Why didn't I fight more? Why did I just lie there? I am constantly replaying that night in my head, wondering what I could have done differently. What happened at the party that made his mood suddenly shift? I know that I led him on, and I shouldn't have. If only I could have just been honest with him from the start. Now I'm constantly haunted by his eyes, his voice, and the feel of his hands clamped around my mouth, keeping me from screaming.
He took so much from me. He took everything that wasn't his to take. I had only been with one guy, and that experience was far from a loving one. Preston was drunk off of keg beer, and the whole thing lasted less than a few minutes before he passed out on top of me. Why is this my life? Why did I allow this ass**le to take all that was good in me? I feel like nothing.
When the rain lightens up, I drag myself off the ground and slide back into my car, leaving puddles of dirty water on my leather seats. I drive the rest of the way in a complete daze, feeling drained and emotionally exhausted.
I wander aimlessly into the apartment and head straight to the bathroom to strip out of my soggy clothes and grab some towels. I wrap one of them around me and lie down on the floor, enjoying the cold tile against my face. I savor the numbness I currently feel and drift off.
Chapter nine
After my unexpected nap on the bathroom floor, I'm finishing up my makeup and getting ready to go to work. I have managed to pull myself together as much as possible to try and resume my normal routine, but the knots in my stomach won't seem to go away. I am nervous about seeing Roxy. I'm not sure what I will say if she notices the healing scars on my face. I think I have done a pretty decent job with my makeup, but I'm still nervous.
Walking out of the bathroom, I grab my purse and jacket then head out. Luckily, Jase hasn't been home today. I really needed the alone time. He and Mark are spending the day together, but they said they would be here when I get off work in a few hours.
Before I pull out of my parking space, I swipe my phone to see how many more missed calls and texts I have from Kimber. Her texts have turned rude and so have her voicemails. I really can't blame her though. Jase told me she came over the other afternoon when I was out running errands with Mark. She was pissed off and demanded to know where I was. Again, I told him to drop it, but I could tell he didn't want to. I don't want her mad at me, so I decide to finally send her a text.
Hey, I promise that I'm not mad at U. Just needed a little time away.
Will explain later. Love U.
If only I knew what the hell I was going to explain. I know I have to resolve this quickly because I will be going back to our house in a few days, and I really don't need any more awkwardness.
Mark and I have been spending time together when he isn't in class. I can see why Jase loves him. They are alike in many ways, and we have bonded pretty effortlessly. He's wanted to stay over, but I am too embarrassed for him to witness the nightmares that seem to come every night.
As I drive to work, I listen to music and try my best to act normal. I'm not even sure what that is anymore, but I desperately crave it. I feel different, and I don't like it. When I pull up to Common Grounds, my nerves intensify. I haven't seen any of my other friends all week. Only Jase and Mark. Will Roxy be able to see right through me? Will she ask questions? My heart is racing, and I start taking slow deep breaths to calm myself. Getting out of my car, I walk straight in and towards the back to put my things away and get my apron. I pass Roxy, and she is busy helping a customer. When I reach the back room, I take a minute to try and pull myself together.
I take one last look at my face in the small compact mirror that's in my purse before walking back out. Looking around, I notice that the place is dead. I really wish we were busy so that my interaction with Roxy would be limited. I'm nervous and want nothing more than to get back into my car and drive to Jase's apartment. I walk slowly to one of the stools by the front counter and sit down.
"You feeling better?" Roxy asks.
Nervously, I lift my head and answer, "Yeah, thanks," hoping she can't see what I am hiding under my makeup.
"That's good. I missed having you up here." She walks over to sit beside me and continues, "So, I never did hear what happened with Jack."
My body turns cold when she says his name, and I blurt out, "What do you mean?"
"The party? You telling him you weren't interested?" she questions. "How did it go?"
"Oh, um...yeah, it was fine," I say, stumbling over my words and hoping that will be enough to satisfy her, but I know that it won't. I really want to be left alone right now. Maybe being normal isn't what I want because all I want to do right now is run back to the bubble I just came out of. It's safe there. No questions.
Roxy chuckles and says, "That's all I get? Girl, you were freaking out. Seriously, what happened?"
I suddenly feel my ears heat, and before I can stop myself, I snap at her, "Nothing, I already told you. Can we drop it?"
I immediately feel bad, but I can't do this. I stand up and walk straight back to the bathroom to try and compose myself. I lock the door behind me, and the tears are back. I quickly wipe them away and rest my hands on the sink. Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I start thinking about what excuses I could use to get out of here. How am I supposed to do this? I spend a few minutes settling my nerves before returning.
"I'm sorry," I whisper as I sit back down next to Roxy.
She slides me a coffee and says, "Here. It's okay. I won't mention it again."