Standing here alone, next to Ryan, we listen to The xx play an extended version of 'Intro.' The languid plucks of the guitar are soon interlaced with the ever thumping of the bass drum. The song begins to intensify into a fusion of haunting and seductive sounds. I push back off the bookcase while Ryan remains leaning on his elbows. I watch him. I shouldn't be, but I am. His hair is a rich dark brown that falls slightly over his ears. He has a strong, well-defined jaw and a muscular frame that is evident through his dark grey shirt. Looking back at me over his shoulder, a small lock of his hair falls over his forehead. What am I doing? I take a step back as he pushes himself off the bookcase and looks at me. Turning around quickly to walk away, I run smack into Mark's chest.
Tripping over my own feet, he catches me and asks, "Whoa, everything okay?"
"I wanna go," I say softly so that no one can hear me but him.
Clutching both of my arms, he looks back at Jase and gives him a nod. When Jase walks over he asks, "You ready to go?"
"Hey, man. It was good seeing ya. We'll catch up later this week," Mark says to Ryan.
I turn around as Ryan approaches Mark and they give each other a tight handshake as Mark slaps Ryan on the side of his shoulder. "Catch you later," Ryan says before holding his hand out to me. "I'm glad I ran into you again," he says.
Sliding my hand into his, I say with a slight hesitation, "Yeah, it was nice."
As Jase and Ryan say their goodbyes, I walk out into the drizzly, cold night and take a deep breath. Jase walks out, hands me my coat, and I shrug it on before getting into the car.
"What was that all about?" Jase asks me.
Leaning my head against the window, I quip, "You tell me. Where the hell did you two run off to?"
Turning around in his seat, he adds, "Just thought you two should talk without Mark and I around."
"Why?"
"Just got that feeling. You two kept staring at each other with that look."
Sitting up, I ask, "And what look would that be?"
"Candace, the guy is hot. You know what look he's talking about," Mark adds as he drives back to my house.
"Doesn't matter," I say as I lie back against the seat.
"What do you mean it doesn't matter?" Jase asks.
I shake my head and stare out the rain-covered window.
"Candace?"
"It just doesn't matter, Jase. It's wrong."
"It's not wrong for you to find someone attractive."
Turning my head to look at him, I say, "Yes, it is."
I feel the car slow down and can see that Mark is pulling into a random parking lot. He turns the car off, steps out, and opens my door. Sliding in next to me, he shuts the door behind him. "Stop punishing yourself."
I open my mouth to speak, but he immediately cuts me off and repeats slowly, "Stop punishing yourself."
Facing me, Jase adds, "Nobody says that you can't enjoy life. You can. You should. You just won't allow yourself."
"How can I feel like that after what happened? It feels wrong."
"It's not wrong," Mark says. "You need to let yourself feel happiness and not run away from every good feeling that comes over you."
"It doesn't feel right."
"Why?" Jase asks.
"Because...it makes me feel cheap—dirty." My stomach is in knots talking about this. I don't want to be talking about this. I never want to talk about this.
Mark places his hands on my shoulders and looks me straight in the eyes. "You aren't either of those things, not even close. What happened doesn't make you cheap or dirty or whatever else you're thinking. It happened, and you have been punishing yourself ever since."
"Candace," Jase adds, "He's right. You can't keep doing this to yourself. You can't keep taking this wound and ripping it further open beyond repair. You have to try and leave it be, and allow it to heal."
"I don't know," I say.
"I'm proud of you," Jase says. "I honestly didn't think you would come out with us tonight. Thought you might back out." He smiles at me, and I lean forward between the seats to hug him.
"I'm glad I came," I say as I sit back.
Mark takes my hand, kisses it, and says, "Think about what we said."
Nodding my head, I say, "Okay."
Mark hops out, gets back behind the wheel, and drives me home. When he pulls up to the front of my house, Jase asks, "You want us to stay over?"
"I'm fine, Jase. Thanks again, guys." I give them both a kiss and step out of the car. When I walk inside, Kimber is gone. I go to my room, strip off my clothes, throw on a pair of pajama pants and a cami, and take a sleeping pill before climbing into bed.
Chapter thirteen
"I hate you!" Roxy shouts, a few octaves above normal, while she teasingly shoves my shoulder. "I love that band! How did you even get tickets?"
"Jase got the tickets from one of his friends," I say as I shrug my shoulders as if it was no big deal that I got to see The xx in a private concert last weekend.
"Man, I need to meet this friend so that I can score some tickets too."
Looking up at her while I'm refilling the coffee beans in the grinder, I say, "You have met him. Well, you've seen him."
"Who?"
Securing the burlap bag with the remaining beans, I tell her, "That guy that came in the other day, the one you said was hot."