None of them see me as I watch them interact. I look at Jase and Mark and see how they’re so happy. They have a direction in life that I’ve been missing. They have a close relationship with each other and even with Candace, something I’ve spent my whole life avoiding. I shift my focus over to Gavin who’s putting the moves on some random chick and I see me. I see the person I’ve been for so many years, and from this angle, it doesn’t look good. Drifting. That’s all I’ve been doing.
My life has been empty, but I never really saw it so clearly until seeing Candace, Mark, and Jase. I see their connection, their focus, and it makes me realize how unfulfilling my life has been up to this point. Up until her. The draw is there; it always has been, but it’s beyond the pull. She’s filling me with an awareness I never saw before. She’s made me take a step back to see my life for what it is—disconnected and stagnant.
Before any of them sees me, I turn and walk up to my office. Pulling out my phone, I call Tori. I need assurance, and I know she’ll help me.
“Ryan, hey.”
Sitting at my desk, I ask, “You busy?”
“Not at all. Trevor’s putting the kids to bed. What’s up?”
“Are you happy?” I ask, remembering the flipside of this conversation when we had it back in the summer at my mom’s house.
“What’s going on?” she asks, picking up on the seriousness in my tone.
“Just tell me. You and Trevor, are you happy?”
“Yeah,” she breathes. “I’m happy. We have our issues. Everyone does, but I’m happy.”
I’m scared to fall any more than I already have for Candace, but I want to. God, I want to so bad. I want to connect. I want everything that I’ve been too afraid of.
My mom and dad used to be happy. There was a time when they really loved each other. She’s told me about it, but it didn’t matter. It wasn’t enough, and that love transformed into a living hell. The hell is all I remember. The screaming, the fighting, the beatings, the constant turmoil and fear. Then I see Tori and her family. They’re happy. They’re okay.
I’m still scared though, but the thought of walking away scares me more.
“Ryan, you there?” she asks.
“Yeah. Sorry.”
“So are you gonna tell me what’s going on?”
I’ve always been honest with Tori, so I go ahead and tell her, knowing my words are safe with her, “I met someone.”
“Is this that someone you denied back at Thanksgiving?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s bothering you about it?” she questions.
“I have a seedy past, and I’ve never done this. I’ve never wanted to. But she’s nothing like anyone I have ever known, and she makes me nervous.”
“You think she’ll judge you for the choices you’ve made?”
“She’s nothing like me. She’s so green, and I’ve been f**king chick after chick since I was fifteen.” Just saying the words is almost mortifying. Sickening. And what was once something I couldn’t care less about is now something that I’m embarrassed about. Ashamed.
“I don’t have a picture perfect record either. You know that. But Trevor loves me regardless of who I was before him,” she tells me. “That’s the thing about love . . . it’s a pretty powerful force that can show a side of you that you never knew existed. Show you that you’re capable of becoming someone you never thought you could be, and you do it for the other person because you love them, because you want to put them before yourself.”
I don’t say anything. I just let her words soak in. I don’t know what the f**k I’m doing. All I know is, I want to—for her.
“Just a piece of advice,” she adds. “Don’t ever lie to her about who you are. If she ever asks, be honest.”
“Yeah.” When she says this, I begin to have doubts that it will ever get to that point. I don’t even know where this girl’s head is at. Just because I want her doesn’t mean anything. What if I’m just wasting my time? Shit. I see how she is with Jase. What if that’s just how she is with her friends? I even see it when she’s with Mark. All she has given me is exactly what I see her giving to the two of them.
Suddenly, I’m questioning everything.
Chapter Sixteen
I’ve been trying to shake my self-doubts about Candace for the past few days. We continue to chat on the phone and text back and forth, but I can’t help wondering if any of this is different with me than it is with Jase and Mark.
Needing a distraction, I decide to get my Christmas shopping done for the kids today. I thought hitting the gym would help, but here I am, still doubting. My cell starts ringing as I’m grabbing my coat to head out.
It’s her.
“Hey.”
“Hi. You busy?” she asks, and something about the sound of her voice erases my questioning thoughts.
“No,” I lie as I toss my leather coat onto the couch. “What’s up?”
“Nothing. Jase and Mark left early this morning for Ohio, and I’ve just been sitting around the house. I didn’t know if you wanted to hang out.”
“Oh, I see. Second best since the boys aren’t there to keep you entertained,” I tease with a laugh.
“No,” she drags out in feigned annoyance at my joke. “And you’re not second best,” she adds, and I’m happy she does because I like hearing it.