"You were amazing, dear," she says as she walks toward me.
I haven't spoken to her since Ryan and I broke up. She has called several times, but I knew it would hurt too much to answer. Donna filled a place in my heart that was only hers to fill. She's the mother I'd always wanted—the one I'd always needed.
"What are you doing here?"
Pulling me into her arms, I savor her embrace as she says, "I told you I would be here." Leaning back, she adds, "I couldn't miss seeing you dance. You were beautiful. I knew you were amazing, but I just had no idea you were that amazing."
"Thank you," I say as a smile breaks across my face. "I still can't believe you're here."
"I tried calling a few times, but—"
"I'm sorry. I know you called. It just...It hurt to lose Ryan, but it hurt to lose you too."
"You didn't lose me. I love you, dear. You will always have me whenever you need me. I know Ryan hurt you, and I understand it might be easier if I'm not around, but please know that I am always here for you."
Her words hit where they always hit: deep inside. My chin quivers as I try not to cry, and I go in for another hug. When she wraps her comforting arms around me, I let the tears free. "I'm glad you came. I've missed talking to you." When I step back, I add, "But you're right, it hurts. You were the best gift Ryan ever gave me, but I need the space right now."
"Of course. I understand."
"I'm sorry."
"You have absolutely nothing to be sorry about. I am so proud of you. You will do amazing things. Just keep following that strong heart of yours."
"Thank you, Donna. Really...thank you for everything."
"Well, I better get going. Congratulations."
I smile at her one last time as she turns to walk out of the building. Another pang of loss eats me from the inside and I cry. I don't fight it; I just let it envelop me. After a few minutes, I walk outside into the cold rainy night and welcome the chilling drops that plunk down on me and mix with my hot tears. I keep telling myself it'll be okay, because I know it will be. I have to believe in that.
Chapter forty
A few days after the production, the calls started coming in. I was offered placements in five companies. Pacific Northwest Ballet here in Seattle was one of them, but when the call came from the American Ballet Theatre in New York, one of the most respected ballet companies in the world, I couldn't say no. My dreams of dancing full-length classics such as Swan Lake and La Bayadere at the Met are about to come true. I can hardly believe it. Life has been a total whirlwind since I accepted their offer.
Graduation is in two weeks, so I have been busy packing up my room and researching apartments in New York City. I found a flat in a walk up that is close to Lincoln Center, where I will be dancing every day. I rented a storage unit here in Seattle to store some of my furniture and the boxes of things I don't need or won't have space for. Once I'm more settled I will figure out what to do with everything.
Everyone is out of town for Memorial Day weekend. I stayed behind because I just had too much to do. Kimber is still seeing Seth even though he is moving to California for grad school. She says they aren't in love or anything, just having fun. They went to Whistler for four days while Mark and Jase went to Vegas.
It's Saturday night, and while everyone is on vacation, I am sitting on the floor of my trashed room, trying to sort through all of my things, deciding what to throw away, what to take with me, and what to leave behind in storage.
My phone rings and when I pick it up, I see it's Kimber calling and that it's already past midnight. Swiping my phone, I answer, "Hey, Kimber."
"Candace, hey." Her voice is shaky and slow.
"Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. Uh...Candace, Seth just got a call from one of his fraternity brothers, and I need to talk to you about something."
My mind immediately goes to Jack. Why else would I care about any news from Seth's frat house?
"Okay. What's up?"
There is a long pause before she speaks.
"Jack's dead."
I swear my heart stops when she tells me this, and I have to remember to breathe.
"What?"
"Yeah. It happened earlier today. A drunk driving accident."
"Oh." I don't know what to say. I feel numb.
"Look, I can come home if you need me to. I just wanted to tell you before you saw it on TV or something."
"No, I'm fine. Really." For some reason, I feel tears threatening, and I rush to get off the phone. "You guys have fun. I'm about to go to bed. I'll talk to you later."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah. Bye."
When she hangs up, I set the phone down. I feel the tears run down my face, but I don't make a sound. Jack's dead. I keep saying it to myself over and over. He's dead. The more I say it, the more my emotions well up. I want to shut down, but I know I need to force myself to feel whatever it is that is brewing inside of me.
When I choke back a breath, that's when I begin to cry. I'm not sure why I'm crying. I'm so confused. I don't know what I'm feeling, but it feels a lot like sadness. But why am I sad? Shouldn't I be happy? But I'm not happy. He's dead. God, what's wrong with me? I shouldn't be feeling sad for the guy who raped me. I should be relieved—relieved that I don't have to be scared of him anymore. I begin to sob, my emotions overtake me, and I know for sure: this is hurt and sadness.