I was a nervous wreck, the same as I was when I first got it. Jared was quick, and it didn't hurt too bad. Ryan held my hand through the short process, and now I have a solid black heart instead of the empty outline. Even though it's the same, it feels very different to me. I love Ryan for helping me transform something that was filled with such bad memories into something that now makes me happy when I look at it. I think of him when I see it, and I love that he was able to give that to me.
While I was going through my drawers and getting rid of old clothes, I ran across Detective Patterson's card again. I held it in my hands and thought about how I first met Jack and how quickly it spun out of control. I'm not even sure if too much time has passed to call. Not that I would call. I don't really know what to do about it all. I have always just assumed I would leave it be and move on.
But then the thought crept into my head that if he did that to me, then he has the potential to do it to someone else. What if he already has done it to someone else? What if I wasn't the first? What if there is a girl out there just like me? I wondered if he was seeing anyone; if he had a girlfriend now. She has the right to know what kind of guy she's with. But the thought of having people know what happened to me, having to talk about it, I'm terrified it could break me. Even though Ryan assures me that I did nothing wrong, I still feel responsible for sending Jack over the edge and leading him on.
After a while, I give up on thinking too much about it all and slip the card back into my sock drawer. If I was going to do anything about it, I should have done it already. I need to just let it go, but for some reason, I can't bring myself to throw the card away.
Chapter thirty-six
Ryan and I jog up the steps of my house after our morning run. It's still early out, and the sun is just starting to rise behind the grey clouds that blanket the city. Once inside, we each grab a bottle of water and go back to my room so I can clean up.
Shutting the door, he walks up behind me and starts planting kisses on the back of my neck. I reach up and wrap my hand behind his damp neck. His kisses make me shiver, and he grazes his lips over my ear and says, "I want you in your bed."
It may sound weird, but we haven't ever had sex in my bed, but then again, Ryan rarely spends the night here with me and the few times that he has, Kimber was home, and it made me feel uncomfortable with her in the next room. But she is gone this morning, and the way his kisses are affecting me, I don't want to say no.
Turning around in his arms, I start tugging up his shirt. He reaches over his head and pulls it off at the same time I take mine off. We stumble over to the bed and when we collapse on it, we are a tangled mess, fumbling to get each other's clothes off. Running my lips down his neck and along his broad shoulders, I taste the salt on his skin. I knot my fingers in his sweaty hair and pull him down on me.
My body bows into his when he grinds his hips into me, pushing himself deep inside me, and we begin to move together. Reaching behind my back, he pulls us onto our sides, and I wrap my leg around his waist pulling him closer to me. We lie face-to-face, flushed and panting, as he grips tightly onto my thigh.
We don't speak, and with our foreheads connected, we keep our eyes locked while he takes his time with me. Never rushing. Never in a hurry.
I'm alone for the day while Ryan is at work. Tonight, Blur is hosting a concert for one of Gavin's bands and they are expecting a huge turnout. I agreed to go since Mark and Jase will also be there. My car is still over at Ryan's house from last night. When we left for our run this morning and found ourselves here, I told him I didn't need to go back for my car. I would just stay here for the day.
It's nearing the end of April, and I decide I should start sorting through my belongings and slowly start packing. I still don't know where I'm going, but with graduation a little over a month away, I need to start getting organized. New York has always been my dream, but I know I'll never be able to leave Ryan behind—I'll never want to leave him. Plus, Seattle has produced many world-renowned dancers and choreographers. Pacific Northwest Ballet is here in Seattle and is internationally recognized as one of the elite. Even if they're not interested in me, I know if I stay here, I can still have a successful career.
After I pack up a box of books, I start thinking more and more about Ryan and how I never thought I would have what I found with him. Jack destroyed everything in me, and to be able to trust someone again is something I didn't think would ever be possible. Is it selfish of me to not want to save someone else from that theft? I know that it has probably been too long, but maybe I should just call and get some information on what could be done. Hell, for all I know, I could even remain anonymous. But, I will never know if I don't call.
Opening the top drawer of my dresser, I fish out the card that I was given now eight months ago. I keep telling myself that it's just a phone call; I just want to ask some questions.
Picking up my cell, I swipe the screen and with nervous fingers dial the number while my heart beats at an insanely rapid rate. After several rings, I am half relieved when I get the detective's voicemail. I leave him a quick message with my name and number and set the phone back down. All of a sudden I consider the possibility of Jack finding out. If I did do anything, would he come after me? Would he try and hurt me? I resolve that it's probably best if I don't say anything. I shouldn't be calling and talking to Detective Patterson. I really do need to move on and just let it be.
"Babe, you ready?"