We've barely spoken this morning, and he hasn't been his usual affectionate self with me. In fact, I feel like he's avoiding me. I'm feeling extremely self-conscious; not only because of what happened last night, but also the way he is acting today. I'm sure he's getting tired of me always pushing him away. From my run in with Gina last night, I can tell he's used to getting what he wants without having to wait.
"You ready?" he asks.
"Yeah." I'm surprised when he takes my hand as he walks me to his jeep.
When he pulls up into my driveway and parks, I turn to him and say, "I'm sorry about last night, and I get that you're mad, but—"
"What?" he interrupts. "Why would I be mad?"
Suddenly feeling very unsure of the situation, I say, "Because I keep pushing you away. You've hardly said two words to me this morning. So, I just figured..."
He turns away from me and gets out of the car. I watch him, confused, as he walks around to my side and opens the door. He reaches over me and unclicks my seatbelt, turning me toward him.
"Everything you give me is perfect. You have to stop feeling like this. I'm here with you, and I'm not going anywhere." He leans in to kiss me, and his words bring me relief. "I'm sorry if I've been a dick, I just didn't get much sleep."
"It's okay. I overreacted."
Helping me out of the car, he kisses me again before leaving.
When I walk inside, Kimber is studying on the couch, and I've never felt more awkward around her since she asked me to move out.
"Who was that?" she asks as I walk across the room.
Turning to her, I ask, "Who?"
"That guy you just kissed in the driveway. I wasn't spying or anything, but you're right outside the window."
I look out the large bay window then back at her. She looks sad when I say, "Oh, um, his name's Ryan."
"You dating?"
"Yeah," I say, and I can tell that she is upset. I'm guessing it's the same sadness I felt when I found out about her and Seth. I want to talk to her, to tell her all about him and how great he is, but I can't. We aren't like that anymore, and I know she's hurting more than me as each day we grow more distant.
"Well, I have to go get ready for school," I softly say and then walk out of the room.
Seeing her now, after yesterday, is awful. I hate knowing that I've hurt her this much. I feel like I've lost her, and it's hard to be in the same house as her when we both feel the way that we do.
When I pick up my phone, with apprehension, I type out my text.
Can I stay with you?
I hold my phone with nervous hands and wait for the reply.
Of course babe.
Chapter twenty-nine
After I had texted Ryan about staying with him, he came over later that night when I got off work to help me pack a few bags. Thankfully, Kimber wasn't home. It was hard enough trying to pack when I was so upset. But I know I need a little time away from this house so that emotions can settle.
I thought it would be weird staying with Ryan, but he's been able to keep the weirdness away. I know he's happy that I ran to him instead of Jase. But after knowing how he feels about Jase and me sleeping in the same bed, I knew I couldn't stay with him.
My sleep has been a little more restless lately and filled with night terrors since I stopped taking my sleeping pills last week. Taking them was always hard for me; a daily reminder of why I need to be on them and it was only becoming worse. So I hoped that enough time had passed, and I wouldn't need them anymore. I haven't had another nightmare though, which has been a relief. My restless sleep worries Ryan, but I just told him it's because of stress with school, graduation, and my issues with Kimber. I know it's a lie, but I told him that regardless.
Jase and Mark have been spending more time at the loft as well, now that I'm there. They tend to come over, or at least Jase does, when Ryan goes into work at night. They have both been scouting out firms to start applying to in a few months. I try not to think about what graduation will mean for Ryan and I. He hasn't ever said anything or asked, so if it's been on his mind, he doesn't want me to know. Truth is, I could wind up staying if this is where my job is. I have no idea where I will wind up, but for the moment, I want to enjoy being right where I am.
Ryan makes me happy, and I desperately need that. I still have my moments where I think I'm going to see Jack at school, or that he's going to walk into the coffee shop. And I know he's the cause of my restless sleep. Every time I take off my clothes, I'm reminded of him, of that night. He left a scar on my breast where he bit me so hard that he broke my skin. I can still remember the pain that shot down to my belly. Ryan has never seen it because the few times he's taken off my shirt, I never let him take off my bra. But he's seen my tattoo; the foolish tattoo I got when I thought it was time to abandon my cautious ways and have a little fun. Who knew fun would have left me battered, lying on a street by a dumpster? But, when I'm next to Ryan, he takes almost all of that away from me. I only wish he could take it all away.
"Candace Parker, please take the stage." My name echoes throughout Meany Theater. Nerves course through me, as they do every time I walk across this stage. Walking to the center, I find my spot and posture myself in fifth position. The thump of the spotlight being turned on is loud as it casts its glow down on me. And as it does, like all the times in the past on this very stage, my body relaxes and I am free when the music begins.