"And what about your future can you focus on?"
"My dancing. I have my performance this weekend, so hopefully offers will start coming in this next week. I need to focus on making New York happen. It's always been my dream."
She picks up her notepad and begins to write as she says, "I think you have a good plan."
We continue on to discuss issues about Jack and some of the paranoia I still feel about him for the rest of the session. After making my follow-up appointment, I stop by the house and grab my dance bag to spend the rest of the day rehearsing and focusing more on the thing I do have control over, which is my career, not Ryan.
When I get home, I decide to start taking more control, like Dr. Christman suggested. I can't keep avoiding situations that make me nervous and uncomfortable. I know I can't keep hiding from my emotions because I'm too scared to deal with them.
I take out my phone, scroll down to Roxy's name, and tap her number. After several rings, she answers.
"Candace, hey."
"Hey Rox, do you have a minute to talk?"
"Hun, I always have time for you. How are you?"
"I'm doing better, actually. I wanted to call and apologize for my behavior and walking out on you. I've been going through some stuff, and I was out of line."
"I've been worried about you. We used to always talk, but I feel like you've somehow gotten lost this year, and I wish I knew how to be a friend to you."
"You are a friend. And I love you. It's been a rough year, but I think I'm getting on the right track. It feels that way, at least."
"That's good to hear."
"But, I was calling because I wanted to know if you've filled my position yet."
"Your position will never be filled."
"So, I can come back?"
"Always, hun."
"Thanks, Rox. Can you get me on the schedule for next week?"
"Of course. Stop by in a couple days, and I'll have the schedule out."
"Great."
"And Candace..."
"Yeah?"
"I'm glad you called me. You know you can always call, anytime."
"I do know. Thanks again. I'll stop by later this week."
"Sounds good."
"Okay, bye."
"So, tell me how things have been going?" Dr. Christman asks as she pulls out her notepad.
"I called my boss and got my job back. She put me on the schedule for next week."
"What made you decide to do that?"
"You suggested that I stop avoiding situations that spike my emotions. Work has always been that place for me. It's always been a place I feared Jack walking into."
"What do you normally do when your anxiety peaks at work?"
"I go to the back room and restock."
"And what are you going to do now when you start to feel that way?"
"I know I need to stay out in the shop."
"Just remember that a spike in emotions is okay. They will spike, but they will come down again and you will be okay."
"When I get anxious, I feel that there will be no coming back down. I feel like everything is about to spiral out of control."
"That's very common after the kind of trauma you've been through. It's normal to be afraid of feeling, but whatever you're feeling, you need to understand that those feelings will not be permanent. Instead of running from your feelings, I really would like for you to stay in them. Try not to shut down. Think about your anxiety level, and when it gets high, I want you to see that you're still okay."
I nod my head and say, "I think that doing something like that at work is a good place to start. I'm not alone, and sitting here with you thinking about it, I can rationally say that nothing would happen. That I would be okay."
"Good. And how has your sleep been lately?"
"Restless."
"Are you still on your sleeping pill?" she asks.
"Yes. Honestly, I'm too scared to wean off of them."
"That's okay. You're making progress in other areas, and so we will keep focusing on that before approaching your nightmares."
After the session is over, I head over to Common Grounds to pick up my schedule for next week. When I walk in, I see Roxy behind the counter. She walks around it and comes to give me a hug.
"I'm so glad you decided to come back. I've missed you. I've been stuck working with Sarah, and all she talks about is her stupid dog."
I laugh at her and say, "Thanks. I'm so sorry for—"
Cutting me off she tells me, "Forget it. I'm just glad you're here, hun."
I walk to the back room with her, and she gives me the schedule for next week. It feels good to be back here. Even though Dr. Christman helped me to see that this place is a trigger for my irrational feelings, I feel like this will be a good starting point for me to try to overcome them.
Chapter thirty-nine
"So how are you and Kimber doing?" Jase asks me as we stand in the long line to buy our caps and gowns for graduation.
"Really good. We've both been busy getting everything wrapped up for graduation. But we spend several evenings a week hanging out."
"So are you excited about tomorrow night?"
"You have no idea. Excited and super nervous," I say as the line slowly moves forward. Tomorrow night is our final production, and I have been living and breathing dance for the past few weeks.