like I'm drowning. I keep treading water, but I can never seem to get my head high enough out of the water to take in a full breath of air. I've been drowning since that night. There are times I feel like I can make it, but then I'm pulled right back under.
Ryan says nothing as we sit here on the floor. I feel guilty for the lies and mistruths I've told him to try and hide this. When my sobs soften into whimpers, I speak.
"I've been lying to you," I say quietly.
"I don't care. It doesn't matter."
"I feel horrible."
"Candace, don't do this. You have every right to lie."
But I need to tell him.
"I can't go to see you at work because..."
"Shhh..."
"Because it happened in your parking lot. By the dumpster. That's why I freaked out. I didn't know where I was until I saw the dumpster."
When I tell him this, I feel a breath thud in his chest. I loosen my hold and pull back. I break when I see the tears streaming down his cheeks. Looking into his eyes, as the tears begin to fall from mine again, I cry, "I'm so sorry."
"Don't ever f**kin' say that again. Don't ever be sorry for anything again."
"I'm just so far from what you thought."
"You're not."
"I am. Every day is a struggle. Everything. I'm scared every day." I drop my head for a moment, and when I look back up at him, I finally admit what I've been feeling for the past six months. Ever since that night, the night Jack left me broken and desperate. The night he took everything from me: my trust, my peace, my security, my faith—my light. He took it all and left me with nothing.
"I'm fading." I feel the heat of my tears as they linger down my cheeks. "He took all my light, and I've been fading ever since."
Cradling my face in his hands, he says, "You're not fading. I won't let you."
I nod my head, fold myself into his arms, and let him hold me.
"That's why Kimber is mad. I didn't go home after it happened. I stayed with Jase and never told her why. She knows I'm lying."
Ryan doesn't say anything. He simply lets me talk and get it all out. I love him even more for that because I need to get it out.
"I've been taking sleeping pills, but I stopped last week. That's why I haven't been sleeping." I take a second before continuing. "I dream about that night—about him. All I see are his eyes." I confess as I weep out, "He made me watch him."
Ryan doesn't say anything as a new slew of sobs wrack my body. He just bands his arms tighter around me and I finally speak again, "So, I take pills to keep him away."
"Babe, why did you stop taking them?" he asks as he brushes my hair back behind my shoulder.
"Because every night when I take them, it's only a reminder of what happened. I just want to forget, but I can't."
"Have you told anyone?"
"No. Only Jase and Mark. Jase was with me in the hospital. Mark only knows because he walked in and saw my face. It was pretty banged up."
"Your parents?"
"God, no. It was because of them that I went out with that guy at all."
He pulls his head back and looks at me in disbelief. "You knew him?"
I nod my head and he asks, "But you didn't do anything?"
"No."
"I wanna f**king kill him," he says through gritted teeth.
It takes a while, but when I finally feel Ryan's tense chest relax, he pulls back and looks me in the eyes as he says, "This changes nothing for me. Okay? Nothing. No one will ever love you like I do."
When he leans down and gently kisses me, I release my worry. Worry of him leaving, of him being disgusted, worry of him running away from my dark side. I relax in his arms, knowing that we have no more secrets.
Chapter thirty
"He knows."
"You told him?" he says in surprise.
"I didn't really have a choice," I tell Jase. "I had another nightmare last night."
"What happened?" he asks as he shifts on the couch to face me.
"I freaked out with him in the bed. It was humiliating. So, I had to tell him."
Jase reaches over and grabs my hand, holding it tightly when I continue. "I've never said it before. I never wanted to say the words. I mean, I have silently in my head, but never out loud."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I think so."
"What did he do?"
"I mean, what could he do? He listened and assured me that it doesn't change anything with us. I was scared he'd want to leave. I wouldn't have blamed him."
"God, Candace, I'm sorry, but he needed to know. I'm glad you told him," he says with sincerity.
"I told him I loved him." A grin spreads across his face and I say, "Don't embarrass me, Jase."
"I won't. I swear."
Taking my hand from his, I grab my glass of wine from the coffee table and take a sip when he asks, "Do you know what he's doing for your birthday?"
"Jase, you know I hate parties and presents. It's all awkward and uncomfortable. Plus, I haven't told him it's my birthday."