"So has your dad called you?"
"No, which worries me. He always calls to try and brush everything under the rug."
"So, you've just been laying low then?" he asks.
I fidget when he asks, and he picks up on it immediately when he questions curiously, "What's going on? Why are you nervous?"
"Not nervous...confused really."
"Tell me."
"I actually spent the past couple of days with Ryan."
"Alone?"
I nod my head, and he looks a bit stunned when he asks, "How did that happen?"
"I guess he got my cell number from Mark, and he texted me. We wound up spending all of Friday together and then some of yesterday as well."
"What'd you guys do?"
"We grabbed breakfast, then we went to the aquarium, but I kinda freaked when I left to go home."
"What happened?"
"We were alone in his car, and I was telling him about the fight with my parents, and when he reached over to hold my hand, I panicked."
Jase turns his body to face me when I continue. "He had held my hand earlier, but it was different. We were at the aquarium, and he was trying to get me to touch the sea creatures at the touch pool, but the way he held my hand in the car was just...I don't know. Anyway, I acted like a maniac. I couldn't get out his car fast enough. I just left without really saying anything."
"What did he do?"
"Nothing. He didn't say anything. But I was really shaken and cried the whole drive home."
"Because he touched you?" he questions.
"I mean...I felt panicky when it happened, but I think I was more upset because I felt that way. Am I making any sense?"
"Yeah. I just don't like that you beat yourself up for having feelings," he says, and he takes my hand in the both of his.
"I hate that there are these random moments that come out of the blue, and I can't hold myself together. But that isn't the worst of it."
"What?"
"He surprised me at my house last night after I had taken my sleeping pill. We ate dinner and were watching a movie, and the next thing I knew, I was waking up with my head in his lap. I totally freaked, Jase."
"What did Ryan do?"
"He just apologized, then I apologized, and then we had this weird moment when he was leaving. I just don't know what to think."
Shaking his head in confusion, Jase asks, "Let me get this straight, so he comes over and you let him stay with you...alone?"
"I know, but he actually made it comfortable for me. I mean, we had a fun night, but before he left, he brushed some hair out of my face. I know this may sound stupid, but it felt extremely tender, and now I'm confused because he's my friend."
"Are you confused because he's your friend, or are you confused because it feels wrong?"
Jase is still holding my hand, and I lean the side of my head on the couch. Sighing, I say, "I know you don't understand, but it doesn't feel right. It just doesn't feel right to be having any feelings like this."
"So, you like him?" he quietly asks me.
Whispering back in hesitation, I say, "I don't know." I close my eyes and sit there for a moment. My thoughts are all over the place, and when I open my eyes back up, a few tears fall. "I just can't be feeling like this."
"Why not, sweetie? I mean, if Ryan makes you feel safe enough to be alone with him, why is it so wrong to feel something for him, if for only that?"
"Because...he can't even touch me without me constantly freezing up and being scared. I feel so pathetic and weak, and I hate it. I hate that I feel like this—every day. I try so hard, Jase." I feel myself cracking as I cry and continue to say, "Every day I do everything I can just to hold myself together, and when I think I'm finally getting past this, something happens, and I am reminded just how weak I am. And I don't know what to do. I just wish I knew what to do, but I don't." Jase pulls me into his arms as I cry harder, and he just holds me. "I just want to move on, I want to feel like I used to. I mean, it's been three months of hell. I just want to go back. I should have never gone to that party. All I want is to forget. Just forget everything."
"Three months isn't enough, sweetie. It's just not enough. No amount of time will ever be enough for you to forget, for you to go back completely." Jase pulls back to look at me, and I can't stop myself from apologizing. Shaking his head at me, he gives me a smile, and suddenly I feel a little stupid for my tears. I know he is trying to cheer me up and lighten the mood when he teases me by saying, "So, Ryan has a thing for my girl."
"Shut up," I tease back.
"Seriously though, I want to see you happy. And if hanging out with Ryan makes you feel good, then you shouldn't question it. Don't stand in the way of your own happiness."
Cupping my face with his hands, he gives me a kiss. Hopping off the couch, he pulls me up and starts walking to his room.
"What are you doing?" I ask.
"Sleeping. I'm so tired, and I've missed you."
"But I've got an early class tomorrow."
Jase starts getting ready for bed when he says, "Skip."
I stand there and laugh at him, but I comply because I've missed him too.
This week has gone by really fast. I did wind up skipping my morning classes on Monday to spend time with Jase instead. Aside from that, I have been really busy with the quarter coming to an end shortly. Ryan has been texting me throughout the week, and we went running again Thursday morning. We decided to make it a routine to run together on Thursday mornings before I go to school.